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Desperate Working Mommas
Your one-stop site for fanatical television snarking, questionable political analysis, occasional attempts to address the parenting issues facing working mothers, and halfhearted promises to stop obsessing about the entertainment industry, already! Oh, not to mention the random bitching and moaning. There's always that.
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
Spasms or Orgasms?

"Can I borrow your trampoline?"

This morning I received this rather cryptic email from my eleven-month pregnant friend/colleague. Cryptic, because 1) I don't own a trampoline (well, anymore), and 2) it's like, oh, I'd say ONE (1!) degree outside. With a wind-chill factor of negative freezing-my-buttocks-off. Oh, and the pregnancy thing. So, cryptic.

Then I remembered a conversation we had several months ago when I regaled her with the tale of this crazy woman I know trying to induce labor by taking matters into her own hands and darn near killing herself-- okay, MYSELF, it was me, ME! gosh!-- on my mother-in-law's trampoline. Not to mention straining those freaking springs beyond all recognition. Man, those trampoline beds can really give, you know? I mean, like, honest-to-goodness, wide-load-slamming-into-the-ground give! Let's just say the nieces and nephews were NOT happy with Aunt Cat. And I must admit the broken springs flying every which way were obviously a potential hazard. (Heh-heh... Twang!) Oh, ho ho... good times, good times....

What? Like you didn't try it.

This simple question started a flurry of emails discussing the relative merits of every do-it-yourself pregnancy starter known to man.

At some point I suggested castor oil, as my mother-in-law swears that felicitous elixir worked for her. Then again, she told me eating raw wheat germ would help me get pregnant (hmmm... I DID get pregnant the month I tried that! Dun dun DUN!) Apparently, the agonizing spasms caused by the-- well, ahem, heh heh, you know-- Get Things Going. It sounds twelve types of disgusting to me, but desperate times call for desperate blah blah blah...

She apparently did not care for the idea of "spasms" (I can't say I blame her, really), and shot back a reference to an author who propounds that simply having sex is the better option, citing that the best course of action is to "frequently make love and have orgasms, whether by yourself or with your partner!" By yourself OR with your partner! Well! That sounds fun! Except, did I mention the eleven months pregnant thing? Oh, and apparently a generous amount of nipple stimulation is strongly encouraged. Well thank goodness she pointed that out, we both agreed.

This conversation ultimately culminated with the reminiscence of my last labor experience. Coincidentally, TGIM and I had read an article similar to the one she was quoting. Do I even need to tell you how on-board he was with the whole "have lots of orgasms" thing? I was all, "No, honey, ME. ME!"

In fact, if I recall correctly, while in the labor room he asked me if I wanted him to stimulate my nipples, you know, to speed things up a bit. That's right. He was offering to fiddle with my nipples. Right there. In the labor room. DURING LABOR. In front of the nurses, God, AND EVERYBODY. Oh, I do not kid.

(In his defense, I am pretty sure one of the nurses suggested this whole nipple stimulation scenario originally. You heard me. Can you say "Awkward Moment"? When did I sign up for pregnancy porn?! "PUSH! boom chicka wow wow...")

In between excruciating contractions and blissful Stadol haziness, I sensibly suggested we just have sex; I mean, why go half-way?

That shut him up.

Incidentally, I believe my friend is starting to lean toward the castor oil. Apparently, spasms are looking better all the time.

link | posted by Cat at 3:19 PM

Anonymous Anonymous commented:

OMG, love the Stadol. Your post has me laughing, both at your suggestion of L&D sex and the memory of my Stadol-induced flirtation with my OB.

Good luck to your friend. I hope everything comes out ok.


» 2/06/2005 10:51 PM 

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