American Idol is on tonight!
Yes! Once again the season premiere of American Idol has descended upon us like manna from heaven above. Or in some case like a tidal wave of shrieking Valkyrie from Valhalla, but STILL! Mostly manna! From heaven! Seriously. What is not to love about watching hopeful contestants dressed in lovingly hand-crafted cow costumes have their dreams ripped apart by a surly Englishman?! Huh? Right?! HUH?!
Do not judge me harshly. I admit to times of genuine UN! COMFORTABLE! emotions when we come across the occasional contestant who clearly has no idea what he sounds like when he sings. Well, either that or he has never grasped the finer points of sarcasm and refused to take to heart the drunken' cries from the back of the karaoke bar of "Dude, you SUUUUUUUCK!" Wait. That's not sarcasm...
I mean, it is beyond me why these contestants' friends never took the time to pull them aside and say, "Listen. I've been lying to you for years. You pretty much suck with the singing. Please never EVER sing again for as long as you live EVER." Where's the love, people?! What kind of friends ARE YOU?!
Eh. Then again, if you blow half your college tuition to road-trip to Massachusetts and camp out on the cold, mean streets of Boston with thousands of other equally inspired (read: delusional) people-- ostensibly clad in lederhosen, leather suspenders, and half-stockings-- hoping for the infinitesimal chance of appearing on national television JUST to sing Climb Every Mountain and be verbally castigated by Simon Cowell in a delightfully "unscripted" fashion in front of millions of viewers around the globe? Honestly. The friends? Not to mention the lederhosen? Even if they are a happy sort of knickerbockers that love music and dance? Least of your worries, amigo, that's all I'm saying. My advice? Go for the kilt next time, buddy! It's kickier.
Face it. We are all fully aware that this spectacle-- the ridiculous costumes; the impromptu "confessionals" raging against The Man; the cheesed-off stage parents-slash-vocal "coaches"; the reflex "Woo!" every time the camera pans the crowd; the gay yodeling cowboy; the identical twins singing in perfectly CREEPY harmony (I'm just saying)-- is all just a means to an end, so my wee Ryan-- dressed in a natty pin-striped sportcoat with too-long sleeves (you know, due to his wee-ness?), trendy jeans, and a child-sized ironic t-shirt (again with the wee-ness)-- has a deliciously inane, not to mention gratingly annoying, montage of bad auditions to show at the AI5 Season Finale with the hope of making the last five months of fantastic to mediocre performances seem like Lollafreakingpalooza by comparison. Come on. You know I speak true.
That being said... I so hope Ryan looks super tan tonight. I love when he's super tan! Makes his teeth look even whiter! And shinier! All glittery and shizz! Like the stars! Oooooh... Maybe he'll commandeer Paula's contract-stipulated personal tanning bed (Girlfriend? You live in CALIFORNIA. Good LORD.) and really go to town, you know? Because that? Would be AWESOME. Hopefully he'll tone the spiky, flat-ironed hair down a bit this year, though. Someone could get hurt. For reals.
I am so going to tuck the kiddos into bed early, plant my tushy on the couch, and settle in for a solid night of awful to middling musical entertainment (with the occasional glimpse of amazing talent), overseen by Randy "Welcome To The Dawg Pound" Jackson, Paula "You Really Blew Me Away" Abdul, and Simon "That Was Simply Dreadful" Cowell.
Rock. Freaking. ON.
Cat... out.
7 Comments:
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BirdMadGirl commented:
I am completely ecstatic looking forward to the premier tonight. I'm an AI addict and have never missed a show... and I'll admit, not only does Simon usually say exactly what I'm thinking - - I just think he's adorable ;) The evil side of my personality wants to see people crash and burn... but the envious side wants to see some amazing talent because I KNOW I can't sing... my friends KNOW I can't sing... and they tell me frequently ;)
My favorite usually always makes it to the top 10, but none of them have ever won yet... Maybe this is the year that I get it right ;)- » 1/17/2006 10:41 AM
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commented:
And so it begins...
Here's my confession: I only watch the auditions. I get bored when all the sucky people are gone.- » 1/17/2006 10:53 AM
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Susie commented:
Exactly like kalki said. I watch the early shows, which are hysterical. Once they get to the talented people -- not so much.
- » 1/17/2006 2:20 PM
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Cat commented:
daun: Simon is my FAVE, I kid you not. He is blunt, but honest (except when he's NOT). In the immortal words of Cordelia Chase, "Tact is just not saying true stuff. I'll pass."
kalki: Truthfully, the auditions are my LEAST favorite part of AI. Well, technically Gloria Estefan Night is my least favorite, but auditions run a close second! Wait. How does Barry Manilow Night fit in here? And Disco Night! Holy Mother of Heaven, the HORROR!
Um, I forgot what I was talking about.
the mom: You go, girl! But not literally, you know, you being in the bathroom and all... but whatev. Live and let live, I always say!
susie: Hey, woman! I voted for you! (AND see above response to kalki) ;)
mrtl: Yay! SOLIDARITY.
And I am sick to death of the bunny ears antenna. Once you've had TiVo there ain't no going back, you know what I'm saying?! I just signed up for cable and a DVR and we should be up and running in time for the next new episode of Veronica Mars, baby!
Wow. You SO do not care, do you? Sorry. :)- » 1/17/2006 3:57 PM
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WILLIAM commented:
I will watch. For you. Because i know for the next five months every third or fourth post will make no sense to me otherwise, and I love reading your posts.
- » 1/17/2006 6:07 PM
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BirdMadGirl commented:
The premier was great last night and I can't wait to see what you post regarding the show :) I've posted some highlights on my blog as well that you'll have to check out.
- » 1/18/2006 8:38 AM
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Susie commented:
My comment disappeared. It said, "Voted for me?" Whatchoo talking about? What am I running for?
- » 1/18/2006 3:03 PM