My mother has big boobs. No, really. We're talking ha-YUGE! So not kidding! When I was a little girl, I used to sit around just staring at them, thinking, "Woo-hoo! Squooshy!" As I got older I had more of an "Oh my LORD, how will I carry those suckers around?" reaction to them, but as luck would have it, when fate Bob Barkered the old genetic wheel, I did not win the double D grand prize package, worth a whopping FOUR YEARS of assured high school popularity with the boys. Nope. I stayed just as flat as God made me.
For the most part, I was fine with my lot (or lack) in life. I had grown up listening to my mother joke that she could not run or jump around for exercise because she would either give herself two black eyes or just knock herself unconscious, so I awaited the advent of my Monstrous Breast with trepidation. But in a quirky twist of fate, none of my mother's daughters inherited The Boobs. Now I can't speak for my sisters, but despite the social pressures to acquire cleavage through any means necessary, I personally breathed a sigh of relief. I was pretty athletic and as a gymnast and cheerleader I did a lot of flipping around. Obviously a bigger rack may have made that... oh, let's say "uncomfortable." So no biggie! Or, uh, smallie, as the case may be.
Now, admittedly, there have been approximately three times in my life when I did get a little bustier, a tad more mammiferous, if you will. Oh, yes I DID. Of course, each instance of my newfound boobaliciousness came with a kid attached, but hey! What women won't do for bigger boobs, eh?! Those things are POWER!
Whatever. All I know is that my shirts were suddenly too tight in the bust and when I tried to exercise? Things jiggled. JIGGLED! That was new, and quite frankly, unacceptable. I have a strict No Jiggling Policy. However, though I did not care for the working boobs, I loved the bond I felt with my babies when I fed them, not to mention the convenience, so I powered through. And everyone loves big boobs, right?! I mean Hooters is still in business, right?! Boobs = Good Times!
Not so much, actually. On one occasion I was shopping at the mall with my two-year-old son and newborn daughter, and lo and behold, my baby girl, she grew hungry. Babies tend to do that. And when my baby girl grew hungry, well, she let me KNOW about it. So I sat down on a bench in the middle of the mall, gave my son a book and toy to keep him entertained, put my daughter under a receiving blanket I had thrown over my shoulder and proceeded to feed her some boobaliciously tasty lunch. Because that is what mothers do when their babies are hungry. They feed them. Circle of life and all that shizz.
Now let me be clear. I did not pull a Janet Jackson, ripping open my shirt and whipping out my breast. I did not call out, "Yoo-hoo! Lookit! BOOOOOOOBS!" Honestly! The bigger-than-life posters of near-naked busty women in lingerie that plastered the window of Victoria's Secret were showing more boob than I was! I did not flash even the least bit of skin. But you know what? I might as well have done all those things for all the respect being modest got me.
Dirty looks. Whispers. Raised eyebrows. Pointing. And let me point out that these were not the teenagers, either. I was not even a blip on their radar. No, these Rudesby MacNasties were the adults in the mall. And I am playing fast and loose with the word "adults" here because RUDE. One woman actually approached me-- APPROACHED ME-- and demanded that I "take that into the bathroom or go home" as she did not want her son exposed to me and my working breasts, that I should be ashamed for "doing that" in public, and that she was going to talk to Mall Security about my public nudity.
Oh, no she did NOT.
Oh, ho, ho... Had my impressionable young son not been sitting next to me, I would have unleashed my inner bitch and let fly some variant of "Now listen, biznitch, you better step off or I WILL cut you!", but I reined it in and very sweetly said something to the effect of "Are you freaking kidding me?! Get away from me!" I was not about to be told that I had to go sit in some stinky bathroom stall to feed my daughter so as not to offend some random, severely repressed woman with Boob Issues. If she was so concerned about her son possibly seeing with his x-ray eyes that I was feeding a baby WITH MY BOOBIES under the blanket I had over us, well, then she could damn well take him into the bathroom and they could eat their lunch in a stall.
