Merry Christmas, all! I mean, Season's Greetings! We hope you are all happy and well, and that you have been good little boys and girls so Santa Claus, er, I mean Saint-- no, that's not it... Wait, how can I even think of endorsing a man as Eurocentric, closed-minded, and disapproving as Santa Claus, a man completely obsessed with rigid value judgments like 'naughty' and 'nice'? I mean, who is he to say?! Huh?! JUST WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS?! GOSH!
Sooooo, moving on... in honor of the season, how about a few Christmas Carols, oops, I mean Holiday Ballads of Strictly Secular Joy? Those are always fun this time of year! Oh! Here's one we all know and love! I'll start. Feel free to sing along if you know the words:
I'm dreaming of a multicultural non-denominational winter solstice,
Just like the ones I used to know...
Pardon? You don't know that one? Oh. Well, surely you know this one!:
Frosty the Snowperson! Despite the effects of global warming was a jolly, self-actualizing, soul...
What? Come on, you know, with the catchy "Thumpity thump, thump" chorus? No? Huh.
Um, Rudolph the Differently-abled Reindeer-American? No!... seriously?!
You know, all this politically-correct holiday hoopla has me a little stressed out, I don't mind admitting. Add that stress to the expense of family pictures, Christmas cards, postage for Christmas cards, shipping and handling charges, gratuitous lighting displays and assorted festive paraphernalia, Black Friday impulse buys, presents for kids, spouse, parents, grandparents, co-workers, bosses, teachers, and party hostesses, not to mention the last-minute gifts I had to buy-- full-price! In crowded malls!-- to reciprocate gifts from People With Whom I Did Not Until Recently Know I Was Exchanging Gifts, and boy howdy! I've got myself a panic attack waiting to happen, I tell you what.
Is it New Year's yet?
Aw, I kid. Kidding! I'm a kidder. That's what I do. My family and I are in fact quite full of the holiday spirit and are feeling extraordinarily thankful for the blessings we have received this year. If it takes dancing on the edge of financial ruin with the Spirit of Pagan Commercial Greed to have these warm, tender feelings in our hearts, well, then so be it!
* Six-year-old, Allison, waiting for Hannah to finish with soccer practice (therefore alone for once in the backseat of my car), belting out Emmy Rossum's Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera over and over and over and OVER while thoroughly engrossed in perfecting her performance by singing into the silvery backside of my iPod (which makes a fab impromptu compact mirror, FYI). Almost in tune and utterly heartfelt, to boot.
* Allison, (while visiting AZ this summer) on a drive with Grandma Sue to the neighboring town of Show Low (which is a good 50 miles away from St. Johns), apparently contracting a bad case of diarrhea of the mouth: After a solid half-hour of talk, talk, talking her way through Barbies, outdoor swimming pools, the scenery, the shapes of clouds, Pioneer Day parades, Pokemon, and what she would be buying with her allowance at Walmart, she announced to everybody in the car (Grandma, Aunt Kim, and her Game-Boy engrossed bro and sis), "I'm tired. Everybody be quiet so I can sleep." She then proceeded to bitterly complain about the noise level in the car for the next ten minutes until they arrived at their destination. Yep. She's a keeper.
* Seven-year-old, Hannah, getting down with her mercenary capitalist self when-- after a season of timidly skirting around the soccer ball but never really coming into contact with it-- she took her Daddy up on his promise of a dollar if she made "just one goal" by immediately penetrating the fray, kicking the ball right out of the cluster of girls, and (with a pack of Blue Dolphins hot on her heels), taking that ball to the net and KICKING IT IN.
* Hannah, creating a dioramic world of red-scarfed, pipe-cleaner reindeer, free-standing pipe-cleaner heart trees, origami snowflakes, and bejeweled Polly Pockets, blending almost indistinguishably against a lovingly painted background in an old cardboard box.
* Nine-year-old, Tanner, wearing his (thankfully!) lightweight airplane pajamas under his clothes all day at school because changing was apparently not an option in his mad rush to beat his sisters to the last two packets of instant oatmeal. Maple-flavored.
