Look at me, such the slacker, putting work before my blog and all... GOSH! Could this day have BEEN any more crazy?! I think not.
So moving on to a WAY better topic:
"Well-diversed?!" Oh dear lord, Paula.
Kevin-- AKA: He Who Shall Not Be Named (*cough* Scott Savol *cough*)-- proved he has no freaking idea what "my heart sunk" means. And it was kind of funny that they left it in, actually. Stevie W. cames in the room and his "heart sunk." You know, with the excitement of it all? Heh. You just can't script this stuff, I tell you what.
Ryan to Simon: Okay... you're done?
The only people worth commenting on are Kat, Taylor, and possibly Lisa and Paris. Okay, and Chris. Everyone else was a truckload of MEH for me. But of course I'll comment on everyone. Because I'm obsessive and anal, okay?!
Breaking it Down:
Ace: Do I Do-- Aaaw! Look at all that crying and back-rubbing going on with Stevie W! How totally not gay! Oh, my dear, sweet, sexy, poofy-haired boy. Your hair stylist hates you. Just thought I'd drop a hint. And dude? You didn't say "naked." Say "naked" next time. Remember? "Naked." Um... "warm and naked" would be cool, too. Seriously. N-A-K-E-D. Do it. Do it. Do it.... Do it.
Kellie: Blame It On the Sun-- Holy Gold Almighty. That was just... Holy God Almighty. "Blaaaaaaaaaym it aaaaaaaawn thuuuuuuh suuuuuuuuuhn..." It's the song that never ends! Uh-oh (yay!), when Paula says, "You look beautiful" we all know that what she's really saying is "Wow. That sucked more than anything has ever sucked before. Nyah!" Ooooh, Simon, actually called the horridness of her voice?! Finally. Now listen here, missy, you said you didn't know any of Stevie's music, so why the hell were you crying when he walked in the room?! Faker! Vapid attention whore! Dumbass! Fake-eyelashes-and-bought-on-sale-red-pumps-wearer!... yeah, I'm out. Begone!
Elliott: Knocks Me Off My Feet-- Good lord, another crier. Gosh! You big babies! Geesh. When did Stevie Wonder die and become God? Anyhoos, I'm just not feeling the voice or the stage presence, dawg, and don't even think I've forgiven you for ruining Heaven. Traumatized, that's what I am. Scarred for life.
Mandisa: Don't You Worry About A Thing-- Oooh! I get it! Soft Mandisa = bad, loud Mandisa = good. Soft Mandisa actually = really, really bad. What's up with that? But it's all right, we LIKE you shouty, mm'kay? And may I say, you and your moisturized ankles are a-freaking-dorable? But listen here, bizyotch, no more footsy with my Ry-Ry, you hear? For serious. You better just step off my man, or I WILL cut you. But still! Pretty.
(Aside: I wonder what Ryan was thinking when he took off her shoes. What if her feel totally smelled?! I can't remember... did he make the smelly fart face? Did he?)
Bucky: Superstition-- Boomhauer, Boomhauer, Boomhauer... still chillin' with the pornstache, eh? I am so over it. But listen: constipated is SO not a good look while performing, so seriously... stop crouching! Hmm... I think I actually enjoyed the song during the two parts where you weren't growling at me, and it was a shockingly good fit for you, but truthfully? I just couldn't get past the pretty, pretty hair.
Melissa: Lately-- "Hope my recognition misses"? Oh, lordy. That was just bad. Bad, bad, bad. You're all, "I have many, many wishes!" and Stevie Wonder's like, "Get off me, biznitch, and learn those words." Un.Comfortable. He was totally glaring at you, too, and dude's blind, so there you go. And then with my wee Ryan you're all, "I've been gargling and swallowing!" and I'm like, "Heh." Because you just went and left that door wide open for us, didn't you? And the judges gave you a pass? Why is there not mandatory drug testing for the judges, huh? Because... crackheads? That being said, you looked beautiful tonight. Trailer Trash Bratz Doll Chic totally gone. AI Stylists = Miracle Workers.
Lisa: Signed, Sealed, Delivered-- Except for feeling a bit like I'm suddenly at Disneyworld and my kids are forcing me to watch some sort of Junior Miss pageant when all I want to do is freaking ride Space Mountain, (and I mean this...) cute! Nice vocals and kickin' threads. But seriously, stop pointing and doing the "come on, y'all's!" and stuff. Seriously. Just stop it. But keep the eyebrow thing. That's wicked cute.
Kevin: Part-Time Lover-- I have just now decided that Kevin and lover should never ever be uttered in the same sentence. Okay, to be honest, I was so busy laughing at his dancing that I wasn't paying attention to his singing. Remember on Sesame Street when Bert is Doin' the Pigeon? and we were all so surprised to actually see his legs? Yep I was like, "TGIM! Look! He's dancing like a chicken! Like a Chicken Little!" and then I realized that he wasn't doing it on purpose and that totally killed the glee for me and I was like, "Huh. I guess it's only funny if he's doing it ironically." Then I remembered reading that Kevin broke up with his girlfriend when he made the Top 24 because he thought it would be better for him to "be single" and I vomited in my mouth. Just a little. Good day, Scott Savol-light. I said good day!
