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Desperate Working Mommas
Your one-stop site for fanatical television snarking, questionable political analysis, occasional attempts to address the parenting issues facing working mothers, and halfhearted promises to stop obsessing about the entertainment industry, already! Oh, not to mention the random bitching and moaning. There's always that.
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
If you want my body, and you think I'm sexy...

Rod Stewart? Oh boy. Rod's a hugger! Who knew?!

Smooth songs? Oh boy. You mean no one's going to sing "Do You Think I'm Sexy?"?! Man, what a gyp.

An argyle tie? Oh boy. Ryan, you are making this TOO EASY.

Well my, my, my, don't Paula and her boobs look very nice this evening?!

Rod Stewart's baby is just the cutest little thing evah!

Um, Rod Stewart is apparently self-medicating. Popping happy pills. Doing speed. Hopped up on goofballs, if you will. Drugs. Just Say No, people.

Chris (What a Wonderful World): Hmmm... "a vocal push." Yeah, I have no idea what Rod Stewart is talking about. Hey! Didn't Elvis sing this? And, seriously, dawg, you seem kind of angry that it's a wonderful world. Why? Is it because you are all rock and this song is... not? Is it about your manhood? Because of the vest and all? And the make-up? I'm not feeling the rolled shirtsleeves, but I do like the vest dude, it's very snaz... zzzzzzzzzz, snort zzzzzzzzzzz... I'm awake!... but bored now.

Paris (Foolish Things): Dude, you kicked ass last week, girlfriend, I am SO not kidding. I mean The Show Must Go On?! Wow, you rocked it, baby girl. Even better than Satine in Moulin Rouge! Yes. It was that good. Oooh, hey, I'm impressed. Looking good tonight! Hair under control? Check. Unfortunate, so not flattering, potentially malfunctioning Janet Jacksonesque wardrobe gone? Check. Okay, wait. How the hell is this song Rod Stewart? This song is NOT Rod Stewart. Rod Stewart sings about being sexy and shizz. Yes, Perfect vocals. Whatever. Unnaturally mature for age. Got it. BORED NOW.

I think it is quite possible Simon is intoxicated. Best performance? Hello?! The Show Must Go On, people! THE SHOW! MUST! GO-- Oooooh, goody! Taylor's next! Woo! Soul Patrol! Soul Patrol!

Rod Stewart is BLEEPed. That's friggin' awesome. And he dissed Simon? Rock on, Rod Stewart. Rock on.

Taylor (You Send Me): I sure like you, Taylor. You make me happy. Not in my pants or anything, but still... so, so happy! You, you, you, thrill me, honest, you totally do. Oh! Spaz it, baby! Spaz it GOOD! Yeah! Woo! Soul Patrol! Soul Patrol in the HIZZOUSE! Way to keep it real, dawg! That was hawt. Seriously. I want to meet you and sing and dance with you. And quite possibly take in a movie with you. And you could teach me some of your spazzy dance moves, and I could teach you to Snake. And Axl Rose, if you're a quick learn. Think about it. (Call me.)

Elliott (It Had to be You): Elliott's momma was a professional singer? Ah-haaaaaaa... It's all coming together for me now. Oh lordy. This song has all the emotional resonance of Kevin Federline's PopoZoa. And that outfit? Is just... well, it's unfortunate is the thing. Never half-ass the outfit, dude! It is never a good sartorial choice to be a dress party on top, but a casual Friday on the bottom. They do not mesh, you see. Pan-down nightmare. You're stressing out the cameramen, okay? Pick one! Wait. I swear they are slowly capping your teeth with veneers, admit it, don't lie, because they are suspiciously straighter every week. Is it just me? Is it? I think I'm going crazy. Oh, and bored now. Oh so bored now. Boooooooring.

Dude, Elliott is actually wee-er than my wee Ry-Ry?! Because that? Is, like, SUPER wee. Weetastical!

Kellie (Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered): Please stop with the airhead stuff. Please? Pretty please with sugar and a big old juicy cherry on top? Uh-oh. By the way Simon is crying and banging his head on the table, over and over and over, I'm thinking things are looking grim for Miss LuAnne "Ah'm Sorry!" McFakesalot. Who, I must admit, looks quite beautiful this evening. The rough crack 'ho vibe from last week was fun, but I think it would have been a little much for this genre. Hey. Maybe they'll give you a side of beef as a bon voyage gift after that craptastical butchering of Rod Stewart's song. That'd be cool. Baby back ribs. Mmmm.

