Even more overrated than homemade bread (kneading? hello?), a honeymoon in Niagra Falls (the Falls are NOISY, yo?), and the lower back tattoo (SNL ruined it for y'all; you know it's true), would be the phrase, "Any publicity is good publicity."
No place is this better illustrated than during the beginning stages of American Idol. Because of the popularity and mania of Season One's audition phase-- not to mention the twenty bazillion clips of excruciatingly BAD singing auditions by seriously delusional hopefuls played over and over and over and over-- we have had to suffer through the likes of Creepy "Like a Virgin" Guy, William "She Bangs!" Hung and now, Rhonetta. Oh, Rhonetta, Rhonetta, RHONETTA... When the nice men in little white coats come, don't fight it, my sister-friend. Be cool. Take their hands and follow. Because you? Are FUR-REEKY! And a walking fashion disaster area! Um, and in dire need of some underpants. This is not to even to mention the whole anger-management issue... "Paula Abdul is as old as HELL! What's she got? She played out! 'Straight up now, tell me, is it gonna be you and me blah, blah, BLAH!' I'm a STAR, motherf*@$%#! And that b@$*# wants me to drink off her nasty self?! Uh-UH! She should be drinking off me! That's right, mother f*@$%&! I'm gonna be a SUPAHSTAH!... Oh, and Simon Cowell can KISS MY ASS!"
Oh, and this? (be sure to picture accompanying head-wags): "I'm still gonna be famous, 'cause guess who told me? Ten of my motherf*@$%ing psychic friends told me that!"
Best. AI Craziness. EVER.
Still, I must ask you: When will the madness end?!
Seriously. You know some of these people that get through are deliberately playing the fool. Some, like the squeaky-voiced girl in the pink cowboy hat and unfortunate earrings, are genuinely naive regarding their talent: "My mom says I'm a cross between Britney Spears and Carrie Underwood. But she doesn't know who they are or anything about music, so... *shrug*..." Her tears afterward and her squeaky little "You know what would make me feel better, Ryan?... A hug!" were proof enough. You just can't fake that heartbreak. Well, unless you are an actor. And a damn good one, at that. Or if you just really, really want to cop a feel off wee Ryan. Which I have NO DOUBT she did, because, you know... he's so wee! And CUTE! And he was all rubbing her back and stuff so you know she could totally do it. Aaw! LUCKY! I love me some wee Ryan Seacrest...
But others, such as the dude who took, like, ten minutes to sing one line of his song, were soooooo full of it. He was a super bad actor, too. He almost started laughing when he saw the look on Paula's face, right? Did anyone else see that?! Such a FAKER! I've got your number, DORKUS! And you know his friends are TOTALLY going to see that audition! Because he is a Paris Hilton-level attention whore and will absolutely make them watch! And they're going to be like, "DUDE! You are SUCH a MORON!" and run away from his house and he will be all alone with his flatscreen and twenty bowls of popcorn yelling, "No! Come back! It was a joke! I just wanted my 15 minutes! IS THAT SO WRONG?! HUH?!" and they will shout as they race into the night, "Next time rob a bank! At least that will be more dignified, you freaking loser!" and he will be all, "Well, who needs you, then!... All I need is my 15 minutes of fame!... And this thermos! My fifteen minutes of fame and this thermos! That's all I need!... Hey. I wonder when they'll call with that record deal?"
Or at least that's the way I see it in my mind.
But my fave was lingerie girl who wore skanky-- not to mention hideous-- underclothes to her audition, insulted my wee Ryan repeatedly (and vertically-challenged men in general), and took care to mention she "didn't judge" her single mother (who bought her the outfit, naturally) for making ends meet by being gainfully employed as a dancer in a strip club. She lost me at "Oh no! I'm moving out here and don't want to be surrounded by short guys!" in response to Ryan's defensive assertion that he was the average height of guys in California. Somebody's filter was definitely not in working order, you know what I'm saying? Good LORD. Don't worry, my wee'un! You still have your star on the Walk of Fame! What's she got, huh?! Bad lingerie, that's what! Take that Tall Girl Of Ugly Underclothes And Even Uglier Attitude. Take THAT.
Whatev.
All I'm saying is that if all of this doesn't convince you that the phrase "Any publicity is good publicity" is colossally overrated, just ask wannabe twin superstars Terrell and Derrell Brittenum. They'll tell you!
Well, when they are released from jail, that is.
I'll bet you a dollar.
5 Comments:
-
Not-So-Normal-Mom commented:
Poetic, Cat. I agree with you. I shed a few tears over Kelly Pickler, though. Who would drop that cute girl on her grandpa's doorstep when she was only 2? I like the people that it will totally change their lives forever. You know? Like the girl who had been in 42 foster homes and was a single mom of three kids? *tear* I'm a big sucker for the Cinderella story. Anyway, I'm watching it right along with ya!
- » 1/25/2006 11:15 AM
-
WILLIAM commented:
Next time rob a bank. That would be more dignified. So true. So true.
A Smoking Gun Link. Gotta love it.- » 1/25/2006 11:15 AM
-
Michele in Michigan commented:
I am SOOOO sad that I had to work & miss this...
Thanks for the great post!- » 1/26/2006 1:33 AM
-
Susie commented:
The squeaky girl with the cowboy hat absolutely has a future as a cartoon voice. Don't you think? I'm serious, she'd make a cute something-or-other.
- » 1/26/2006 9:48 AM
-
BirdMadGirl commented:
Thanks for the Smoking Gun link - I hadn't heard about that yet! That's too bad because they were really talented.
- » 1/26/2006 10:08 AM