I always thought there was nothing that could even remotely come close to the excruciating agony and frustration inherent in the act of attempting to get medicine down a reluctant child's throat. YOU know: the begging, the bribing, the loud talking, the nose plugging, the crying and screaming, the prying open of tightly pursed lips, the tackling and holding down of a screeching child, the sticky, gooey mess getting everywhere but in the child's mouth, the dry-heaving and gagging... Are you familiar with the drill?
A close second would, of course, be the sliver removal process, with loose-tooth removal trailing in at a distant third. (No, really. My kids totally FREAK when TGIM pulls out the plyers. I know, right?! Weird.)
Well, apparently the newly introduced wart-be-gone process has surpassed expectations and superceded all of the above, skyrocketing to the top of the list of Things I SO Would Rather Not Do But Must Because I Am The Momma. You see, my youngest-- a robust six-year-old drama queen-- has a wart. An icky, cauliflowery, growing-bigger-every-day wart right on her cute little wrist. I won't lie to you: it's not pretty, y'all. She absolutely did not get that from MY side of the family! (*cough* TGIM! *cough*) Okay, I am totally lying. It is a distinct possibility that I had a wart once. Maybe twice. I don't know. It's all so hazy now... But I DO remember the cool medicine! That stuff was RAD!
(Although it makes for good dinner party conversation, I didn't feel it was necessary to bring up the time my sister Jenny discovered a wart on her hand, and growing impatient with the wart-be-gone medicating process, ripped that sucker off with tweezers! Oh, ho, HO! Yes she DID! I thought it might be a little much, you know? Hey now, stop with the gagging, I SAID I didn't tell her! Geez.)
So I told my daughter how when I was a little girl I applied this super neat liquid mediciney stuff to my wart and it bubbled up and turned a pretty, creamy, whitish color, and peeled off another layer of the wart every time I applied it, and didn't that sound cool and totally painless and like something that she absolutely should not freak out about because it was going to be fun?! And painless?! And completely non-freak-out worthy?!
Then TGIM came into the picture. Dear, sweet, naive TGIM. He brought home the medicine and very calmly explained to my suspicious six-year-old drama queen that the wart medicine was Compound W (Equate brand-- shop the sale!-- but why get into that with a child?), which is a form of salicylic acid. Then, in a move unfathomable even to me, he proceeded to expound upon the subject of acids: the definition of acid, the many merits of acid, how there are many varied types and levels of acid, how acid can be used to burn, dissolve, or eat away at things, and how "Wow! Did you know even orange juice has acid in it?!"
Okay. Not only will my children not be drinking orange juice any time in the foreseeable future, but I'm pretty sure the only other part of TGIM's lecture my daughter fully grasped was the "burn, dissolve, and eat away at things" part because when TGIM whipped out that bottle of special liquid mediciney stuff to begin the wart-be-gone process? ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE.
There was begging and bribing and loud talking and screaming and kicking and crying and struggling and tackling and holding down. (Due to my tenacity and superior wrestling skillz, I am the holder-downer in the family.) At this point TGIM pulled out the dropper and the medicine was finally dripped onto that stupid little wart. One drip... Two drips... a lull in the madness... then--
Good lord that child can yell.
Cries of "It burns! It BURNS! IT BUUUUURRRRNNNSSSS!!!"echoed through the house. My other two children looked on in wide-eyed horror, likely thinking, Note to self: Never EVER tell Momma and Dad if I find a wart anywhere on my body. Never ever! Never EVER!
So there I was holding my cutie-pie's arm steady so she wouldn't do something foolish like, I don't know, take a swing at me or try to wipe the medicine off or something, and TGIM was busy blowing on the medicine in a valiant attempt to help it bubble and dry faster, and I kept asking, "Are you sure it's burning? Like, stinging burning or really burning? REALLY burning? Because I don't remember it ever burning... Are you SURE it's burning?" which is of course not so much with the comforting, but really. I don't remember it burning.
