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Desperate Working Mommas
Your one-stop site for fanatical television snarking, questionable political analysis, occasional attempts to address the parenting issues facing working mothers, and halfhearted promises to stop obsessing about the entertainment industry, already! Oh, not to mention the random bitching and moaning. There's always that.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Apologetic Graduate of the Holden Caufield School of Criticism

Allow me to say that I am officially feeling the AWKWARD between Simon and Ryan. Lately Ryan's like this persistent, annoying little puppy all pulling and nipping and occasionally scratching at Simon's pant-leg. Wither has the love gone, boys? Wither?

" Love the dancing."
"It's a singing competition."
"You just can't dance."
"It's a singing competition"
"YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS CAUSE YOU CAN"T DANCE!! You go up on the down beats! You do! You DO!!"

Paula is insane. Yup. Good times.

Now listen: when Barry's on, you just know the show's gonna be killer! Seriously. And good call on AI's part for the Fifties theme because last week's Stevie Wonder Lovefest came dangerously close to turning me off of AI for good, and I mean it! Okay, that's a lie, that would never happen-- NEVAH!-- but still. It DID totally suck. Sucked real good.

DING! Ooooh, brainfart! I just realized that Barry is one of those performers that you love to listen to... you know, if you don't have to actually LOOK at him? Good LORD, man! The Hair! The Hair! And hey, just step out of that closet, buddy, don't be afraid. It's got to be getting pretty darn stuffy in there. I'm just sayin'.

Mandisa - I Don't Hurt Anymore (Dinah Washington) - Woo! Looking good, girlfriend! Whoever picked that dress with the strategically placed undersleeve thingies? Genius. THAT is how to go sleeveless, Mandisa. Seriously. Smokin' hot look last night, babe. Loved the hair. That being said, STOP SHOUTING AT ME! I mean, why you so angry girl? Why you gotta be like that, huh? We love you, so cut it out! The lower register was much more appealing to me because by the end of the song I was like, "Huh. Looky there. Tonsils."

**Interesting behind the scenes info from my friend Kalki: "Cat! I was at Curves the other day and they were talking about Mandisa and they said that she is one of the people who sings the Curves songs! And I was like, "Nu-UH!" And so they brought out the CD cases, and sure enough! Mandisa is listed as the vocalist for some of those songs. And what's more, she's one of the vocalists on the Curves workout hymn CD!!!" Thanks for the scoop, woman! Smooches back at'cha! Heh. I am still laughing hysterically... Curves has a workout HYMN CD?! Hoo! "Holy, Holy, HOLY!" All right! Woo! Who's down with G-O-D?! (Pastor Skip!)**

Bucky - Oh Boy! (Buddy Holly) - Oh, BOY. Tough break, kid, squashed as you are between Mandisa and Paris. But let's talk about the hair for a moment: from Jessica Hair to Jesus Hair? Huh... Yeah, good call. That said, Boomhauer, Boomhauer, Bucky McGrowlsalot. I want to like you, I really, really do. Why won't you let me? Huh? But hey! At least you are starting to E-NUN-CI-ATE! This is progress, indeed. Oh! And loved the mic tossing. Very sharp. (I just said "sharp." Good lord. I am officially my mother.)

Paris - Fever (Peggy Lee) - The hair? Okay, I won't even go there. Okay, so check it: this was probably your best performance this season, hands down, I am so not kidding. Your voice is a fine-tuned instrument, that is fo' sho'. [Simon voice] BUT [/end Simon voice], although you are this teensy, WAY annoying firecracker with the powerful voice, I still get a sense of a little girl dressing up in Momma's clothes... Because Fever? Really? Girlfriend, you are so not old enough to really connect with the feeling behind this song. Fever is a sultry song... it should be purred, not belted. Honestly. With a little experience and humility... yeah. You'd definitely give Fantasia some competition.

Oh! Looky! Constantine!... and Ryan Cabrera. Okay, I would not have called that. And Secret Greek Idol Luvah? Um, have you even SHOWERED since last season? Because ew? Love the glasses! Smooches! MWAH!

