Okay. I am so over Blogger, y'all, I tell you what. Come and see me at www.desperateworkingmomma.com, mm'kay? It's a work in progress-- oh, my my my, yes it is-- but it's home.
Come on. It'll be fun. Pinky promise.
There may even be treats. I'm just saying.
Okay, so the internet is out at my house... again... and it is my off-day at work (wooHOO!) so I had to jostle and bite my way to the front of the line of way elderly library patrons this morning in order to score a computer. Seriously. Never underestimate the power of small and sassy. Those poor old suckers never had a chance. I mean, kick a few canes and you're in bidness, that's all I'm saying. Note it.
Okay, I didn't really. But I imagined I did, so I'm clearly the most awful person ever anyway, all right?! Are you happy now?! GOSH!
So... I was on TV. Me. And Ryan Seacrest. On TV. Together. E! Network, baby! I SAW it! Ryan said I have "natural talent." Ryan said my silly video was "very good." Ryan was "impressed." BOOYAH! How surreal is THAT?! I know, right?! Ryan and I are, like, total BFF's now. For reals. Me and my wee Ryan...
(*shakes head affectionately*)
So, in order to show my new BFF Ryan and the folks at E! that I am clearly the most perfect candidate for the Emmy Red Carpet with Ryan Seacrest Extravaganza Rama-Lama-Bing-Bang, I have decided to make a brand-spanking new video. See, next Thursday is my birthday, right? RIGHT?! And remember how last year I scored those free tickets to the American Idol concert in DC? Do ya?! Well, this year, I've decided I am going to have to top that kickass birthday experience with something absolutely SQUEEworthy, so I have decided that I am totally going to take the plunge... I'm going trapezing.
I'll be soooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarin'! Flyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyin'! There's not a star in heaven that--
Good lord. I have GOT to nip my High School Musical obsession in the BUD, I tell you what. It's a sickness, y'all. A SICKNESS! But they're so CUTE! And the music is so CATCHY! Shut up! It's true! It is! I don't care!
And I am clearly insane.
Hmmm... Okay, now to get into the swing of things before next Thursday (get it?! "swing"?! HA! I kill myself, I really do...) all I need are some hard-hitting trapeze interview questions.
(*rushes off to brainstorm and quite possibly watch self on TV with BFF... again*)
OMG, y'all! O! M! G!
Is it true?! Is it?! Did Ryan FREAKING Seacreast introduce me and my insane little video clip last night on E!?! Did he?! Like, me?! On TV and e'rything?! With my wee Ryan?! Kind of?! And nobody TOLD me?! So I totally MISSED it?! Really?!
Oh, dear God. I think I'm going to pass out...
Okay, still having technical difficulties... all y'all didn't think I'd let a little thing like adulthood computer programming illiteracy stop me from creating a whole new website, now did you? Aw, you guys are cute.
I am currently playing with Wordpress... I should have a new site installed soon! (The .Mac one is way CUTE, but not at all manageable... completely high maintenance! I will be going along a more minimalist route shortly... and totally organizing and archiving all my American Idol recaps from the last two seasons into their very own categories! Eh? EH?! I know, right? SWEET.)
Until then! Click here for .Mac site
(DISCLAIMER: Mentally composed during a meeting of such excruciating boredom that I had to keep myself from nodding off and drooling all over the gentleman sitting next to me by internally ranting about perceived slights to actors that I do not even know and never will know, which is really quite sad really. We'd all totally be BFFs, I just know it.)
The Emmy committee. Not only was my favorite PI-playing girl Kristen Bell snubbed-- again-- but for the sixth straight year Lauren Graham was shut out. I know, right?! No Veronica Mars and no Lorelei Gilmore?! My mind? Blown! Honestly. How is this even possible? These ladies are phenomenal actors, and anyone who is anyone knows this. Granted, I do realize that historically actors from the netlets have had a difficult road to the Emmy ballot, but this year was supposed to be different, right? It was supposed to be the year of the netlets, right?! The year of the underdogs who are passed over every year because no one can believe there is actual quality broadcasting on UPN or the WB. But nooooooooo. We get actors such as Stockard Channing and Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Geena Davis and their shows were frickin' cancelled. That's right! Cancelled! The mind boggles.
Oh, and don't even get me started on the temerity, the insolence!, of leaving Hugh Laurie of House off the ballot. Are you fricking kidding me, Emmy committee people?! Do you even WATCH television? Hugh Laurie carries that show on his back! He's amazing! And where are Jim and Pam?! Huh?! And Earl? Where's EARL?! I mean, I know Jason Lee's a freaky Scientologist who named his firstborn child Pilot Inspektor Riesgraf Lee, but STILL! Funny?! And he skateboards, too! Not that it has anything to do with his acting skills, but seriously, dude's a professional sk8tr. I'm not even kidding. Rock on, Earl Hickey. Rock on.
