Last weekend I took my children to Borders so they could hang out in the children's books section, browsing new titles, reading aloud to each other, and incessantly whining, "Mooooooommmmmmaaaa, please buy me this book, please! Please, Momma! Please, please, PLEEEEEEEZ!" Because I'm DUMB.
Anyhoos, my son had been going on and on and on about some book search thingymabobber at Borders and how he totally needed to look up this awesome book his teacher had been talking about and did I know if it cost money to look up books because he remembered seeing a spot for swiping credit cards on the machine and would I help him figure it out because he REALLY wanted that book and how dumb is it to charge for looking up books, anyway?! He continued along this vein throughout the drive, while parking the car, even as we were walking up to the store, so it should be no surprise to anyone that the first thing I did as we walked through the doors was to make a beeline for that damn kiosk so he would just STEP OFF.
Unfortunately a whitish-blueish-haired octogenarian was using the machine, so we parked ourselves at a respectful distance from her and patiently waited for her to finish her search.
"See, Momma? See where you put the credit card? Do we have to pay to use it? Because that would be dumb, right?"
I leaned a little closer to the machine, and by golly, there was a slot for credit cards. By leaning a bit to the left I could just... make out... the side... of the screen, which listed the functions of the machine. "Oh, that's just for pre-orders, Buddy. The search part I am SURE is fr--"
"ExCUSE me!" a voice interrupted. "Do you need to use this machine? Because I am ALMOST. FINISHED." (Translation: "You better back the hell away from me and my search machine, Miss Rudesby McWhippersnapper, or I will freaking cut you! That's right, biznitch!")
Well, I never. Of all the ill-tempered... Grandma was being SNIPPY, y'all. She had turned from the machine, apparently bothered by my presence in what she obviously considered her "personal space." Her tone was dismissive and her whitish-blueish helmet of hair actually trembled with the force of her righteous fury. But we so did not deserve her anger, I promise you. We were at a respectful distance!
I tell you what, my own dear grandmother would NEVER act this way. No, indeed! My grandmother rocks the hizzouse! But I digress.
I blinked at her. Once. Twice. Then, "Um, yes, but we're just waiting... we've never used this machine before... we were just wondering how it worked... Wait. Why? Am I bugging you?"
She glared daggers at me and my son for a half-second, then-- and I am so not kidding here-- hissed, "YES! You are!" and stormed off in a huff. STORMED OFF! Well, okay, as quickly as an old bag can "storm," that is. Which isn't very fast, actually. It was more like she hobbled or tottered. Perhaps doddered? Yes, she doddered off. In a huff.
Of course I took the high road, you know, played nice in the face of her obvious rudeness... basically set a good example for my boy. "Okay, thanks!" I called after her. "Have a grrrrrreat day!" Okay, so my voice (perhaps) may have been laced with a bit sarcasm-- just a tad, mind you-- but honestly. I'm only human. And a little obnoxious.
"Ooooooo-KAY," my buddy boy said to me, raising his eyebrows. "She was rude."
We approached the machine and took a look at the screen she had neglected to clear in her haste to dodder away. In a huff.
Search: Gospel Music.
"Ooooh! Gospel music! Maybe she'll find God and be nicer, eh?" I said loudly. Um, because I'm horribly rude?
Sadly, this conversion to God and the Golden Rule was not to be, as ten minutes later I saw Grandma Geezer approach a young boy using the book search machine, whisper something in his ear, then push him to the side so she could use the machine.
Search: Senior Romance and Sexuality.
Okay, fine, I am totally kidding about that last search topic. But seriously, if gospel music ain't helpin' the Golden Girl chill the freak out, maybe she should be looking into getting some octogenarian tail. That's all I'm saying.
That being said, I hope she's there the next time I am dumb enough to haul all my kids to the bookstore. That was the most fun I've ever had at Borders. No, really. Ever.
- not-so-normal mom commented:
You are so funny! My granny would never act like that, either. I do know a certain in-law granny that would totally act like that, but I'll tell you about that later! I'm glad your son gets to see his momma take a stand and still be respectful at the same time.:-)
- » 2/28/2006 10:35 AM
- WILLIAM commented:
Cat, Cat, Cat. I understand your need to set an example in front of the boy, but really you could have been more mean to the mean old hag. What I find ususally works in situations like this, is to offer your most sincere assistance by stating really loud (because old people hate it when you think they are hard of hearing) "Do you need help with the computer?"
- » 2/28/2006 11:14 AM
- mrtl commented:
Next time tell the doddering hag to have a blessed day.
- » 2/28/2006 12:12 PM
- Random And Odd commented:
heeee heeee. you so funny.
- » 2/28/2006 3:05 PM
- Misty commented:
All i can think of is Stephanie on "Full House" saying "HOWW RUUUDE!"
- » 2/28/2006 3:39 PM
- Circus Kelli commented:
Woo! Good times!
- » 2/28/2006 3:40 PM
- Mandy commented:
So...where do you live? Cause I think that could be the disgruntled woman I call Grandma. But only if you're in Ohio. Gotta love rude old ladies!
- » 2/28/2006 9:10 PM
- Ern commented:
Grandmas get snippy? I thought they just gardened and crocheted (sp?) and bought presents for their grandchildren, and maybe did some traveling and definitely reading. But getting snippy? Weird.
- » 2/28/2006 9:14 PM
- wordgirl commented:
Eeewww...octogenarian tail? Now I'll need to get my eyes AND my brain bleached. God help me if they do it while gospel music plays in the background.
- » 2/28/2006 10:18 PM
- LadyBug commented:
You crack me up, cat. And I love William's idea. You totally should've offered to "help" the old hag.
P.S. I came here looking for your take on last night's AI. I can sum up my opinion in one word: meh.
- » 3/01/2006 8:31 AM
- dashababy commented:
It's weird when old people act that way. You just don't see it comin'. I hate it when old ladies flip me off in traffic. It's the worst!
I know A.I. last night wasn't that inspiring but I know you got somethin' to say about it so, I'll be back later and you better have somethin' written down here or, or, or else, that's what. :)
- » 3/01/2006 9:41 AM
- not-so-normal mom commented:
Wherefore art thou, Cat?
I don't know what to think about AI until I read your post!!!!!
- » 3/01/2006 3:13 PM
- kalki commented:
Yeah, what william and mrtl said. (What? It's midnight - I've got nothin'.)
As always, you totally rock.
- » 3/01/2006 10:56 PM