Ace (That's All): AAAAAAEEEEEEEIIIIIII!!! Good God! Oh, phew, it's just Ace. With... a ponytail. Oh, my heart... Wow, that just killed The Pretty dead, now didn't it? Killed it good. Why, Ace? Why would you mess with The Hair? Thousands of card-carrying "I [heart] Ace" fan girls are crying themselves to sleep tonight, I tell you what. But you were actually pretty damn good, the Ace Segal-slash-Gay Mafia vibe notwithstanding, so it's actually sort of tragic that you chose to go all Felicity on our asses. At least they didn't try to submarine you again with a clip of the guest artist totally smacking you down (what was THAT all about last week?!). Kudos. But you are still so gone, unless the miniscule fissure caused by Elliott's lackluster performance allows you and your ponytail to slip through... Hee. Fissure. Does anyone else think "anal fissure" when you hear the word fissure? Anal! Hee! No? Oh, me neither. Because that would be weird.

Ace's head is WAY bigger than Ryan's. No, literally. I'm scared... Hold me.

Kat (Someone to Watch Over Me): Speechless... Me... No words... 'Sha, right. As if. Seriously, I couldn't even type that with a straight face! Good golly, Miss Molly, that was LOVELY. Luminescent. Resplendent. Sublime. Superb. Kudos. You got the pimp spot tonight, and lordy, how you did deserve it. I felt that performance. Honestly. You nailed it. Nailed it good and proper, and by God, you even wore an attractive, totally not ugly outfit! And the hair? Perfect? I love you. I do. You are my super special secret Girl Crush. Oh, but Kat? Rod Stewart totally wants you, you know. And you guys were so frickin' cute together, with the joking and the dancing and Rod's longing glances... But hey, Rod's wife is in the house, so watch your back, that's all I'm saying. And what a fine back it is. Ahem.

Taylor and Kat were the only even remotely interesting performance of the evening, in my opinion (and possibly Paris if that song wouldn't have been so... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...). So who will go home? Well, my batting average ain't stellar, that's fo sho, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say... Ace. No, Elliott! No, Ace! And Kellie will be in the bottom three, but will survive due to the "Ah'm Sorry!" Pity Vote. Suckers.

Oooh! Time for Veronica Mars now! Huzzah! On Tuesdays at 9 ET now! Encore presentation on Wednesdays at 9 ET. On UPN!

Cat... out.

link | posted by Cat at 11:11 AM

Blogger Nilbo commented:

Ahh, finally.

Tuned in late, so I missed Chris and Paris AND Taylor, dammit. But from what I gathered in the highlight reel, they were .. fine.

Taylor is just trying a leetle hard for me. Dude, you're not young. It's OK. Quit being so damn wacky and just sing, wouldja?

I kinda like Chris, although I'm not much for shaved head guys. (My favourite quote on the subject: "Want to know if you will look good with a shaved head? Look in a mirror and ask yourself the following questions: 1. Am I Michael Jordan? 2. Am I Ed Harris? If the answer to either of these questions is "No", you will not look good with a shaved head. You will look like roll-on deodorant.")

That said, he did just fine with the Louis Armstrong "Wonderful World". The choice is a bit hackneyed, but whatever. Good enough to be safe, not good enough to win new fans.

Paris - Looked ... OK. Not feeling the style, especially not on a 17 year old. I'd say the reverse to her that I'd say to Taylor: "Girl, you're not old. I know Simon doesn't like young'uns, but he doesn't vote, so forget him and just be young."

That said, she's really not gonna win this whole thing - she's around to stretch the season out.

Elliot - Yeah, I'm with Cat on the fashion. Train wreck. Acceptable rendition of a classic song. Might keep you out of last place, for now. But don't buy green bananas, if you catch my drift.

Kellie - well, first of all, the look? Utterly perfect. Like jump through my TV screen, wowza, eyeballs-on-springs, cartoon- tongue-on-the-floor perfect. What is she, a size 0? Women are entitled to hate her for that alone. Men are entitled to want her around, if only as an antidote for the boys, who are ... well, let's just say they all fell out the ugly tree and whapped a few branches on the way down.