No. We get Charlie Sheen and his dad. Brr! And Kevin James? From King of Queens? SERIOUSLY?! Que horror! Excuse me. I need to go throw up now.
Hey. On the bright side at least Emmy night is three plus hours of my life I won't be wasting lost in thrall to inane television broadcasting, I tell you what. No sir. I'll probably just read a book. Or write one! Yes! I'll write a book! And never believe in the Emmy process again! Ha! That'll learn 'em.
"Six words: Will Ferrell as a Nascar driver."
This was purportedly the pitch to the studios for Will Ferrell's newest cinematic vehicle Talladega Nights: the Ballad of Ricky Bobby. (Heh. Vehicle. Get it? "Vehicle"?! As in a medium through which something is transmitted, expressed, or accomplished? But also an actual vehicle that one can drive?! Because... NASCAR?!... Wait. I ruined it, didn't I? Damn my tendency to overexplain!)
By the trailer-- which I saw before Superman Returns (Superman! *sigh*)-- many of the scenes look highly improvised-- like one big SNL skit, but better-- by hilarious people who are at their best when they are given free rein. Case in point: Ricky Bobby (Ferrell), after a fiery crash on the track, is running around in nothing but his undies and his helmet screaming that he is on fire. Of course, he isn't on fire, and his crew keeps trying to explain this to him, but he's hysterical. And dude, nothing's funnier than Will Ferrell when he's hysterical:
Ricky Bobby (still running around in a panic): Help me, Jesus! Help me, Jewish God! Help me, Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft to get the fire off me!
Seriously, that scene struck me so funny that I laugh every time I think about it. Hee. (See?!) Plus, mocking Tom Cruise is always funny. Because he is way short and beyond strange and attacks innocent furniture and has Katie Holmes and her baby held prisoner in his freaky Scientological compound and must totally die? (Joshua Jackson, where ARE YOU?! Joshua! JOSH! Save them! PAAAACEEEEY!) Seriously, I think that scene has ingratiated itself into my comedic vault, right up there with Ferrell as Gene Frenkle of the Blue Oyster Cult playing that damn cowbell during (Don't Fear) the Reaper. I know, right? That's really saying something! Right?! RIGHT?!
Okay, it's really not. I'm easily amused. It's just a cross I bear, y'all.
But still! FUNNY. But don't take my word for it. I mean, I can't handle that kind of responsibility, I just can't. See for yourself, if you feel so inclined. Go on, do it. Do it. Do it. Do it!... Do it.
That being said, I probably won't see the actual movie (but I might). Hello? The end product is never as funny as the sum of its parts, or the parts of its whole (except when it is), or something to that effect, but whatever! My point is Aristotle be damned! I cannot in good conscience pay money to see this movie (unless I change my mind)! I mean, come on. Will Ferrell as a Nascar driver? Really? REALLY?! Good LORD, people... Say it with me now: What were they thinking?!
I was reading an entertainment forum on the internet the other day when I came across an argument going on between several commenters stemming from a (written) conversation which looked something like this:
1st commenter: I guess I'm part of the 1% that doesn't agree.
2nd commenter: Yeah, there's always someone tasteless...j/k.
The 1st commenter took offense to this "tasteless" remark (witness me exhibiting admirable restraint by not pointing out the witty pun at work here-- aw damn it) which started a flurry of responses from others helpfully explaining to the silly, silly 1st commenter that duh, j/k means just kidding!
The thing is... have you ever noticed that when a person uses the phrase "Just kidding!" after saying something which could conceivably be termed rude or improper, much of the time said person is totally not? Kidding, that is? Not at all?
For instance, when someone does something stupid and is all, "Man! That was stupid!" and I say, "Hell yeah it was stupid!... just kidding," or "That's okay. You can't help that you're an idiot... just kidding!" I'm really not kidding. Because, for reals, it was a totally stupid thing to do.
Or say for example that same someone is trying to explain to me why I need to be more careful about how I load the spoons into the dishwasher in order to achieve maximum cleanliness and shine and I blurt out, "GAH! I don't care!... Oh, just kidding, continue..." I am totally not kidding. Because honestly.
Or when I see someone standing in my kitchen eating Ben and Jerry's Everything But The... straight from the carton and say to that someone, "Man, wish I could eat an entire carton of ice cream with no thought whatsoever of anyone else who may want some... just kidding!" well, I'm not really kidding. Because I really wish I could. And this wish obviously will never come to fruition because that someone standing in the kitchen is totally eating all the frickin' ice cream.
I call it the classic "just kidding!" retreat. It's the perfect strategy to say exactly what you mean-- good manners be damned!-- without any negative fallout. Because, dude, you were "just kidding." Right? Being all ironical and stuff! Come on! Loosen up!