Then she changed tacks and started in with, "It's touching my SKIN! It's touching my SKIN!" and I realized that she thought it was going to burn her skin, and I was all, "Dude! You got it on her SKIN?!" which again? Not so much with the comforting. I may have exacerbated the situation a bit. Perhaps. So TGIM ran to get some tissue while I hugged and tried to comfort my wailing baby girl, and then it happened.
"I WANT TO GO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOME!" my panic-stricken daughter cried out at the top of her lungs.
Have you ever had a moment, just a split second, when time seemed to stop? Like, an utter silence, crickets chirping, time freeze sort of thing? Because y'all? This was one of those moments. No crying, no speaking, NO MOVING. Just dropped jaws. And, it being evening and all, I am pretty sure I heard actual crickets chirping.
Then the moment was over. Time resumed its natural course.
I stopped rubbing my daugher's back and fell away from her a bit to stare her in the face incredulously. "You 'want to go home'?" I asked as everyone erupted into giggles around me. "You 'want to go HOME'?!"
She couldn't help it. Her tear-soaked face broke into a smile as she burst out laughing. TGIM grinned and went into action, coming over to wipe away the medicine that had seeped off the wart onto her delicate skin, while every so often her brother or sister would mock-wail "I want to go home!" and they would all begin giggling again.
Honestly. What a drama queen. My silly little six-year-old drama queen. And guess what is the best part of all this?! Just GUESS!
That's right, y'all. We get to do the wart-be-gone process all over again tonight. Yeppers.
What I wouldn't give to be medicating a good, solid case of sore throat with cough due to cold about now.
Just so you know, The Compound W was not working for me so - Yep, I tore the wart right off and then dug in there and found the seed and tore that out too... and you know what? That dang wart never grew back! I would not however recommend this process for your children... jen
- » 10/21/2005 9:21 AM
Not as gross as the story dad always told about the guy who took his own tonsils out with a spoon... Ewwww!!!! Remember that one???? jen
- » 10/21/2005 9:23 AM
- Cat commented:
EWWWWW! STOP! And hee. That was seriously the grossest thing, you digging that wart out with tweezers. I still shudder when I think about it...
- » 10/21/2005 9:25 AM
- LadyBug commented:
Wait a minute. Warts have SEEDS? So...what? Do you plant it, and grow a wart TREE, or what?
(P.S. I am NOT blog-surfing right now. I am busily making my way through the humongous pile of paperwork on my desk.)
Word verification: aoctuu
I think that's what you should name your daughter's wart. (What? It sounds like a wart name to me.)
- » 10/21/2005 9:50 AM
- Cat commented:
Ladybug, I think they were more like STRANDS of wart... Either way? EW!
I like the naming of the wart idea. Ooooh! Word verification: lcogmik (I bet the L is silent!)
- » 10/21/2005 10:28 AM
- WILLIAM commented:
Tell her to bite it off.
As far as naming the wart, she may become attached to it.
Also didn't the Phantom of the opera become scarred because of copmound W to his face?
- » 10/21/2005 11:17 AM
- mrtl commented:
I laugh because I have yet to reach this kind of dilemma. So far the worst for me has been snorking out boogers with the booger snorker.
Did anyone yell "Kelly Clarkson!"?
- » 10/21/2005 11:25 AM
- Circus Kelli commented:
Oh my... I seriously had no idea warts had SEEDS. Eww!
I'm sorry that your little drama queen had to go through that, Cat. I can totally understand what you went through. Punkin is skittish about ANYTHING like that -- eyedrops, slivers, cuts, trimming her fingernails. Our latest adventure is with Sweet Pea, though -- she has to wear a patch over one eye to strengthen the other eye. It's only for about three hours a day, but man, you'd think we were torturing her.
Ladybug -- Hello! Good luck with the humongous pile of work. Aoctuu isn't a wart name, it's more of the sound you make when you sneeze. ;)
William -- Oh, now that is FUNNY!