The song? Well, B, B, &B has survived for more than 70 years because it resists being butchered TOO badly. I mean, if it can survive Rod Stewart and his tendency to suck the soul and emotion out of any song he's ever glommed onto (including all the classics being performed tonight, none of them "his"), it can survive anything - including Kellie Pickler. But you know, I didn't think she was too too bad. She started off fine - in fact, fairly impressively. I didn't hear the "pitchy" that Randy did - but I think "pitchy" is what Randy says when he really means "Something happened in there that didn't sound right". What she did tromp all over was the tempo, which ... happens, I guess. She knew she did it, and copped to it, and apologized to the damn song (proper thing) ... so ... I dunno if it's worth sending her home over. Not gonna make or break my week either way.

Ace: yeah, I wanted him off my screen when he was a pretty little boy. Now that he's " ...the youngest, gayest hitman in history" (tm Jacob, one of my fave TWoP recappers), my disdain for him has only grown. Please. Get. Him. Gone.

And Kat: well ... we see now what I've said all along - Simon really does tell the truth. Yeah, he brings the nasty and the snark. But damn, he knows. She really does make everyone else look like karaoke night at your local bar.

Bottom three: Elliot, Gayce, and Paris (not on merit - this is America voting). Gonzo: Gayce. And not a moment too soon.

Oh, and I want my props for this prediction a week BEFORE the Queen show: "Ten bucks says Taylor jumps all over "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" - he'd be - well, crazy not to."

» 4/19/2006 1:52 PM 
Blogger Odd Mix commented:

You are too funny, Cat. And I will be making use of that new line next month to TiVo at least one episode of VM.

» 4/19/2006 2:07 PM 
Blogger dashababy commented:

Paula looked as if she might spill onto the stage.
I think it will be Elliot to go tonight.
Ace will skate by one more week on his looks although the hair scared me too. I was so distracted by it that I didn't even hear him singing at all. I totally thought it was a man-bun. Ya-uck.
I'm in full agreement with Nilbo on the bottome 3. Gayce. Hahaha! Good one.

» 4/19/2006 2:23 PM 
Blogger Mandy commented:

I always wait for your American Idol recaps! I love reading them! Mine are up, under the WBW post. We agree and disagree!! Kellie made my ears bleed. Literally, blood running down my face.
And wee little Seacrest...what will we do with him?

» 4/19/2006 2:24 PM 
Blogger Well-heeled mom commented:

I was disappointed that they didn't sing Rod songs. Where the hell was Maggie Mae? Okay, I disagree with nilbo. Kellie was totally pitchy. But she gets props for Gayce. That's hilarious!

» 4/19/2006 2:55 PM 
Blogger Cat commented:

nilbo: You? = hilarious. No, seriously. (Gayce is GOLDEN!) Who were you quoting with regards to the shaving of the head? I laughed out loud at that one. And honestly, I can't help it, I just loves me some Taylor and trust me, I loathed him right at first. With the "woo!' and shizz? But now, I hope he hits Top Three.

odd mix: I aim to please! Thanks.

dashababy: Ick! The man bun! Channeling K-Fed! What next?! A wife beater and manpris? Noooooooo!

mandy: Thanks! At least we DO agree on Kellie, right? There's always Kellie...

well-heeled mom: Oh, Kellie SLAUGHTERED the song, no doubt, but she looked pretty doing it, so she will stay. Argh. Damn her. (Oh, and Nilbo has BOY parts, if you know what I'm sayin'...) ;)

» 4/19/2006 3:07 PM 
Blogger Nilbo commented:

The quote is from Miss Alli, my absolute favourite TWoP recapper. It came from Season one of The Amazing Race.

I watch TV shows just because she recaps them - she's that funny.

Gayce, however, is mine all mine. But I share - feel free.

» 4/19/2006 3:18 PM 
Blogger mrtl commented:

smooches, Catster - Awesome as usual. Sorry about Ace. Mister mrtl thought he looked like a cross between John Travolta in Pulp Fiction and ... damn - I forgot. I'll ask him later.

» 4/21/2006 12:07 AM 

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