(*chants*) Ste-vie! Ste-vie! Ste-vie! (Remember Stevie, guys? Do ya?) Ste-vie! Ste-vie! Ste-vie!...
Wow. That David Foster fellow is mighty full of himself, isn't he? A regular mutha. No, seriously, the dude's an ass. Ooooh, I hope he smacks down Pickler! Because awesome?
Oh, ho ho, listen to Kat (I love that she's Kat now, instead of Katharine. Solidarity, sistah!) all impromptu opera-ing it up with Andrea Bocelli. Andrea! Bocelli! Wow, she's GOOD. And he's got a super secret crush on her, too... and dude's BLIND.
Kat (If I Don't Have You): First off... BOOOOOOOOBS. Yeah, as if I wouldn't mention that. Good golly, Miss Molly! Ahem. Secondly, I think it is quite possible the judges have not only been passing around the hookah-- smoking God knows what but it ain't flavored tobacco, you know what I'm sayin'?-- but are also quite possibly insane because WHAT in the WORLD are they blathering on about?! That was simply gorgeous, Kat, and I'm not just saying that because of your quite excellent sartorial choices and the fact that you popped a button on your dress during your performance and accidentally flashed your cootch at several million people without breaking your stride. And considering the pompous jackass composer gave you his seal of approval, I'm wondering where Randy "Yo, yo, yo DAWG!" Jackson, Paula "Straight Up" Abdul, and Simon "I like to touch myself" Cowell get off saying any different. Way to take it with grace and style, Kat. Oh, and third of all, PRETTY. Love the hair. Wear yellow always. Now put those bad boys away before you hurt somebody.
Elliott (A Song for You): Huh. I didn't know Paula was a sad drunk. Lay off the sauce, Paula. Booze is no balm for the lonely... Oh, sorry, focusing. Elliott, you didn't move me to tears or anything (*cough* Paula *cough*), but that was very prettily done. Good on you, man! If you just had some stage presence, I could totally dig you. But don't worry, Randy and Paula luuuuuv you so, SO much. And you are looking... better tonight, so there's that, right? Like the goatee! That being said, Ryan wants his suit and metrosexual persona back.
See? See?! It's not just me:
David Foster: (referring to Kellie) What color is her hair?
Andrea: (laughs) Blonde...
Heh.
Kellie (Unchained Melody): Wow. There are no words in the English language. Just... WOW. And not in the good way. So, SO not in the good way. I have this strange, uncomfortable feeling in my chest... Oh, good lord, I think I almost feel sorry for you, Kellie. For reals! Hold on a sec... Yep, I have plumbed the depths of my bitter, cynical soul, and I do in fact actually feel sorry for the Pickler. I do. It's a strange, uncomfortable feeling, I tell you! I don't like it at ALL. Aaaaw... sweetie! You know how bad that was, doncha? And the dead, glassy eyes after that first horrendous note? Killer. Don't let the door smack you in the-- well, you know the rest.
Paris (The Way We Were): Okay, you have never actually seen The Way We Were, have you, girlfriend? Because if you had you would know how completely NOT age-appropriate that song was for you. Just sayin'. Still, you sang it very well, as usual-- no, seriously, well-done-- but Streisand? Babs just does it so beautifully, you see... And, hey! Why didn't the judges slam you for a picking a song WAAAAAY too big for you? Huh. Teacher's PET.
Taylor (Just Once): I love the voice. I don't know why (Soul Patrol! Woo!). I just really, really do. And I thought you did well, truly I did. But this genre? Not your forte. Stay away from it. Far, far-- oh my goodness, are you wearing VELVET?! Dude, are you insane? It's mid-APRIL, yo?
Uh-oh. How genuinely irritated did Simon look when Paula interrupted his talking time? Somebody's in troooooouuuuuuuubbbbble...
Hannah Mack: Uuuuuuh!
Cat: What? Do you hurt?
Hannah: Uuuh! Hurtlikeheck...
(*PAUSE*)
Chris (Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman): Oooh! Ooooh! I totally sprawl on my back when I practice singing, and I am not even lying. But, Chris, honey? Singing with your diaphragm is not in actuality a "new technique." Just sayin'. Well. Pimp machine in full force, I see. Not one, but two guitarists. How special. Whatev. Oh, my gosh! Yes! FINE! I've really loved a woman, okay?! GOSH! I don't understand why you are shouting at me, dude. Cut it out. Scariness unto you.
Overall, meh. I am losing interest here, I must admit. I know, right?! Sacrilege. But seriously, who would have thought that frakking Queen Night would overshadow all the others? Queen Night! Well it surprised the hell out of me, and that's a fact.
Kellie is totally going home, and I would have said that even if I didn't already know she got voted off. For reals. I would have!
(*off to FF through results show*)
10 Comments:
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Amy commented:
That dress was kinda great until the button popped, then it was a whole notha kinda entertainment.
- » 4/28/2006 7:17 PM
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Nilbo commented:
I almost became a lesbian, too. Not saying I did any kind of "slow-mo *quick pause* Ohhh, nice white panties" thing. Just sayin' - on behalf of male (and lesbian) America - "Thank you, Kat."