Chris - I Walk The Line (Johnny Cash) - Cheater! CHEATER! But that comes later... TGIM absolutely LOVED this dirgeful version of I Walk the Line, and he is an actual, honest-to-freaking-goodness Johnny Cash fan. I mean, he has liked the man's music forever, LONG before Joaquin and Reese made it trendy. He has CDs! I mock him. That being said, yes, you = PRETTY. And hey, props to you for "refusing to compromise," blah blah one-trick pony BLAH, but dude, if you are going to cover some other band's version of I Walk the Line in the most blatant, karaoke way possible, you should probably mention it at some point. Raise your hand if you thought Chris arranged his own version of the song to "stay true to his rocker roots? (*raises both hands, waves them wildly*) Way to totally take credit for a version which was simply a ripoff of the version on the Best of Live's CD. I feel so betrayed. I can't even look at you anymore. Okay, that's a lie. (Pretty!)

Constantine! Again! Is it my BIRTHDAY?! The unkempt look is totally growing on me... But if it is true that you are dating Kellie "Pick Pickler"... well, we may not be able to see each other anymore. Think about it. (Call me!)

Katharine - Come Rain Or Come Shine (Ella Fitzgerald) - Wow. The girl-crush? It grows stronger... and hey, way to shy away from the Pickler School of Vapid Ho-ness! Good call. YES! The bouncy is BACK, baby! Or rather, the shakeshakeshake, but let's not quibble, mm'kay? Thank God for double-stick tape, that's all I'm saying. (Wait...) Kat? You = Adorkable! And though your voice was admittedly a tad (just a smidge! an iota!) sharp in a few spots, this song still sounded oh-so good on you. That voice! So effortless! So pretty! And did I mention how FREAKING SUPER UNBELIEVABLY HAWT you looked? Yes? Okay then.

Taylor - Not Fade Away (Buddy Holly) - Now why in the WORLD did you pick such a boring, repetitive, non-vocally-challenging song? Huh? What the hell were you thinking?! Could you have BEEN any more blah? I was bored, and I freaking LOVE you! I didn't bob my head even ONCE. But hey, [Paula voice] you had fun with it [/end Paula voice], and that's my favorite part of the performance, anyhoo, so whatev. You're not going anywhere, so PICK A BETTER SONG next week, mm'kay? OH! And the end pose? Golden.

Lisa - Why Do Fools Fall In Love? (Frankie Lymon and the Teenagers) - So cute. So talented. So forgettable. So going home. That's all I have to say about that.

Kevin - When Will I Fall In Love? (Nat King Cole) - You still creep me out. I think it's the soulless, blinky eyes of doom. And the attitude sucks, too, so there you go! I jutht can't thtand it any longer. Pleathe make it thtop! Okay, that was cruel. Please go away now so I can be all Puppies Giggles Flowers Cat again.

Elliott - Teach Me Tonight (Al Jarreau) - First off, the tie? Are you freaking serious? And TUCK YOUR SHIRT IN! That said, you didn't actually take Barry's advice, which... stupid? I mean, Barry may be fruitier than a picnic basket but the dude knows his music. I just don't think you connected with the song, and it showed in the vocals. Then again, I spent the majority of the performance looking at The Ears and elbowing TGIM, all, "What did they do to his ears? Are they pinned back? And up? Is it the hair? It's got to be the hair. Why does he look strangely less blechy and sort of kind of almost attractive in a low-eared, bad teethy kind of way? Oh, man. I find this disturbing." They are cleaning you up nicely, that's all I'm saying. So there you go.

Kellie - Walkin' After Midnight (Patsy Cline) - Listen, Pickle. Bronzer is NOT your friend. TGIM kept saying "What is up with her makeup? She looks like a hooker. Her stylist should be shot." But seriously, "I thought he was calling me a jacket!"? HATE. And "happy doo doo" song? (Confession: I did actually laugh at that. I know, right? I'm so ashamed.) If it weren't for the distracting southern accent-- "Lahk Ah du-yew?" "Fur yew?"-- this was probably the best Pickler performance ever. Which isn't saying much, but it's something, right? Simon is either insane or incredibly horny for Vapid Ho. Oooh! HARSH. Sorry. I have to admit, however, I am beginning to doubt the existence of a merciful God.

