Di kept me on the phone for almost three hours! Di kept me on the phone for almost three hours! It's HER fault this is late! Blame DIIIIIII! (Hey, Di! 'Sup? Hugs!)
One song from the Billboard Charts? One song from the year of their birth? Oh, lordy, here we go...
Elliott: Since all I could hear was TGIM yelling from the next room, "Ack! GAH! Who is THAT?! And what is up with the goat b-a-a-a-a-a-a- thing he's got going on?" I cannot in good conscience comment on this song selection. But I'm pretty sure it didn't do a thing for me. And Home? Second verse, same as the first!...
Okay, here's the thing, Elliott. I want to like you. Really, I do. And yes, I recognize that you have a fairly decent singing voice (minus the grating vi-braaaaaa-to, of course), and your teeth are way better now and you're kind of endearing in your Mr. Tumnusy way. But honestly. I just don't like your music choices, dawg. The songs you choose? They suck. And I'm not just saying that because I never know any of them. Fine. It's because I never know any of them. But even if I did know them, I'd probably still think they sucked. I'm just saying. Suckiness unto you. Why do you make it so hard for me to like you, Elliott? Why you gotta be like that? Huh? Why? Whatever. Nice suit!
OMG. Is that Kelly singing a frickin' Ford commercial? Hey! Guys! It's Kelly! Hi, Kelly! *waves* I [heart] Kelly. Even if she IS a sell-out. (I mean, FORD?!)
Paris: Kiss? Oh, no, no, no you D'INT. Um, Princess P.? If there is one thing I do know with every fiber of my being, it is this... nobody-- and by nobody I mean NOBODY-- can sing Prince like Prince. Or, should I say like The Artist Formerly Known As Prince Who Is Now Prince Again? Okay, SO not important right now, so moving on... And to add insult to egregious injury, you didn't even do the kissies! "I just want your extra time, and your-- mwah-mwah-mwah-mwah-MWAH-- kiss." Come on! That's like sacrilege, GOSH. The song is called Kiss for a reason, yo? And you... didn't! Kiss, that is. I mean, honestly. That? Was a disaster. However, the shoes were fabulous! [/Paula's voice] But one word of advice: gauchos are not made for the short and squatty. Those funky silver gauchos did you absolutely no favors, that's all I'm sayin. Note it. Please.
Wait. What? There was a second song? Huh. I must have missed it because I can't even look at you right now, Paris. I mean, KISS?! What were you thinking?! (And stop saying "Thank yeeew!" after the judges insult you! It's just WEIRD.)
Tayor: Oh, Taylor, I knew you were going to cut loose tonight. Because me? I'm in the know! I know that you are sick and tired of being oppressed by The Man! The AI Machine has been squashing the spaz and the WOO! (Soul Patrol!), the dirty bastards, and they keep fiddling with your song choices at the last minute. You've been a mere shell of your former Soul Patrol (Woo!) self, but no more! You PLAYED that funky music, White Boy! That was the first time I enjoyed your performance in WEEKS. Sure, you tend to begin all your moves from the fetal position, but it works for you, so who am I to judge? I could teach you to Snake, though. Change things up a bit. I'm just saying. Anyhoos, when you collapsed to the floor, I was all, "Taylor is BACK, baby!" And then I giggled and went, "Woo!" Because I'm a nerd?
Oh, and the Beatles song was nice, too. Seriously. Well-done. (Woo! Soul Patrol! SOUL PATROL!)
Kat: Oh, Katharine, you dirty, dirty girl. Now, Scott Savol completely ruined Against All Odds for me-- which is too bad as I used to really love it-- so I have repressed your first performance and will therefore not be discussing it because it totally never happened, so let's just talk about that second performance, shall we? I admit I didn't know that song at all (Black Horse and a Cherry Tree?)... but I LIKED IT! Snap, girlfriend, that rocked the hizzouse! That was by far one of the best songs you have put down to date, and there were no distracting wardrobe malfunctions to color my judgment, either!... Hmm... Oh, what? Yes, focusing! It was sexy without being completely trampy, and the bouncing and interacting with the drummers was a perfect touch, albeit a little strange and, um, suggestive. It just worked. You know, because of The Bouncy? Pickler may be gone, but she left her knee-dancing legacy to you. Bear it well, my pretty, pretty, sexy friend. Bear it well.
CHRIS!: HEEEEEEEEYYY CHRIIIIIIIIIIIIIS! STOOOOOP YEEEELLLLLLLLIIIIIINGGG
AAAT MEEEEEEEE! AIGIGIHGHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIGH! That being shouted, Renegade was all right. Darn good, even. Same old boring rocker shtick, and your voice sometimes sounds like mine does when I sing into an oscillating fan (What? Like you guys never do that?!), but good nonetheless. But the second song? You know, the loud, angry, screamy one? Left me cold, dawg. Possibly because I couldn't understand a word, but more specifically because I was in constant dread of one of those bulging purple veins in your neck totally erupting all Scanners-like (am I dating myself?) and spewing blood and gore all over the judges and audience. Because... ew? Randy would be all, "DAWG!" and Paula would be like, "Chris! You touched me... right here... no, seriously, there's blood right here. Wardrobe? WARDROBE?!" And Simon would be like, "Well, this is simply ghastly. Thank GOD I'm wearing a black shirt." And Ryan would be all, "No, YOU'RE gay!" So, really, that's all I have to say about the second song. Sorry. I'll try to do better next time, pinky promise. Now smile, damn it. SMILE.