* Tanner, that weekend his sisters took a much-needed break from their Phantom of the Opera Love Fest and indulged themselves in a little R & R with Barbie of Swan Lake. To demonstrate his displeasure, Tanner would periodically walk into the living room and make deprecating remarks regarding the movie. Now, the girls were so involved in the world of beautiful princesses and unicorns and enchanted forests that they were not a bit bothered by this. I, however, being less enraptured, grew more and more impressed with my son's dogged perseverance and critical ingenuity. He was brilliant! A veritable geyser of wit and sharp punditry! A genius of epic proportions! An illustrious career in political commentary or the entertainment industry surely awaited him! I was lost in dreams of his greatness!...
Until he walked in, took a quick look at Odette and Lila the Unicorn deep in conversation onscreen, then said in his very best disparaging nine-year-old voice, "Well, that's just stupid. I mean, REAL unicorns can't talk!"
We laughed him out of the room, poor boy. Ah well, a political career ain't all it's cracked up to be.
* Aaron coming home from a day of mountain biking with the guys from work, all covered in dirt, darkening bruises, a wicked looking gash on his shin, and a huge smile on his face. When I was more horrified by his injuries than duly impressed by his obvious prowess on the bike trails, and asked him what the other guys looked like, he informed me that he, unlike the wussies he biked with, didn't believe in mamby-pambying it down the hill. "I left 'em in my dust!" he bragged. "I only crashed twice, and the second time I hit a rock and-- woo!-- flew right over the handlebars! Oh, but don't worry, Cat! I was wearing my helmet and was only out for, like, a minute." Yep. He's so not biking with the boys anymore.
I totally wore my Constantine t-shirt.
Okay, Aaron says that is quite enough of my silliness, thank you very much. Whatever. Way to kill the glee, Aaron. Gosh.
With love and peace,
Cat, Aaron, and family
link | posted by Cat at 2:04 PM
- mrtl commented:
You are such a hoot, my friend. I'm glad we got to meet this year!
- » 12/23/2005 3:52 PM
- Circus Kelli commented:
Merry Merry Christmas to you all, Cat. You have such a lovely, adorable family, every last one of you. May this year be the happiest yet for you, too.
- » 12/23/2005 8:13 PM
- WILLIAM commented:
I saw this on one comdey central.
A politically correct Santa enters the room and says, "Ladies of the evening, ladies of the evening, ladies of the evening."
- » 12/24/2005 9:38 AM
- Cat commented:
WILLIAM, as usual, thanks for the giggle.
Lady of the evening... Hee.
- » 12/24/2005 10:54 AM
- Vajana commented:
you've definitely brought entertainment my way this year. Have a great Christmas, make some more memories to share!
- » 12/24/2005 12:26 PM
- Ern commented:
Merry, merry Christmas to the Cat family!
- » 12/24/2005 10:12 PM
- kalki commented:
Merry Christmas, yo! And also to The Man and the kiddos!
- » 12/25/2005 2:51 PM
- Greenthumb commented:
Merry Christmas Cat and Family!!!
- » 12/25/2005 9:50 PM
- Amy commented:
Great post! Merry Christmas to you and yours, Cat!
- » 12/26/2005 1:28 PM
- LadyBug commented:
Oh, PLEASE tell me you sent that Christmas letter to all your friends and family.
And, if not, can I copy it and send it to mine? (I didn't get mine done this year.)
Either way, thanks for sharing this, Cat. Heck, thanks for sharing YOU with us. I'm honored to be part of your fan base.
- » 12/27/2005 12:19 AM
- Nessa commented:
Cat - every day I come here and think to myself "I wish I could be Cat for just one day - I mean, look how much FUN they have!!!!" Thank you for sharing yourself and your family with us - it's truly an honor to "know" you!! Maybe one day, we shall meet for real!
- » 12/27/2005 9:08 AM
- Random and Odd commented:
I don't know how to show you how much I love you and your family.
*flashing you my boobs*
DAMN, I have GOT to get off this medication!
*hug* here's to another year of American Idol!
- » 12/27/2005 4:43 PM
- Cat commented:
OMG, y'all! Kristine's BOOBIES! Did anyone else see that?! They're GLORIOUS!
That being said, I cannot freaking WAIT for AI 5!
I know. Whatever. It's a character flaw.
- » 12/27/2005 5:23 PM