I was a naive teen. Truly. I'm not kidding. I mean, I knew about sex, and had friends doing it, but since I was "saving myself," as all God-fearin' gals do, I wasn't all that sure on the particulars. I mean, if my friend could lose her virginity to her 6'3" boyfriend in the backseat of his VW Bug, then what the hell was going on?! I mean, how could they even FIT BACK THERE?! I didn't even know VW Bug's HAD a backseat! Obviously, there was some sort of weird contortion involved, and I wasn't asking. Because gross. And don't even get me started on oral sex! I mean, that was the work of the devil, right? Normal, non-deviant people really didn't do THAT, right? Oooooh! Which reminds me of a story!

Story Time with Cat

Once upon a time, there was a 17-year-old high school senior named Cat. She was at a friend's house, where a party was going on. Oh, not THAT kind of party. More of a coed social gathering, if you will. Parents were home, so there was much food, dancing, and playing of volleyball in the backyard. There may have been some eager groping going on in the dark corners of the house, but who can really say? It (unfortunately) wasn't the heroine of our story, in any case, so whatev.

Anyhoosy, Cat and a mixed group of friends were sitting around embarrassedly telling each other embarrassing stories about embarrassing situations which had embarrassed them. To figuratively crown the biggest loser, of course. Because that is what bored, sober teenagers do for fun, in case you didn't know.

So Cat's friend, let's call him Mike, shall we? began to recount the story of a phone conversation with a friend gone terribly wrong. Apparently, a good guy friend of Mike's was quizzing him about a girl he was dating.

"So. Dude. You guys had oral sex, yet?" the friend asked him, because teenaged boys are horrible, awful people who gossip and lie incessantly and should never be trusted in ANY WAY to keep secret any type of information about sexual exploits with girlfriends or others. Just so you know. Because they suck.

Mike told those assembled that he thought about it for a minute. "And I was all, 'Hell yeah, we've had oral sex! All the time, actually. Practically every night!'" He told us that his friend was suitably impressed. Mike went on to explain that really, he had gotten it all wrong. You see in his mind, oral sex was like an oral report. So because he and his girlfriend got a little steamy in their conversations with each other, they were obviously having oral sex.

"Get it?" he had told us, laughing at his stupidity. "Like oral reports? Talking about it? Get it! Oral sex?!" He laughed about how stupid he felt when another friend laughingly told him what it all really meant. Then he suddenly remembered how his girlfriend had dumped his sorry, naive, kiss-and-tell ass soon thereafter.

"Ooooooooh," he ended the story, thoughtfully.

Everybody laughed, oh yes they did! Cat laughed too, but here is the kicker. Sadly, if you guessed that Cat still didn't get it, then kudos. In fact, throughout the night she kept thinking to herself, "What?! Then what the hell IS oral sex?!" And she wondered, "And does it really involve blowing? because, WEIRD! and UN. COMFORTABLE."

So even though Mike (obviously!) was named the biggest loser of the night-- and subsequently lost out on several potential dates as all the girls in the room knew what a freaking gossip he was!-- Cat should have won the crown hands down. Because she was married before she figured THAT one out. GOSH!

Embarrassing.

The End.