Mrtl -- We used to call it a booger sucker, but you're right, it's totally more of a snorker.
- » 10/21/2005 11:43 AM
- Cat commented:
OMG, CK, guess what? My little drama queen wears an eye patch, too! It's very cool and slips right on her glasses to cover the lens. As if she didn't already feel self-conscious enough about the (I think) stylin' glasses she has to wear...
Word verification: gsjbiol
Now there's a name for a wart, I tell you what!
- » 10/21/2005 11:52 AM
- Nessa commented:
I had to take to the peeling it off with tweezers and getting to the seed (isn't that why they call them plantar's warts?) - anyway, don't they have that new freeze off thing you can buy? You watch TV - I'm sure you've seen it....dr. office turns into mom's kitchen and she applies it and ZING - all gone!!
- » 10/21/2005 12:05 PM
- Nessa commented:
- » 10/21/2005 12:06 PM
- Cat commented:
Thanks SillyN, I am totally going to check that out. HEY! I wonder if that works on moles, too?! I bet it does! I am so going to freeze off the mole on my arm that has been driving me crazy but my stupid HMO keeps shuffling me from doctor to doctor, paying copay after copay, only to finally tell me they won't pay to have removed because it is "cosmetic." Bastards. I'm from ARIZONA! It's probably CANCER! GOSH!
Word verification: lnewt
What is UP with all the silent L's today?
- » 10/21/2005 12:54 PM
- Cat commented:
Oh, yeah, and "Tell her to bite it off"??!!
William, only if you're gonna pay for this little girl's therapy.
- » 10/21/2005 12:56 PM
- Mike commented:
We were going to try that freeze off stuff on one of my son's warts but after reading all of the warnings on the box, it scared the crap out of us. If I didn't know better, I'd say that stuff was originally meant as some kind of bio-hazard, chemical warfare secret weapon before someone realized it also removed warts.
- » 10/21/2005 2:01 PM
- mrtl commented:
I totally blocked out the pink eye drops.
Where's a table to rock under?
- » 10/21/2005 2:49 PM
- Ern commented:
The freeze-off stuff actually stings, but the salicylic acid doesn't. She was just being dramatic. :) And when you use the freeze-off, it makes a blister. So the layer-by-layer might be the way to go. Also, a wart is actually caused by a virus, so the "seed" is actually the root of the infection.
My 10 year old self is totally rolling her eyes at me right now.
kweit the wart?
- » 10/21/2005 4:44 PM
- Amy commented:
This should SO be published in a Parenting Magazine. From start to finish, excellently said.
But why oh why did you have to say 'cauliflower' in reference to the wart? It is too graphic for me.
Hope tonight went better.
My word ver is kdafru. I like it. Ka-da-fru you, Wart!
- » 10/21/2005 6:37 PM
- kalki commented:
I am totally snorking right now! But not boogers. EEW.
Ern, I am loving your expertise. You go, girl.
("Aawbjjhw!" Sounds like what one might say as they rip off a wart with tweezers.)
- » 10/21/2005 6:50 PM
- Michele in Michigan commented:
There is a totally painless, chemical-free way to remove warts--DUCT TAPE!
We have used this in the past on regular & plantar warts. Works like a charm. You only need enough tape to cover the wart.
My friend recently used it to remove a honking big one from her 9yo daughter's finger. Her kid liked being able to treat it on her own--she'd apply & remove the tape & use an emery board on it. It only took a couple of weeks in her case. The thing fell off one day & that was it.
- » 10/23/2005 7:28 AM
- Cat commented:
Man. Duct tape does EVERYTHING.
Good tip! Thanks!
- » 10/23/2005 12:10 PM
- Random and Odd commented:
I wish you would come to my house and just tell me stories all day long.
Kara will watch Veronica with you.
- » 10/24/2005 10:22 AM