But come on. A gratuitous "just kidding" (or the written equivalent: the *shrug* or smiley face) won't always take the edge off of "You are a big stupid-head with no taste because you have a different opinion than me." Nope. The way I see it, when a comment (especially in writing) is derogatory or satirical in nature, you can usually assume that a person has a very good chance of taking those words at face value, no matter how many smiley faces follow. And this can lead to "Shut up, you big meanie!" and quite possibly fisticuffs which is why you should never, EVER give out your address over the internet. Because, you see, verbal irony is very often lost in translation. That is why, in my humble opinion, unless you are prepared to stand your ground in the aftermath of remarks of extraordinary rudeness, it is best to just say what you mean (or if it is insulting... not).
Well, unless you are a big rude dummyhead and think that nobody is smart enough to realize that you are employing the classic "just kidding!" retreat, which HA! I am totally on to you, sucker! In which case, I wish I could be as clueless as you.
O! M! G!
Oh! My! GOSH!
So I am in the midst of a huge life change. For reals. Like, earth-shattering. I am MOVING... my blog to my own domain! Woo-HOO! I'm moving on up to www.desperateworkingmomma.com (note the lack of plural momma-- no S). Now if I weren't so freaking technologically challenged, I'd know how to export all my Blogger archives to my new site (which is actually an iWeb creation). But clearly I am freaking technologically challenged and I have no idea what I'm doing and I don't want to accidentally delete my hundreds and hundreds of archived posts so I haven't exported all my archives from Blogger and my site is a mere shell of a blog but what can you do?
You can obsess about it for days on end, that's what.
Do you see what TGIM has been living with for the past few days?! DO YOU?! Picture this:
SCENE: Cat following TGIM around the house, madly typing random stuff that she clearly doesn't understand into her laptop:
"Oh LORD! I think I just lost my posts! Oh MY... never mind. There they are. My bad... HEY! Look at this wicked cool page I made! Look! LOOK! HEY! Are you LOOKING?!... Should I post this picture? I think I should post this picture. Do you think this is a good picture to post? Because if you do I will totally post it... What the hell is an FTP?!... Ooooh! The links are working! The links are working!... I need a donut. Are you hungry for a donut? Because I could totally go for one, you know? MMM! Cinnamon!... I just posted a movie to my Movie Page! BOOYAH! Hey, I don't freaking care if you don't want me to post it! You look cute in it and it's going UP! Yes-HUH!"
Yeah. I'm that much of a spazz right now.
Honestly. It's a mercy he hasn't duct-taped my mouth shut and locked me in the hall closet until I get it all out of my system. Which is a good thing as this obsession will probably last for several more days and I'd get wicked hungry after a while, yo?
Anyhoos, feel free to roam around my new site which is totally not in any way shape or form a finished product. But I did create my first Cat-on-the-Street video and post it, so there's always that to watch and mock because, you know, I am ridiculously insane.
*runs off to figure out what the hell FTP is*
So... I'm toying with the idea of starting a weekly (twice a month? monthly?) video podcast. I know, right?! Is it possible that I've gone completely insane? Seriously. See, I have this little Mac Powerbook and I've been slowly unlocking the mysteries of the Mac world (being a Mac convert and all) and I'm learning all about GarageBand and other cool stuff and my good friend who is, like, totally a big ol' podcaster (http://www.mommycast.com/) has been, oh, let's say encouraging me (read: hounding me day and night, for reals!) to jump into the exciting world of podcasting! Now, as I loathe my recorded voice with the burning passion of ten thousand suns-- because of the "I'm Twelveness"?-- I find that it isn't so bad when my face is attached to it. I don't know why. Weird, huh? It's inexplicable.
Now here's the thing: This jump into scary video podcasting waters would mean investing in microphones and cameras and tripods and batteries and updated software and my own Desperate Working Mommas domain and... and... and lots of other way important, possibly expensive stuff! Stuff that my children would break in a heartbeat if they were anywhere near it! So I must weigh this out carefully in my mind.
Good LORD! The agony of indecision!
But seriously? I think I am totally going to do it. Well, once I figure out how the hell all this stuff works, naturally. It could be a while. I am SO not even joking. Podcasting is hard, yo?
But still! Exciting!
Although I think my videos would be more like Cat-on-the-Street-casts, and I don't even know if that is technically "video podcasting." It could just be "acting the fool." Whatever.
Anyhoos, video podcasting... (*shakes head ruefully*) What will they think of next? TV shows we can watch on our iPods?! Ha! I know, right? Silly Cat. As if.
As I handed my DVD sale and checkout impulse buy to the Tower Records Cashier Dude, he raised his eyebrow at me.
"Tae Bo and a Twix!" I said overbrightly. Then, "Yeah. I'm aware of the irony."
I could still hear him laughing as I walked out the door.