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Desperate Working Mommas
Your one-stop site for fanatical television snarking, questionable political analysis, occasional attempts to address the parenting issues facing working mothers, and halfhearted promises to stop obsessing about the entertainment industry, already! Oh, not to mention the random bitching and moaning. There's always that.
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
Are bald chests sexy? And I have WAY too much free time.

Paula, Paula, Paula... get thee to a rehab! It was funny for a few weeks, but now I just feel sad. Straight up, now, tell me, girl: is the junk worth it? Lay off the crack! I mean, the weird floating cuffs you were wearing? The wobbly, almost-unsuccessful attempts you made to get back in your chair after Constantine's performance? The wild, frenzied, "dancing" brought on by Scott's performance of a Hall and Oats song?

I mean, come on, woman. Look at yourself. Hall and OATS?! Oh, Paula.

Song: "When I Dream"
Fashion: Tina Turneresque, with a MAD 'FRO! I can't stop watching her hair!
Performance: Nicely sung, but not... very... zzzzzzzzzzzz
Note: Crystal Gayle?! Really?
Judges: "You can go home now." OUCH.
Baby Picture: Aaaw, baby 'fro!

Bogart Bice!
Song: The classic "Free Bird"
Fashion: Cowpoke Chic. I feel like riding a horse now. Huh?
Performance: Um, different. Is he phoning it in these days? Well, even phoning it in, I like.
Judges: Simon says what? Sacred? Hmmm. Classic rock? Yes. Sacred? It's called a dictionary, Simon.
Baby Picture: Baby Bogart! Baby Bogart! *hugs*

Creepy, Wide-Eyed Anwar
Song: "I Know I'll Never Love Again"
Fashion: A 70's style button-up, buttoned down to THERE. Dude shaves his chest? And was Ryan hitting on him right there on television, in front of God, and Hall and Oats, and everybody?
Performance: *crickets*
Note: Dionne Warwick? Closet? What closet? And good lord, man, stop scooping your notes! Hello?! Music 101? GAH!
Judges: He's "like a blanket"? Yah, the ratty, scratchy wool one with gaping holes and electric blanket coils running through it, maybe. I hate those blankets. Hate 'em. They rub me the wrong way.
Baby Picture: I liked the preteen bow-tie shot. Nice!

Anthony FedMan
Song: "Everytime You Go Away"
Fashion: Understated (Okay, I can't remember. But he probably looked cute).
Performance: Earnest, geeky, and nice.
Judges: It didn't suck! Who knew?!
Note: I LOVED this song! Wait. This song was popular when I was a teenager. A TEENAGER!
Baby Picture: Gerber Baby? Aaaw! Wook at wittle Fedewov! *mwah!*

Song: "Let's Hear It for the Boy"
Fashion: Disco ball top, jean skirt. Interesting.
Performance: Cuteness Overload! I repeat: Cuteness Overload! (Stop GIGGLING into the microphone at every breath, pretty please?)
Judges: Liked it mucho. 'Cuz she's so cute.
Note: This song was ALSO popular when I was a teenager! Bah. Oldness.
Baby Picture: Seriously cute, even as a child. Cute, cute, cute, cute. Mad CUTE.

Song: "She's Gone"
Outfit: I'm not... quite... sure...
Performance: Honestly, the lower register? Meh. He really connected with the upper, though. I felt you, dawg. I felt you.
Judges: Um, Hall and Oats liked it! Holy Awful Plastic Surgery, Batman! What happened to their faces?! ("Oh, why?! Oh why?!") Hold me. I'm skerred.
Baby Picture: A bit startling, even as a baby.

Song: "Love is a Battlefield"
Fashion: Awesome, AWESOME straight hair with underlights! I LOVE HER HAIR! Sexy black open-backed cami, sweet jeans. I have quite the little "girl-crush" going on here. I do! I DO! I don't care!
Presentation: The robotic hip shaking was endearing; props for tackling Pat Benatar. Rock on!
Judges: Yo, yo, yo, dawgs, Randy Jackson is a big fat meanie! Did anyone point out Jessica Sierra's glaring mistake during "Total Eclipse of the Heart"? Did they? Huh? NO! They did not. And we sat through her singing the EXACT SAME lyrics twice in a row, uh, TWICE IN A ROW! And no one said a word. Nada. Bupkis. Geez! Inconsistent, much? That being said, the "kitten trying to be a tiger" comment? Totally fair. (Click here for further discussion of this topic.)
Baby Picture: Cutie patootie.

Song: Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody"! Woo-hoo!
Outfit: Grunge?
Presentation: Bright light strobing! Gratuitous hair tossing! Mic-stand swinging! Camera love-making! *sigh*
Judges: Verbal tongue bath. But did anyone mention HIS lyric flub? "Uhmmmm mmmmm mmm the mmm blooooooows..." NO! They did not. In fact, they made dern sure to play him singing the CORRECT lyrics in the recaps at the end of the show. Good thing he remembered them at the dress rehearsal, eh?
Notes: Did anyone have the inevitable and unfortunate flashbacks to Wayne's World? Anyone? No? "Turn it off, man! Turn it off! It's sucking my will to live!"
Baby Picture: Smoldering Baby Idol material. I want to kiss him! And the picture was way cute, too.

Prediction: Farewell to Scott or Nadia. It's a toss-up.

link | posted by Cat at 8:42 AM

Blogger Circus Kelli commented:

Apropos to nothing:

Woo! I'm a "peep"!

Thanks, Cat! :)

» 4/13/2005 7:53 AM 
Blogger Random and Odd commented:

You are just a big ol' meanie Cat! How dare you pick on the ONE guy I love. I love that Electric Blanket and I don't care who knows!

You better start singing a different tune soon or I am going to have use my womanly ways to get Bono kicked out the running on pope idol!! I have that power you know? i do. watch out. ;)

Good review. Except Trach boy freaks me out more and more each week. I won't tell you what Shaun said about his baby pictures!!

» 4/13/2005 9:25 AM 
Blogger Cat commented:

Oh, c'mon! Don't leave us hangin' like that, woman!

» 4/13/2005 10:00 AM 
Blogger Vajana commented:

Love the fishy.

» 4/13/2005 10:56 AM 
Blogger Cat commented:

Kelli: Not only are you My Peep, you're Good Peep!

Vajana: ME, TOO! I laughed out loud when I saw it. Unexpected liberation, eh? :)

Kristine: If I apologize for playing mean with Anwar, will you share? Pretty please?

» 4/13/2005 11:13 AM 
Anonymous Anonymous commented:

I agree with your picks, but you do have way too much free time!!!
lots of love,
yo sistah

» 4/13/2005 11:30 AM 
Blogger Bella commented:

Scott? Why?? No, no, no...he no go anywhere. Darnit. He better not. :( Anwar or Nadia - better choice. :) Bella happy.

» 4/13/2005 4:22 PM 
Blogger Shaun commented:

I said I thought it would have been funny to see a little pacifier in the hole in baby Trach boy's baby photo. I might have said something about a baby bottle with two nipples also for Baby Trach, don't recall where I stopped rambling. Something about Scott's sausage fingers and scary WC Fields baby pic, Bo's piglet baby picture, and, of course, Constantine's chicklets. I must have missed the whole singing part of the show.

» 4/14/2005 12:02 AM 

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