So, I'm thinking Paris will be the bootee tonight. But what do I know? America votes CRAZY-LIKE, y'all. CRAZY.
9 Comments:
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Charlotte in Pa commented:
Cat!! "Black Horse and a Cherry Tree" is by KT Tunstall... the CD is "Eye to the Telescope." Download it immediately. It's your civic duty.
PS - Elliott IS "Mr. Tumnusy". That part cracked me up! Of course, the fact that you've found an appropriate nickname for him means he's gone tonight... :-)- » 5/03/2006 6:19 PM
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Odd Mix commented:
Ford?!?!?! Ford ROCKS!
- » 5/03/2006 7:00 PM
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Nilbo commented:
Just so I don't look like a past-poster ... I'm calling Paris and Elliot bottom two with Paris saying s'long.
- » 5/03/2006 7:06 PM
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Natalie Gordon commented:
I am laughing for all the usual reasons, and also because I keep picturing you singing into the fan (ala Chris Farley).
BTW, there was a woman that looked JUST like you in the Idol audience last night, and they panned over her right after Kat sang her second song. I was SO hoping it was you. 'Cause you deserve it, SuperFan!- » 5/03/2006 7:49 PM
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Well-heeled mom commented:
Okay thanks for calling Elliot on the baaaaing cause it was bugging me. Is he from Wyoming? Oh, and Ford. Yeah, Ford so sucks.
- » 5/03/2006 7:52 PM
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Cat commented:
YES!
*fist pump*
I am good. GOOD.- » 5/03/2006 8:05 PM
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Nilbo commented:
OK ... so ...
Elliot: I cringed a bit when he came out to the strains of "On Broadway", but then I figured "Meh, it's OK .. it won't be great but he's so utterly forgettable that it won't affect my love of the song." And sure enough, I could barely remember what he'd done by the time the judges were done with him. Thank God Paula was able to keep her composure this time.
Second song ...? He did a second song? Oh, OK.
Paris: The Prince song was OK. And that's my problem with Paris .. always with the "OK". She's just ... "fine" I can't get worked up enough about her to even get annoyed (providing she's singing and not talking. Christ, when she talks, cocker spaniels pray for deafness.) Put this litttle girl out of her misery, please. Seriously - no 17 year old should have to wear stuff like those silver capri pants.
Taylor: I don't buy him. I just think he's fundamentally false. I don't believe he's a "zany" as he is in the "Play That Funky Music" gyrations. I get that he wants us to believe it, but .. yeah, I'm with Simon. Taylor looks like a drunk uncle who slipped and extra $35 to the band at the wedding. Decent voice, but the American Idol? Nah. Look for him headlining at the TikiTiki Room in the Airport Ramada.
And can somebody explain to me how if Kat sings a Whitney Houston song, she's saying "I'm as good as Whitney" but Taylor can do a Beatles' song ... and he's not making a statement?
Incidently why am I pretty damn sure that's not the first time Ryan has been in that exact position with a man?
Kat: Hiccup on the first song. Outright bit the big one. Bad girl. And I dont care what Paula says (well, ever) (and God, doesn't your heart sink when the first thing she does is tell you how good you look because that's her code for "Even to me, and I'm drunk/wired/whatever, you sounded like shit"), in fact, that brown dress looked like a sausage skin, and Kat, that made you the mystery meat.
Second song - redemption. Pure and simple. Girl has the goods.
Chris: Yelling bald man. I'm sorry. Can't get past it. Stop screaming at me, you scary bad man. I have no money.
Wednesday:
I hate the pimpmercials, and refuse to acknowledge them.
I also hate Ryan's lame efforts to inject suspense where thinking people know none exists. Come on, it's Elliot and Paris, who are we kidding, Ryan?
God, poor Kat, I just want to roll her up in my arms and tell her that it's OK, they're just fucking with us, you're safe, dear, it's fine, do you like that? Yeah, me too ... and what about when I do this ...? Yeah, you like that, don't you? And this? Oh, yes, you love that you little ...
... I'm sorry, I got a little distracted.
Now, where were we? Oh, right, Kat's safe. But only because she's 6000 miles away from me.
Anyway, it's Elliot and Paris, and really, it's Paris, because she's been cannon fodder for too many weeks. Put her down, lose Elliot next week, then Taylor goes and it's Chris versus Kat.
But I'm getting ahead of things, aren;t I ...?- » 5/03/2006 9:40 PM
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Cat commented:
Nilbo, as usual, you rock my world with your AI insight... *bows*
And Charlotte, thanks for the recommendation! I've downloaded that song, plus Other Side of the World and Suddenly I See.
odd mix, I absolutely do not dispute the Ford rockage. I was referring to the fact that Kelly Clarkson is hawking Ford (doing commercials) when she has a successful music career and is no longer bound to the AI machine (I think)... I didn't make that clear. My apologies to Mr. Ford.
Honestly, well-heeled mom! How is it that no one (*coughSimoncough*) is commenting on this?!
A life? You and me, both mandy! Stupid AI.
natgo, seriously? Chris Farley does (er, did) the fan thing, too? AWESOME. OH! The Darth Vader thing! That's right! Hoo! Funny dude... Okay, now I'm depressed.- » 5/04/2006 6:29 AM
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Odd Mix commented:
Thank you, Cat, for resoring my faith in your automotive sensibilities. And I hear you ont the commercial thing.
Please, would you come see my new idea for a challenge?- » 5/04/2006 7:20 AM