Mom Pants. Why, people? Why? Honestly. Hasn't the horror that is Mom Pants been broadcast sufficiently throughout the world, to the American TV watching public in particular? Well, hasn't it?! Today I stood on the sidewalk outside my kiddos' elementary school, patiently waiting to drag their lazy, I Don't Want To Walk In The Rain! butts home in my car (Spoiled, much?! I walked home from school in the rain! Lots of times! It was, like, a whole mile, too! UP A HILL!). Well along came another mother who looked to be approximately my age, armed with an umbrella and a steely glint in her eyes. I envied her determination and obvious will-power in not bending as I did to the aforementioned I Don't Want To Walk In The Rain! whine-a-thon she was more than likely subjected to that morning. But, guys? GUYS?! What I did not envy? Her MOM PANTS.
Now, sistah, why you gotta be like that, huh? I worked long and hard as a high school English teacher to dispel the myth that women above 30 are "old" and "out of touch" with pop culture. LONG and HARD, dammit! I read In Style! I wore the latest styles in business attire (shunning the trendy stuff, of course), and dressed down in jeans and a school t-shirt on Fridays! My students would often compliment my clothing! I was making progress! Of course, one parent complained I looked too much like the students after seeing me on a Casual Friday, but I attribute that to my overall youthful spunkiness, y'all. Plus, she was a bitch.
And there were lectures, people! My students may not have learned to appreciate Chaucer's superb powers of characterization or recognize his crucial contribution to English literature in using English at a time when much court poetry was still written in Anglo-Norman or Latin, but by DAMN they knew that Joss Whedon was a master storyteller in his own right, bringing Buffy and the Scooby Gang to life in a way never before seen on network television! I was well-versed in ghetto, yo? And I knew The Music. I could talk American Idol!
And here you come-- wearing your circa 1988 jeans, with the acid-wash and the tapered legs and the button (gasp!) ABOVE your belly-button -- you just waltz right over and stand next to me, and you Perpetuate the Myth, woman. And to further compound the horror, you top it all off with the same poofy hair style you wore to Homecoming in 1989! WHY?! UNTUCK YOUR SHIRT, WOMAN. This is not the first season of Family Ties. Why are you still dressing like Elyse Keaton? It is 2005! C'mon! Do you not watch Oprah? Oprah does NOT wear Mom Pants. Ellen? Nope. She's stylin'. Do you not see the clothes displayed in the store windows? Do you have to specifically ASK for Mom Pants at the store, or is there a black market I haven't heard about where they barter Mom Pants for jelly shoes and Member's Only jeans jackets?! Just... WHY?! Gosh!
I was frantic. Could my casual yet kicky ensemble of backflap crop denim jeans with a simple green cotton tee and hoodie counteract the damage she was doing to my early-thirties street cred with the urban demo? Would my rep remain intact?
Thankfully her daughter came out and they moved along before too many people were unduly influenced by the Mom Pants horror. I breathed a sigh of relief, I tell you what.
Hey. I totally feel better. Good rant! Just don't get me started on bus drivers who apparently feel completely comfortable cleaning out their ears with their pinkie fingers while in public...
12 Comments:
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Ern commented:
Unlike mom pants, however, I think a raspberry beret can still be pulled off with a certain amount of flair, by the right person. As long as it isn't paired with mom pants!
(If you find out about the black market, let me know. Maybe we can bring it down!)- » 10/07/2005 3:15 PM
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Cat commented:
Oh, I am SO in!
- » 10/07/2005 3:18 PM
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commented:
Yeah, where do these women buy those pants? Last time I checked, Walmart and Target didn't carry them. Sears? Mmmm. It's a mystery.
- » 10/07/2005 3:40 PM
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WILLIAM commented:
Are you refering to the pants that were spoofed on SNL a few years back? I am not sure what mom pants are. I need a visual. Is this waht you are talking about
http://snltranscripts.jt.org/02/02smom.phtml
OR this
http://www.devilducky.com/media/30138/- » 10/07/2005 7:01 PM
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Cat commented:
Silly mrtl! Of COURSE not. You go on with your bad preggers self, girlfriend!
William! OMG! O! M! G! Those are TOTALLY the pants! And that SNL video is HI-LARIOUS! Classic.- » 10/07/2005 7:07 PM
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Michele in Michigan commented:
Women like that don't BUY them anywhere NOW--hehehe. They just dig deep in their closets & pull out the "thin clothes" they saved from the 80's because they just KNOW their asses will again fit in them one day. Not like I know this from personal experience or anything.
OK, alright...All I'm sayin' is that I have a couple of pairs of jeans stashed (no elastic waist, thankyouverymuch) that made my ass look FINE way back when. I am gonna try those suckers on (when they fit again hehehe) but NOT leave the house in them LOL
A chubby girl can dream, can't she? LOL
Oh and Cat? As much as I wanted to be an English teacher when I was in high school (my English teacher talked me out of it), I am so glad I chose a different career path ONLY because Chaucer gave me hives in college. Well, not CHAUCER, but my creepy professor who insisted we read the Canterbury Tales using the old English accent (Can-tah-burry TAH-less) :)
But I loves me sum inglish~!- » 10/07/2005 11:39 PM
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Unknown commented:
Mom pants scare me. They're sneaky. Sometimes, I don't even know I have them until I see them covering my MOM BUTT in the mirror. Then I freak out and do the dance of horror until those things are banished to a corner of the room. After I catch my breath, I do what any self-respecting Mom should do -- I squeezed my Mom Butt into the jeans that fit me TWO KIDS AGO, lay down on the bed, zipper them up, and do my best to not breathe or eat for the next 8-12 hours.
Oh, and that SNL skit, totally funny. I wonder were I could get a vest like that...- » 10/09/2005 8:03 PM
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Random and Odd commented:
Glad to see you are feeling better/.
- » 10/10/2005 11:41 AM
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Unknown commented:
HEY - do not mock the power of the jelly shoes. My friend has bright pink ones that smell like bubble gum. I have silver glitter ones, but they don't smell. Mum pants are bad and evil, but jelly shoes get you closer to god.
- » 10/10/2005 10:53 PM
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commented:
Mom pants need to STOP. Although I do love the SNL bit about them. And I'm with Aaron - I think perhaps Mom pants are what make up the "softer side of Sears." Ain't right.
- » 10/11/2005 8:19 AM
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commented:
I meant Arron, sorry.
- » 10/11/2005 8:20 AM
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Cat commented:
Aw, don't be sorry. That was just Aaron trying to act all Latin Lovery and shizz, you know, like "Arrrrrrron!" (roll those R's and put the emphasis and a hard O on "ron") Uh-huh. Geek.
- » 10/11/2005 9:08 AM