(Forgive me in advance. This? Is a bit on the longish side. Do not judge me for my AI weakness.)

Hey! Was my Ryan on last night or what?! Woo! He was cracking my shizz up, you know what I'm saying? I just want to put him on my keychain and carry him with me wherever I go, he is THAT cute. Quite honestly, he's doing a fabulous job this year, in my opinion. I mean, what's not to like? In addition to genuinely caring about the contestants (it appears, anyway), he's a smooth and quick-witted host who doesn't hesitate to joke at his own expense. Heh. I'm still laughing at his deadpan "I'm taller than Tom Cruise" comment from Tuesday's show. And his jabs at Simon for not offering any constructive criticism, plus that Chippendale's bit? Hoo! Awesome. I can totally forgive his blazing metrosexuality.

Ooooh, brain fart: He should totally be a judge. God knows Randy and Paula (AKA: Drunky McSmurf) are useless.

Which leads me to this... how many veiled Connie digs were there from the judges last night? So, SO many. I had to laugh. Gosh. They must have REALLY disliked him...

Oh, and Paula? If you stand up during EVERY SINGLE PERFORMANCE the standing O sort of loses it's bloom, you know what I'm saying? SIT. DOWN. And stop hitting on the contestants in front of God and everybody! I mean, honestly. That look you were giving Ace? That's right, the I Want To Jump Into Your Pants And Make With The Sweet, Sweet Love look? I don't know about anyone else, but I felt like I needed to leave the room so I wouldn't have to watch you jump him right there and have your nasty way with him (which... ew)? Good heavens. Girlfriend made me blush.

Enough o' dat. Here's my rundown:

Patrick - I like him, I do. That being said-- and maybe it's my Etheridge Hate talking-- but meh. And why is Paula telling him to stay with what he does best? Contradict yourself, much? Seriously. "Go outside your convert zone!" "Be original!" "Take a chance!" then "Dude. Do what you do best..." The contradictions inherent in the judges' comments constantly amaze me.

David - The judges are on crack. That song was absolutely perfect for him. I enjoyed it. That being said, how much do I HATE crooners? Unless they are Harry Connick, Jr.? Well, let's just say a whole freaking lot, and leave it at that, okay? He must go. Which is sad, because, you know... dimples?

Bucky - Dude? Bo you are not. And you must shave the pornstache right quick if you want me to take you seriously, a'ight dawg? And maybe invest in some dental work? What?! I'm just saying! (Total veiled dig at Constantine from Simon, here. Rockers who play weddings? Heh! Poor Connie.)

Will - Johnny Bravo? Is that you? Oh, wait, that was GREG, right? My bad... Overall, good vocals, tons of charisma. But he needs to not dance anymore.

(And someone please shoot the writer who came up with "where theres a Will, there's a Sway." Please. And Ryan, If you made that up on the spot? Never do that again and I mean it.)

Sway - Urgh! Blech! The hell? Why would a person DO that his first time out of the gate? The falsetto was WAY weak even if he did have that one sweet note at the end. There is only one man I can think of right now whose falsetto voice I will willingly listen to, and since you are NOT Prince, I suggest you CUT. IT. OUT. And give Mario back his pimp hat, mm'kay? Again, the judges? CRACKHEADS! All of them!

Chris - LOVED THIS. I admit... I love me some Bon Jovi. Of course, he sang it with no originality whatsoever-- which the judges so did not call him on, the crackheads-- but so what? It was Bon JOVI. And he did it beautifully. Rock on, dude.

Kevin - I like his voice, I do, I really do, but he's awkward, and lispy, and quite frankly rather painful to watch. I do not want to squish or pinch him. Vocally, he sort of impresses me, but he annoys me visually. And the blinking is reminiscent of He Who Shall Not Be Named And Yes I Am Looking At You, Scott Savol. That is never good.

Gedeon - I am having trouble getting past this dude's fuh-REEKY personality (good LORD he's a weird one), but the song was a'ight. Didn't make want to shout, though. And just a thought: they shouldn't let him talk, like, ever. Just sing. Because his intro? Again with the fuh-REEKY. ::whispering:: And his smile bugs me, too.

Elliott - Okay, I think Simon was simply trying to get a rise out off the Claymates with his "BEST. MALE VOCALIST. EVER" comment. Because come ON. And honestly? I am having a bit of trouble getting past Elliot's teeth. I know, I know, right? *sigh* Me? Shallow. Get over it.

