My Significant Other, otherwise known as That Guy I Married (TGIM), is away on business. You know what that means, right? Yep, once the kids are in bed I get full, unbridled access to the remote, and I can stretch my legs and take up the whole couch while eating my very own pint of Ben & Jerry's New York Super Fudge Chunk ice cream without TGIM looking lustfully at it while smacking his lips. So it's all good, you know? The absence of his fierce flatulence is an added bonus. None of his "Woo-hoo! Cat, you may not want to lift those covers! Oops, too late! Ha ha ha ha ha!" Yep. I miss him.
So last night TGIM called to chat and quite possibly engage in other phone services. Men. Anyhoos, sensing my distraction (Hey, I paused Gilmore Girls, but it's not as if I can pause my imagination. I'm only human!), he managed to capture my attention with an astonishing (ASTONISHING, I say!) revelation:
"Guess what?" he said, in his most nonchalant, I Have Nothing To Hide Because I Am a Good Boy voice. "Two girls just slipped their room keys into my pocket."
Hmmm... I mean, Luke and Lorelei are breaking up here and it's ripping my heart into little tiny pieces because if THEY can't make it work then what hope do the rest of us have? Plus, Lauren Graham looks really strange paused mid-cry and its totally freaking me out and--
Wait. What? What's that you say?
But I am totally secure in my relationship with my tall, muscular , handsome, charismatic TGIM, so I was all, "What?! WHAT?! WHO ARE THEY?! WHAT DO THEY LOOK LIKE?! DO THEY HAVE BIG FAKE BOOBS?! ARE YOU HOOKING UP WITH THEM?! GAH!!"
I mean, honestly. What kind of Man Eating Hooker Thong Skank Ho slips her room key into the pocket of a married man? Even if she happens to be intoxicated at the time? And quite possibly high? And very, very stupid? With big knockers?
What? Did she mistake him for Nick Lachey? Brad Pitt, perhaps? Did he somehow stumble onto the set of Temptation Island? Does he have "I Want to Cheat on My Wife With a Man Eating Hooker Thong Skank Ho" tattooed across his forehead? Because, FREAKING HELL, ladies! And I am playing fast and loose with the "ladies" moniker, I assure you.
I suggested that perhaps these women were just messing with him-- which in retrospect, may have wounded his fragile male ego, but in these times of high emotional distress, can you blame me?-- but he proudly assured me they were in earnest regarding a little extramarital fling.
Oh, WERE they?
Have you ever wanted to climb right through the ol' transcontinental telephone wires-- or the wireless airspace-time continuum thingy-ma-jigger, whatev-- and open a can of piping-hot, delicately-seasoned whoop ass on someone? Have you? SCREW Luke and Lorelei, I've got me a Situation!
Then TGIM sighed and hit me with the timeworn classic: "But don't worry. I'm a good boy."
Oh, no he DID NOT.
So, of course, I sweetly responded with, "What do you want? An award? An "I Could Have Cheated But I Just Said No" t-shirt?"
I know. I know. WHY?! Why do I say things like this?! Seriously. Why didn't I just encourage him to take those keys and have a fabulous time, but be sure to use protection, oh, and call me in the morning, don't stay out too late, okay sweetie, buh-bye?
It's just this type of question that keeps me up at night, folks.
- Circus Kelli commented:
Cat sweetie, no matter what a guy does (I'm generalizing here, k?), it's always "Hey, Honey, look what I did!" Woo! Look! Some other girl(s) think I'm hot, but I diddin do nuthin 'bout it! Woo, look! I picked up my dirty socks! Woo, look at me! I changed the roll of toilet paper!What if us girls went around doing that all the time? Honey, look! I emptied the dishwasher made dinner filled the dishwasher washed and folded the laundry put the clean laundry away picked up your dirty socks AGAIN (thus starting a new pile of dirty laundry because up until you took those socks off all the laundry was DONE) AND even made your lunch for work tomorrow after I worked all day and picked up the dry cleaning on the way home.Pfft. Men. ;)
- » 2/16/2005 12:11 PM
- .r commented:
Wow, cat...sorta stupified, here. And, um, circus kelli? I'm a bona fide non-caps-shouting WOMAN, but have to cop to once feeling so proud of my self that I e-mailed my WAHM (Work Away from Home Man) a "things I've accomplished so far today" list. Seriously, you've never done this?
- » 2/16/2005 4:33 PM
- Cat commented:
Me? No No and NO. I'm more of a "honeydew list" kinda gal. You know: Honeydew the dishes, honeydew the laundry...
- » 2/16/2005 6:07 PM
Why stupified? I assume you caught the sarcasm. It oozed.
- » 2/16/2005 6:13 PM