Kat was a'ight - not her stellar stuff for me, but a'ight. I get so weary of the judges and their "Take some risks - whoa! Don't take a risk!" bullshit. Yeah, she tried Whitney, but last time I looked, Whitney Houston was just a frigging singer, not a deity. You wanna deify someone, how about you start with la Streisand, not some one-album-in-the-eighties, "oops I'm a crack ho" washed up has-been? Mmmkay then.
Oh, and David Foster? Yeah, we'd like to check your ego at the fucking door, but we need valet parking for that sucker.
Elliot ... never ever warmed to him. Just don't think he's all that. He's fine, wouldn't heckle him on Karaoke night at the local pub ... but American Idol? Nah, buddy is cannon fodder.
Kellie: Did Andrea Bocelli do your hair, Kellie? Is that it? Is that why you came out looking like - oh, my GOD. Kellie is KRISTINE IN THE '80's. No wonder you never see them in the same room together.
Usually, when I hear this song, I have an odd urge to throw a pot with Demi Moore. But since Demi's currently dating fetuses (fetii?), and since Kellie sings it in a voice like a muppet on helium, I find my butt cheeks clenching and parts of me retreating into my body like I'd just jumped into the lake for the annual New Year's Day Polar Bear Dip.
Sorry, Kellie. It's a beloved song. You can apologize your way out of Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered, but no amount of "Whoopsie's" will rescue you from the sin of ruining a song we all got laid to.
Paris: See, I think with this particular song, you can't sing it unless we can be convinced that your memories of the "way we were" include something other than pyjama parties and trick-or=treating.
Plus which, please. Don't butcher the lyrics. Marvin Hamlisch did a half-decent job writing them, he doesn't need your 17-year-old editing skills. "What's TOO painful to remember ...", dear. That's why we choose to forget it. As we will choose to forget you in a few weeks, so sorry.
Taylor: I dunno. I really try to like the dude. Nice voice, nice guy, nice nice nice. Talk about damning with faint praise. He'll be a nice third place finisher. And we'll all feel ... good.
Chris: Buddy shows up, week after week, I'll give him that. Still looks like a penis with ears, to me. But good pipes. Top two with Kat? Yeah, I'd say that's about right.
Goodbye, Kellie. I will miss you in your red dress, even though it was the virginal Kat who shot us the kootch.- » 4/28/2006 8:01 PM
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Cat commented:
Oh, Kristine! BURN. I'd totally take a poke at Nilbo if I were you. And that totally didn't come out right, did it?
- » 4/28/2006 9:10 PM
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Random and Odd commented:
OH HELL NO HE DID NOT!
Nilbo said: "but no amount of "Whoopsie's" will rescue you from the sin of ruining a song we all got laid to."
Um, Nilbo...some of us were in diapers when that song was a hit...and a song people were whoo-hooing to.
and my hair in the 80's was WAY bigger than that!
UP THE PRESCRIPTION ON THE GLASSES!!
Chris a penis? BRING IT ON BABY!!
(Nilbo didn't just pick a 'CAT' fight with me...did he?)- » 4/28/2006 9:41 PM
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Random and Odd commented:
and because everyone is getting attacked by trolls...please note that I LOVE NILBO...and this is a fake fight. Nobody start picking sides and getting ugly....unless of course you all strip down and grab a pillow.
Oh wait, that was Nilbo's line.- » 4/28/2006 9:43 PM
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Nilbo commented:
Well, lessee : to start, "Ghost" was released in the late 80's ... and that song went through a resurgence ... so, I wanna know why Kristine was wearing diapers in the 80's.
Did big hair lead to incontinence? Or was it something more ... how shall we say ... in the way of an alternative life style?
... and you want Chris to bring his penis on to you? Do I have that right? Kinda like a dog chasing a car - if you caught it, would you know what to do with it?
And yes, for the benefit of all the trolls, this is a fake fight. Because Kristine - like virtually every other woman on the internet - adores me.
I tell ya ... if the internet were real life, I'd never go without sex. Sometimes even with other people.- » 4/28/2006 10:27 PM
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Cat commented:
(FAKE) Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!...
- » 4/28/2006 10:50 PM
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Ern commented:
Hearing Andrea Bocelli sing during the results show really shows how cartoonish and talentless all the contestants are. Sorry, but it's true. The show didn't make me almost a lesbian, it made me want to make babies with blind opera singers.
- » 4/29/2006 12:46 AM
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Drama Mama commented:
Ok...I'm bi..I got a little tingle with chris and kat. mmm... just yummy. I like kellie but damn she fucked that up.
- » 4/30/2006 10:34 AM
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dashababy commented:
This is better than the actual show, people, fake fight or not.
Maybe it's the music they picked this last week, I dunno. I'm getting a little bored with the show myself. Although, I'm not a lesbian I thought Kats' boobs looked great. I.LOVE.HER.HAIR!!
I was cracking up along with Simon as Paula was crying, OMG, Elliot's just ok, not spectacular, not worth crying over, he just sounds the same all the time to me.
I am going to miss Kellie even tho I know she wasn't going to win. I did feel bad for her too but Paris, blegh!!!
Chris, SIMMAH down buddy, we know you can sing loud and all that but sometimes, just chill a little. I like him but no pee tingles for me.- » 5/01/2006 12:43 PM