Bobby - Buh-bye, sweetie. Nice knowing you.

Ace - Ooooooh, PRETTY. And dude sang a George Michael song. GEORGE MICHAEL! Whom I adore! Honestly. Could he be any more perfect for me?! I want to pinch HIS *ahem* cheeks... Heh. He totally said "naked." Heh heh. Naked... Oh, sorry, I was somewhere else for a minute there... Er, good on you, Secret American Idol Luvah. Good on you.

And hello? Ace is so much more talented than-- Ooooh, um, that other guy from last season? Help me out here... What was his name again? Hmmm... with the eye-fugging of the camera and whatnot?... Okay, honestly, I do see why some are comparing Ace to Constantine, but there is a HUGE difference here that I think they must factor into the equation: Ace? Can actually SING, y'all. That's right. I said it. He can! Thank God. I need him on my TV, guys. No, seriously.

See, Ace is the guy Constantine was trying to be, except he doesn't have to try. He just IS. And, hey, bonus points for the HAWT brother, yes? Say it with me now: DAY-UM.

Taylor - Awesome. During auditions I admit I felt a little put off by the way he bobs around as if his knees can't... quite... support his weight, but there is just something about the way the genuine musicality seems to pour out of him when he performs. That sounds strange, I know, but I don't know how else to say it. (Oh, dear lord! I must be channeling Paula!) Anyhoos, dude can apparently rein in The Bob (well, at least until the post-song banter with Ryan, that is. But how cute was that?! Because of Ryan? Aaaw!) which I would strongly encourage him to continue doing. All I'm saying is this guy has some major talent. MAJOR. Which makes the Jay Leno hair all the more tragic.

Wow. If I would have known I was going to go on this long, I would have brought a snack. Chips, perhaps. Or a toasted coconut cake donut. Maybe even a fruit of some sort.

Man. I so need a life.

Cat, out.

17 Comments:

 Odd Mix commented:

Cat, you make me laugh. That's a good thing. Did you get your internet conection fixed? Or are you still warchalking your neighbors' unsecured WiFi networks?

And about this wordverification thing - procdtk - I'm not sure what to make of it, but anything beginning with "proc" that I can't define makes me all nervous.

» 2/23/2006 9:56 AM 

 dashababy commented:

I loved the way you critiqued everyone of them in order. And your dead on. Gideon, ewww, super duper creepy, don't even like him one bit.
Ace is Mega hot. Yeah dude, he said naked, and he said it good. hehe. Whoa, hang on, hotflash. Anyway, he is a mastermind with that song. AT first I was like oh no way, not a good song but I was very quickly on board in a BIG way. I voted for the very first time. (sigh).

» 2/23/2006 10:00 AM 

 Anonymous commented:

Cat, I am not a regular Idol watcher. In fact, I haven't watched one minute since season two, when local girl Carmen was doin' her thing, but your infectuous enthusiasm has got the ron and me watching this year (oh, yeah, your enthusiasm and the fact that the olympics are off the suckometer charts). We just caught the very end yesterday, and YourAce was good. Who doesn't love the Father Figure? I found myself wanting more (If you are the desert, I'll be the sea. If you ever hunger, hunger for me -- totally the BEST part. And we didn't get it. Ouch). My choice from the minute I saw him though, is TAYLOR HICKS! And not just because he's named for an Elementary School. I love this guy, and I was SO glad he didn't sing "Love lifts us up where we belong" or some other Joe Cocker thing, because he is SO MUCH more than a Joe Cocker clone! BTW, the best part of the night was when the ron said, "It looks like Paula is having a hard time deciding which contestant to sleep with next." He is an observant fellow.

» 2/23/2006 10:06 AM 

 BirdMadGirl commented:

Chris and Taylor got my votes last night. They are AMAZING. And I completely threw up a little when Sway was performing. WTF was THAT! It was, (as I quote my Simon-baby) "A complete and utter mess. The whole thing."

Thanx for the recap :D

» 2/23/2006 10:17 AM 

 Wicked H commented:

Spot on Cat. SPOT. ON.

I think you made a wise choice getting a new lovah - excellent choice. Eggselent!

