Ryan Seacrest: Coming to you LIVE from Hollywood's Kodak Theatre, it's... me! Ryan Seacrest! I'm unseasonably tan and deceptively wee! I work out! And flat-iron my hair! Oh, it's also another music-filled night of American Idol. Now remember, America, every vote counts tonight. Seriously. If your favorite contestant goes home, it is on your head. I'm just saying.
Okay! Let's start the evening by-- Hmm? What? The season is over? I'm just supposed to read the teleprompter and introduce the judges? Huh?! Wait, so no hushed, introspective one-on-one with the camera? No catchy DUH-nuh-nuh-NUH-nuh-NUH musical intro? No MONTAGE?! Really?!
Oh. Well, this is awkward.
Er, so... moving on! Here are your Idol judges. First up, we have the swing voting, lexiconically-challenged keeper of the dawg pound, Randy Jackson! (woof! woof! woof!)
Next, the straight-up talented and lovely queen of insipidly positive comments, Paula Abdul! (wooooooo!) Ha! "Straight up"! That was a joke! Get it? Like, a pun! Funny!
Last, and definitely least, we have the arrogant, man-breasted, king of barrages of dead-on critical superlatives, Simon Cowell! (BOO.)
All right America, the moment you've been waiting for... Tonight Carrie Underwood makes her music video debut singing her breakout #1 country hit, Jesus, Take the Wheel, hot off the #2 album in the USA, Some Hearts, which is currently the highest charting album for a debut artist in 2005. Your American Idol judges have gathered to view the music video and weigh in.
But first a word from our sponsors. Remember, without these commercials no one would get paid and daddy needs some new highlights.
(Commercial: Drink Coca-Cola. Like, lots of it. And drive a Ford! Oh, and Cingular wireless phones rock the hizzouse. The end)
(View Video NOW)
Randy: Carrie, Carrie, Carrie. Yo, that was dope, dawg! Aiight?! You did your thing. I love your voice, man, you give me chills. I mean it, you got pipes! That was brilliant, dude. Not pitchy at ALL. Best. Vocals. Ever. I would buy that single. You are forever in my Dawg Pound now! You can do anything! Aiight?! Aiight.
Paula: Aaaaaw, girl... I'm speechless! Just speechless! I am so proud of you, Carrie. You had fun with this and you made it your own. And you look gorgeous in those blue jeans! Rawr! Radiant! I love you soooo much! You never cease to amaze me with your fantabulous vocals. That was haunting... No, really, you moved me, you really, really did (stands up and seal claps with her fingers pointing outward)... You deserve this! You do!
Simon: (Staring at Paula) You are completely insane. (Turning to Carrie) If I'm being totally honest, it would have been a shock if you couldn't have got that one right. (crowd boos, Simon turns around and faces audience) Would you people shut UP for a moment? I'm not finished! (Turning back to Carrie) Well, this has never happened before... I'm about to be nice. I predicted you would not only win, but sell more records than any other Idol in American Idol history. I'd like to congratulate America again for getting it exactly right. After several absolute losers were voted through strictly because of sympathy votes rather than talent, you raised the game.
Randy: Uh, Simon? You can't just be calling people losers. How's Scott supposed to feel, huh? And Whitey McWhiterson, er, A-Fed? Vonzell? What's wrong with you, man?
Paula: Yeah!
Simon: I can call them whatever I like.
Paula: No, you can't.
Simon: Yes, I can.
Paula: No, you can't.
Simon: Yes, I can.
Paula: I know you are, but what am I?
Simon: Huh?
Randy: Well, then I have a problem with you, Simon.
Simon: We'll discuss it later.
Randy: No, now! This is crazy. This is America, man!
Simon: Oh, go take a happy pill and we'll discuss this later. (Turning back to Carrie) Where was I? Oh, yes. Congratulations, Carrie. Very, very well done, indeed. Oh, and one more thing... I BLOODY WELL TOLD YOU SO, AMERICA!
Ryan: Uh, okay. So... there you have it. Don't forget to check out Carrie's debut album Some Hearts, and also DO NOT forget to check out my star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. It's cool! And I absolutely did not pay to have it put there! It was a complete surprise to me! Scout's honor! Now I need to go before my child-sized ironic t-shirt and tight trendy blue jeans completely cut off my breath supply...
Seacrest, OUT.
(ETA: Incidentally, if country music and/or Jesus ain't yer thang, her pop song Some Hearts is pretty dang good, too. I heard her sing it live on The Today Show and DAMN. Just... damn.)
10 Comments:
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commented:
What?
You crazy, woman.
aaron- » 11/28/2005 1:17 PM
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Cat commented:
But, like, GOOD crazy, right? Right?
- » 11/28/2005 1:27 PM
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WILLIAM commented:
If you can do this after every epidode of AI (not Alan Iverson) I maybe would start watching the show.
- » 11/28/2005 1:35 PM
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Cat commented:
Oh, ho, ho! William, you obviously have not seem my archives during the AI4 season, have you? Because pretty much every post during the first five months of this year was given over to endless blathering about AI (not Alan Iverson). Because I just can't stop myself. It's a sickness.
- » 11/28/2005 1:41 PM
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Unknown commented:
Would "Word" be appropriate here?
- » 11/28/2005 2:51 PM
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WILLIAM commented:
I caught the tail end of the Cat's American Idol in the spring and I enjoyed it but I was too late to kow all the characters. Some dude named Bo and Instanbul was contantinople.
- » 11/28/2005 9:58 PM
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Cat commented:
Oh, CONSTANTINE, my (Not So ) Secret Greek Idol Luvah... Why you gotta be like that, huh?
Dude's getting a little full of himself. I may have to retire The Shirt. I know, right?!
Yo, William! Even old New York was once New Amsterdam. Why they changed it I can't say, people just liked it better that way! You know?
*sigh* Leave it to They Might Be Giants to turn literally centuries of ethnic and religious strife into a catchy little ditty. Rock on!- » 11/29/2005 5:19 AM
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Charlotte in Pa commented:
Cat having time to come up with this stuff = American Idle. (But I wouldn't have it any other way!)
- » 11/29/2005 7:37 AM
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Cat commented:
*snap* *snap*
Oh, no you DIN'T!
Charlotte, Charlotte, Charlotte... you sadly underestimate my wicked-crazy BSing abilities. SADLY.- » 11/29/2005 8:00 AM
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LadyBug commented:
You are such a hoot, cat.
(And that song? WOW.)- » 11/29/2005 9:11 AM