She left in a huff, but truthfully? I was shaken. Should I not have gone out in public-- to the mall, to restaurants, to church-- with a child whose only nourishment came from me? Should I have holed up in my house until my daughter was weaned? I was relatively new to the whole breastfeeding thing, as my son stubbornly refused anything but the quick flow of the bottle, and I felt uncertain of my rights. But I was VERY certain that woman was a bitch.
Was I wrong? Should I have been uncomfortable nursing in public? Because THAT'S WHAT BOOBS ARE FOR! I know, I know, there's the whole Horizontal Mambo Factor, but I think we can all agree that biologically speaking that is their SECONDARY function. And a damn good one, too, you know what I'm sayin'? Oh ho, ho, I think you DO! Just the other night TGIM was doing this thing-- well, never mind what he was doing. The hell?! That's none of your freaking beeswax! GOSH! Nosy!
But I digress.
After that I defiantly nursed in public. No one ever approached me again-- which could possibly be attributed to the wicked fierce stare I cultivated for just such an occasion-- but there were still the dirty looks, the whispers, the raised eyebrows, the pointing.
(steps up on soapbox) I can't help but wonder how a society that glorifies sex-- in our media, movies, television shows, magazines, music-- can be so uneasy with a natural nurturing act between a mother and her child. I was ASTOUNDED to learn that only about half of the states in the United States have legislation that protects women from being kicked out of public places for breastfeeding. BREASTFEEDING! *sigh* Freaking hell, people. We still have a long way to go. (/steps down from soapbox)
Now, the big boobs? They are a distant memory, which is just fine by me. Yes, sir. I am pleased to report that my shirts fit much better now. And the No Jiggling Policy? Totally reinstated and strictly enforced.
And let's face it: my mother's humongous boobs more than compensate for any shortcomings my sisters and I have in that department. Good lord, those suckers are huge. Thanks, Mom!
- Nessa commented:
you've got me cracking up & I heart you for that!
- » 10/14/2005 12:04 PM
- mrtl commented:
- » 10/14/2005 12:39 PM
- WILLIAM commented:
*sigh* Boobs.....what was the post about?
- » 10/14/2005 12:46 PM
- not-so-normal mom commented:
I feel you, momma. I have the ginormous boobies, so we're not on the same page there, 'cause I break your no-jiggle rule! BUT, I did get the stares in public, and I also was oh-so modest with the blanket...in the summer, in southern California. By the time I would take the blankie off, we would both be sweaty. I turned to fitting rooms often in malls because I was sick of the stares. I was a young mom, and self-conscious. My last baby, I was more mature(29) and I soooo didn't hide at home. I still used the blankie, but I was all ready with a snappy comeback if anyone had anythng to say about my mommy duty. I'm right up there on that soapbox with you! More power to ya, super mommy!
- » 10/14/2005 2:00 PM
Amen to the the breastfeeding. But as for the boobs... I still have a poem written by a certain someone teasing me about my boobs!
- » 10/14/2005 5:13 PM
- Cat commented:
Oooooooh! DI! Was it Chad?! Dave?! Mike?! That short dude whose name I have forgotten? Sc-- (wait, he reads this...) C'mon, woman!
Hee. That sounds like a poem I'd like to read: Ode to Di's Maracas by...?