» 2/23/2006 10:29 AM 

 ieatcrayonz commented:

I loved reading this because every one of these single damn thoughts ran through my head. I kept looking to a Simon for a saving grace on the crack Randy and Paula were serving up. What on earth is with them this year?

I had to admit that I first thought Ace's brother was way hot, and then they switched back to Ace, and I thought, "Seen the sun much, Ace bro?"

» 2/23/2006 10:29 AM 

 Renee commented:

You said exactly how I feel. I was talking to my sis on the phone while watching...hey she lives 600 miles away so we watch it together on the phone. We saw Ace and his hot brother and were like damn one for each of us, then we remembered...we're married! Damn!lol

» 2/23/2006 10:58 AM 

 LadyBug commented:

Okay, girl, you SO do not need to seek forgiveness for your lengthiness, here. 'Cause I recorded AI last night, and something is DEFINITELY amiss with our VCR (We need TiVo SO BADLY, or TiFaux, even!), and the SOUND cut in and out, throughout the WHOLE show. Like, as in, I MISSED most of the singing! SOUND is pretty friggin' important in a SINGING competition! I heard just enough snippets of each one to be in total agreeance with you on most of these. The last two (Ace and Taylor) are my personal favorites, too. And "Father Figure" is one of my all-time faves. Gets me happy in my pants, that one does. (Oh, dear. Did I just type that out loud?)

ANYway, I have resolved not to buy a new VCR until we can afford one of those fancy-schmancy, new-fangled jobbers that can record onto DVD. In the meantime, I may have to steal, er, umm, borrow the girls' VCR to record my shows.

All that to say, THANK YOU for your pleasantly lengthy summary of last night's AI. I needed that.

LadyBug, OUT.

» 2/23/2006 10:58 AM 

 Wendy aka Cheeky commented:

Right on! I agree with all of your assessments!

» 2/23/2006 11:18 AM 

 Anonymous commented:

I come by way of Kristine and I 100% agree with everything you said. It's like you read my thoughts!!! Oh man, and me? I was so surprised by Ace because I kinda just assumed he'd be okay but be a try-hard Constantine/Bo type guy but he kicked major butt!! And I love George Michael and he did GM justice with his Father Figure performance. And let me tell you, when he said "I'll be your daddy" yeah, I agreed. He could be my daddy anyday. LOVE your opinions!!

» 2/23/2006 12:33 PM 

 Cat commented:

odd mix: Still no internet. *sigh*

dashababy: Yay, you! I feel compelled to warn you though: Voting becomes addicting.

ladybug: You did indeed type that out loud. ::whipering and covering TGIM's eyes and ears:: He makes me happy in my pants, too! Shhh!

All the rest of y'all: I KNOW, right?!

» 2/23/2006 12:46 PM 

 Random and Odd commented:

Cat! go see the Ruse. Seriously...YOU MUST! Tell them that "Mom" sent you!!

Get autographs too, they are going to be BIG!

» 2/23/2006 5:23 PM 

 Anonymous commented:

Dang that is one THOROUGH run down of Idol. I popped on over from Random and Odd. I did not get the see the boys last night and my viewing of the ladies got cut short this week. I love the show but my attention span for it is one night a week. You will hear me pipe in more as they get down to the final 12!

Nice to meet you!

» 2/23/2006 6:31 PM 

 Not-So-Normal-Mom commented:

I'm with you, momma. I loved Elliott, but I said the exact same thing about his teeth to my hubby! Shallow, much? I love rocker Chris. That was some solid Bon Jovi. Ace was pretty dreamy. I liked the Jackson Five boy-he was so Donny Osmond cute! I wasn't too fond of Taylor. I feel awful saying this, but I think he seems too old! Anyway-I'm loving the AI this season!

» 2/23/2006 8:37 PM 

 Vajana commented:

i only caught Ace and the two guys before him (yeah, I don't watch it much) and Ace has it, you are correctamundo. And George Michael, helloooo?!?! Awesome. Don't need to see anyone else.

» 2/23/2006 8:42 PM 

 Amy commented:

test

» 2/24/2006 7:04 AM 

 Amy commented:

My comment from yesterday did not show up. But now it seems to be okay. I WATCHED IT. I love your commentary on AI! It's the BOMBENTARY!

» 2/24/2006 7:06 AM 

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