The cutest little boy EVER was on the flight home with me from Podunky Small Town, AZ. Cutest. Kid. EVER! He was all of three years old, and cute as a button. A very cute little BUTTON! Aaaaw! Cute little man! I fell in love at first sight; he was THAT cute.
Okay, he was a little squirrelly, but nothing major. I mean, my kids would have been seriously bouncing off the cockpit walls, so I admired his restraint. It was a late flight, and you could tell he was a tad tired, obviously excited, and way overstimulated by the sights and sounds of his first flight ever. 'Cause it was a plane ride, y'all! On a plane! Which makes loud noises at takeoff! And obviously scares the bejeebies out of him! 'Cause it's a big, scary plane!
Or maybe it was the M&M's he was popping like, uh... well, like candy. I don't know! Who can say, really?! But squirrelly he was! All over the place!
So I am watching this kid. You know, 'cause he's cute. And I missed my own kiddos. And what suddenly struck me was the fact that the little boy's dad was sitting in the window seat. Okay. Squirrelly kid sits next to Mom, who is on the aisle. I can live with that. My children would have been climbing all over me, kicking and screaming for the window seat, but whatev. To each his own, I always say. I am open-minded that way. No, really.
But this dad, he's like, leaning, totally hogging the window! I mean, not even a teensy tiny sliver of the plane's takeoff could ANYONE see, especially not the little boy who was desperately craning his neck to see around his big ol' daddy's Sputnik-like head, which was blocking the entire freaking window. COMPLETELY. I'm SO not kidding! The boy HAD to be thinking, "Head! Move that melon of yours if you can! I don't know how you haul that gargantuan cranium about!"
Huh. That's way funnier when Mike Myers says it.
So naturally the little boy tried to get out of his seatbelt. This is when I realized the enormity of the situation. I was sitting next to a rare breed of parent, y'all. Yes. They are difficult to find in nature, but looky! There they were, right in front of me! How fortuitous. That's right, folks. A matching set of Parents with Mad Crazy Conflict Avoidance Issues.
Intrigued, I studied them, taking copious mental notes for posterity.
Mom with Mad Crazy Conflict Avoidance Issues: Jordan! Sit down! Get back in your seatbelt! You are going to get in trouble! You! Will! Get! In! Trouble! The mean stewardess is going to come by and yell at you! Look! Ooooh, here she comes!
Cutest Little Boy EVER: (worriedly struggles back into seatbelt) She will yell at me?
Mom with Mad Crazy Conflict Avoidance Issues: That's right! You're going to get in trouble! She will yell at you if you don't sit down!
Dad with Mad Crazy Conflict Avoidance Issues: Uh-oh! She's coming! She's coming!
The boy wiggled back into his seatbelt and eyed the flight attendant warily. Dude. He practically jumped out of his skin when she came by with drinks.
Obnoxious Busybody Next to Me: (in loud stage whisper to her equally obnoxious busybody husband, who spent ten freaking minutes moaning about preboarding etiquette and how he was in line before those elderly people in wheelchairs and the women with children, dammit! ) Oh. That is awful the way she is doing that to her own child. Blaming the stewardess like that. Or, should I say, "flight attendant"? They don't call them "stewardess" any more, you know.
A little while later, after a desperate shift in my seat-- as I attempted to get as far away as humanly possible from the Obnoxious Busybody Coupling going on next to me (EW! No PDA! On a Plane! When you are NOT CUTE! And Obnoxious Busybodies! GAH!)-- the little boy's mother let him walk around in the aisle to stretch his legs. Needless to say, he did NOT want to sit back down again.
It was adorable. He giggled and ran to the front of the plane and stood by the bathroom door, grinning like crazy. I would have been snapping pictures until the flight attendant yelled at me and I had to get jiggy and bust a cap in her a... wait. What?
Oh, right. I digress.
Of course, I tried to shield the innocent little boy from the gagoliciously inappropriate groping going on in the seats next to me. Vomit. Not kidding. Even now I am feeling a bit queasy, actually. Hold on a sec...
Back now. Where was I? Oh, yes.
Dad with Mad Crazy Conflict Avoidance Issues: You need to sit down! The stewardess is coming! Get back here! She's coming and she will yell at you!
The little boy paused, uncertain.
Mom with Mad Crazy Conflict Avoidance Issues: (stomping to the front of the plane) You're not allowed to stand there! You will get in trouble! (to the "mean" flight attendant) He's not allowed to stand here, right?
The flight attendant shook her head "no," but she cushioned the blow with a smile.
Mom with Mad Crazy Conflict Avoidance Issues: See? You are going to get in trouble. The mean stewardess said you better go sit down!
Obnoxious Busybody Next to Me: (disengaging her thin little fish lips from her lovah's neck. Ew! Ew!) Tsk, tsk, tsk... I would never treat MY child like that. That is so bad, the way they are manipulating him... It is a darn shame.
The boy sat down.
I have to admit, it was killing me that I pretty much agreed with Obnoxious Busybody Next to Me. Seriously. Dying a little inside, here. Sure. Obnoxious Busybody Next to Me was still gross. And obnoxious. And seriously stinky. And next to me. But I still agreed with her about the Good Cop, Bad Cop manipulation going on. But, good lord! Can you blame me? CAN YOU?! I know, I KNOW, judgmental, much? Oh! The SHAME! I feel so DIRTY!
Anywhos, I did the only thing I could do in this situation. I leaned over and gave the little boy a wink and a smile.
Cutest Little Boy EVER: (to me) Hi!
Me: Hi, cutie!
His mother smiled wearily at me and sighed gustily.
Mom with Mad Crazy Conflict Avoidance Issues: (to me) God. Kids are so hard, emotionally, you know?
And I softened, y'all. Because, you know, she was TRYING. Feeling her way in this crazy world of parenting. I may not be comfortable with her mad crazy conflict avoidance issues, but I felt her pain. A motherly kinship, if you will. And who am I to judge?
Mom with Mad Crazy Conflict Avoidance Issues: (smiling lovingly at her little boy) So, SO hard. But totally worth it, huh?
Aaaaaw. Word, Mom with Mad Crazy Conflict Avoidance Issues. A truckload of word.
- Nessa commented:
awwww - glad there was a light!
- » 6/02/2005 9:33 AM
- Random and Odd commented:
pooor kid. He's going to have crazy mad sexual issues with flight attendants now!!
- » 6/02/2005 10:43 AM
- mrtl commented:
Super Nanny would have slapped both of those parents till they bled.
How dare that jerk of a father take up the entire window on the boy's first flight????
I ache for him.
- » 6/02/2005 11:04 AM
- Cat commented:
Kristine: Have I told you lately that you = HILARIOUS?! Plus, would that necessarily be a BAD thing?
Mrtl: I KNOW! (said with scary Monica Gellar fervor)
- » 6/02/2005 11:10 AM