Ace - In The Still Of The Night (The Five Satins) - Oh, baby. You seriously need to pull up those pants. Um, unless you are planning on taking them all the way off-- in which case, carry on. I am thinking that one falsetto note a song is a'ight, dawg, but what's up with the whole nasally in the nasal thing you've got going on? Belt it out more! The belting part was awesome! Overall, you underwhelmed me with the vocals, dude, and I now officially HATE urbanized jazz. I want my Father Figure back! All "warm and naked," remember? *sniff* *sigh* Just thought you should know.

Who should go: Kevin! Bucky! Kellie!
Who will go: Lisa

link | posted by Cat at 4:41 PM


9 Comments:
Blogger Stephanie commented:

hello

» 3/22/2006 5:21 PM 
Blogger Misty commented:

Ok I do think Lisa should go. Her performance didn't do a thing for me whatsoever..but Kevin has needed to go for too long. So i'll be glad if either of them go.
Constantine is still edgier than Ace..that what gets me..And i wish Ace would sing something else..something not so boybandish. He's boybandish and i preferred the warm and naked stuff myself!

» 3/22/2006 5:45 PM 
Blogger ieatcrayonz commented:

Thank GAWD! My prayers have been answered! I was reaching for the ice pick to claw out my eyes (and ears) just as Ryan announced Kevin as the LAHOOSER...

» 3/22/2006 8:56 PM 
Blogger NatGo commented:

Thank you for the recap -- I missed it (yes, I missed it. The first album I ever bought was Barry's 'Even Now' when I was 5, and I MISSED IT!). I hope my Taylor is A-okay. Also, I can't get the word 'naked' out of my head.

» 3/22/2006 10:13 PM 
Anonymous kristine commented:

I tried to leave a comment yesterday because you know me, YOU KNOW I'M LEAVING A COMMENT.
In fact. this is really the only place I leave well thought out comments. The other places...not such good comments. Did I mention that I suck at leaving comments?
FOCUS HERE: okay...Chris...is such a hawt damn cheater! WHO KNOWS, they may have cut out the part where he says, "I AM DOING THIS JUST LIKE LIVE BECAUSE LIVE IS THE BEST AND I LOVE THEM!" whoa, I just flashed back to a dream I had last night where ... oh dear lord, I can't share that here. WHOA...weird dream.

N.E.way... Thank you America for stopping the voting for Chicken Little. No more strange blinks.

Now we need to get Elliot the Goat Boy and Bucky the Lhahma off the show. Nawwww, they sort of add spice and don't annoy me so much.

Dashababy had me cracking up last night when she called that strange thing that Bucky does: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Llahma.

Oh boy. I better get going. No one has wished Kara a happy birthday on my blog. I'm quite surprised. Is my blog broken?

» 3/23/2006 10:50 AM 
Blogger Amy commented:

'nasally in the nasal'

it's what I love you for.

» 3/24/2006 7:39 AM 
Anonymous Liza commented:

Hey Cat!! as usual I loooved your comments about everyone, but i have to tell ya, Elliott can't tuck his shirt in. I have my sources (his girlfriend, I don't know her but others do). Anyways, he has an insulin pump that he has to wear that is connected to his belt and goes to his stomach/etc so he can't actually tuck in his shirt or he wouldn't get insulin for his diabetes. He also can't move around a lot on stage because of that, so cut him just a little bit of slack =]

but otherwise, great comments!!

» 3/24/2006 7:48 AM 
Blogger Amy commented:

It was Kellie's outfit. Blondes can't wear yellow, it makes us look awful. THANK YOU AMERICA! Now can we get rid of Elliott? Lisa and Bucky don't bug me nearly as much as Elliott. I feel badly saying so with the diabetes and all, but he's just so darn ooky.

» 3/24/2006 2:02 PM 
Anonymous kalki commented:

Smooches to you!

» 3/29/2006 9:41 AM 

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