- » 10/14/2005 5:58 PM
- Charlotte in Pa commented:
This really negates your point, but it's still funny... My nephew was on his second date with his girlfriend (they were probably 17/18) and they were waiting to be seated at a restaurant. A woman started breastfeeding her baby in the vestibule where everyone was waiting. Not discreetly like you... oh no! She whipped her whole breast out and stuck the little guy on. My nephew says he tried to be mature, but he couldn't help giggling a little nervously. A man walked up and asked her if she could cover up a bit because his 8 year old son was learning a little too much for a night at The Outback. The woman got all huffy and said, "This is a perfectly natural thing!" The man looked around and locked eyes with my nephew and said, "Well so is sex... but you don't see this young man banging his girlfriend in the lobby." If you only knew how shy my nephew is! The poor kid wanted to die. They ended up going elsewhere for dinner. This is the same nephew who just had his first child (see my blog)- with that same girl. But as far as I know, they didn't conceive her at The Outback
- » 10/14/2005 6:01 PM
- Cat commented:
Yep. My cousin's wife, who was quite pretty, would do that with her baby, right in front of me, my parents, and my pubescent brothers. I think that's the first time I remember ever seeing someone breastfeed, and I definitely had to hold back nervous giggles. Of course, that could be because she'd just whip out her boob and WAVE IT in front of her baby's face, cooing, "Are you hungry yet, sweetie? Want some lunch?" Hee. I thought my brothers' eyes would bug right out of their heads, which only made me giggle more. My father had to leave the table, he was so embarrassed. There is absolutely a LINE which can SO be crossed, I will give you that! Because my eyes? They STILL burn!
- » 10/14/2005 7:08 PM
- kalki commented:
Back when I was boobin' it up (TM Jessica Rabbit) I had the jiggling going on, too. Freaky, isn't it?
Now then, the thing TGYM was doing? DO TELL....
- » 10/14/2005 7:15 PM
- LadyBug commented:
I was - for the most part, anyway - too modest and self-conscious to do much breastfeeding in public, instead retiring to a dressing room (if we were shopping) or even the car (if we were dining out). I was always very proud to be a breastfeeding mom (I nursed all three kiddos through their respective first years. DAMN STRAIGHT I'm proud.), but I just didn't feel comfortable nursing in public, especially since none of my kids would leave the dang blanket alone when I tried to cover 'em up. But the times I DID nurse in public, no one ever said anything about it, and aren't they lucky they didn't. 'Cause, yeah, I'd have to CUT. THEM.
Oh, and I somehow ended up with freakishly large boobages. I'm in the double D boat with your mom. And I HATE. IT.
- » 10/14/2005 8:10 PM
- Juliabohemian commented:
wow you were too kind. I would opened up a can of whoopass. I never got around to breast feeding in public, but I would have if it became necessary. I would have pointed out to this chick what you said about the posters at the Victoria's Secret store. I worry about my kids seeing THOSE too.
- » 10/14/2005 11:25 PM
Oh sorry, by someone I meant you!
- » 10/15/2005 11:12 AM
- Cat commented:
... I wrote a poem about your breasts?... Really?...
Wow. How weird am I?
- » 10/15/2005 11:29 AM
- Dima commented:
That's really funny! And let me tell you, playing sports all my life hasn't stopped mine from being big, and it's very uncomfortable!
I think the whole stigma about breastfeeding by some is one of the many examples of our society being hypocritical.
But I can totally imagine that lady that said that to you being fat and ugly, and you could've replied to her: "you're fat and ugly, and I don't want my child to grow up thinking it's ok to be that, but you don't see me asking you to stay home so not to offend the rest of us?"
I hate when people make comments like that. There are practically children walking around dressed like hookers, and no one says anything to them. I'm sure they didn't get that way from watching mothers breastfeeding their babies. If anything, seeing that may make kids these days less likely to have unprotected sex or sex at all. SO really, we need to condone breastfeeding in public.
- » 10/15/2005 5:52 PM
- kalki commented:
Okay, so wait...Cat wrote a poem about Di's boobs? AWESOME.
- » 10/15/2005 7:02 PM
A poem by Cat:
Di, you're so cute and so tall,
You make us feel oh-so-small!
I swear you're our idol
We give you the title
'"Babe" with big boobs of us all!'
Okay, I guess it was meant as a compliment, but after 15 years all I remembered was the boob part.
- » 10/15/2005 9:04 PM
- Cat commented:
Oh. Goodness. Well, I always DID have an unfortunate affection for limericks...
(And let's face it, your boobs are FABULOUS!)
- » 10/16/2005 7:15 AM