Katharine: Until You Come Back To Me-- Way to dispel those pregnancy rumors, Kat. And will you looky there... apparently the Pickle's vapidity is contagious. Well that's just grrrrrrreat. But still... I've got the McPheever! Woo! But girlfriend? Even though you have fabulous stage presence and are ridiculously photogenic-- and yes, we can see that your breasts are splendid-- I have one word for you: bra. B-R-A. Then we can have the bouncy back! I miss the bouncy. From start to finish, way to OWN this song, Kat, and you never once let the band overwhelm you. I mean, even Mandisa was hardly even there during the non-shouty parts of her song. Fan-freaking-tastic. Oh, but Kat? Mrs. Roper called... she says she wants her dress back. (Ba-dum-bum! Thank you!)
(Aside: I'm not going to lie. I have to seriously question the judgment-- nay, the sanity-- of any person who makes Kellie "Pick Pickler!" her new BFF. I know they're roomies and all, but DAMN. I'm like, "Kat! Run away! If you mess with her, she will cut you! Don't you see The Crazy? Huh, Kat?! Doncha?!" Then again, if she's looking for more airtime, she struck publicity GOLD when she moved in with Pickler. I mean, every time the camera focuses on Pickler, Kat's right there giddying it up with her. Genius. If this is the case, if she is strategizing, I think I would actually respect her more than if she were just a horrendous judge of character.)
Taylor: Living For The City-- Hoo! TWIRLY! Soul patrol! Soul Patrol! Woo! Oh, Taylor, you frickin' blew me away. That was HOT! I loved it. All of it: the unique, husky voice, the wacky hair, the less-spazzy-than-usual dance moves, the kick-ass outfit and shoes... I had to watch it three times before I could go on, I loved it THAT much. So fun. Dude, I think you really do feel the music in your soul. But don't let the stylists touch that hair, you hear? It's your signature. All in all, this was my favorite performance of the night, the standing ovation was absolutely deserved, and I am totally stealing that funky dance move.
(*runs off to watch Taylor again*)
Paris: All I Do-- Is it bad that I laughed and laughed when Stevie said he sees a great future for Paris? SEES! Aaw, it's bad, isn't it? Damn. But SEES! Hee! Hmmm, this performance was very meh for me. I mean, the vocals were fabulous, but I was bored by the song. And I could have lived without the whole singing your answers to Ryan like some deranged puppy humping America's leg thing, while totally stealing Taylor's "woo!" and signature side twisty bob thing. You be trippin'. I bet he was watching and thinking, Um, hello? You CANNOT steal the 'woo.' The 'woo!' is mine, so STEP. OFF, little bizzyotch! But, you know, in a polite, southern kind of way.
(Aside: Did y'all see Ryan's face when she kept thanking her fans... in SONG? Awkward. Even Paula was like, "Oh, no, honey.' PAULA. I know, right? Insane.)
Chris: Higher Ground-- The pony, it has one trick. And honestly, AI, pander much? I haven't seen that kind of pimpage since Constantine performed Bohemian Rhapsody, what with the haze of smoke and the flaming background, not to even mention the fancy-shmancy light show and pyrotechnics. You just know Ace was backstage thinking, Hey! Why didn't I get some effing pyrotechnics?! And smoke?! He gets SMOKE?! This sucks! Don't get me wrong, I still like the rocker voice. I just think the song was a cop-out. I mean, the judges should have at least played fair and said, "Dude, way to stay in the box." For me, this was the most overrated performance of the night. And the weird sideburn S's were unfortunate, too. But hey, you're still pretty, so there's always that.
Should be Kevin! Or Pickler.
Will be Melissa. Or Kevin. Could be Bucky, too. Okay, fine, I have absolutely no idea what will happen. It's craziness.
- Misty commented:
Ugg Paris totally lost me with her singing responses..and Paula really was giving her that "nooo don't do that" look..yuck. I liked Paris early on and the longer I watch her the less I'm liking her..
Ohhh and Ace..is so not ever going to be Constantine..and that bothers me a little because something testosterone like is missing..its like Constantine without his testosterone= Ace.. and if Kevin Covais is STILL there after tonight..I. Will. Cut MYSELF! argggg.
- » 3/15/2006 5:23 PM
- Random And Odd commented:
CAT! NO! You may NOT pick on my boy! It's the singer's responsiblity to make sure the 'stage show' works with their song. Chris knows stage shows.
I WANT TO HUMP HIM. I hear him sing...and I want to hump him. Dry hump, moisturized hump...I don't care.
HUMP HUMP HUMP. That is all I think when I am watching him.
*looking around for Shaun* shit, I hope he doesn't read that. IT NEEDS TO BE SAID THOUGH!
Taylor...my heart is his, but no humping. at all.
I love you Cat...but seriously back down off Chris I will NOT get your autograph from Ace from my pizza serving ex boyfriend.
- » 3/15/2006 5:39 PM
My favorite part was when Simon asked Bucky why he had Jessica Simpson's hair! Aaahhhaaa! Jessica Simpson with a pornstache, bad teeth and a possibly smaller IQ!
Yeah, I don't know who will go next. There are so many to choose from...
- » 3/15/2006 6:42 PM
- Misty commented:
Kevin has got to go. Too much eye blinking going on there..I will agree with Kristine about Chris..he is looking far better to hump than Ace..(SORRY ACE).. Ace is lacking something...:(
- » 3/15/2006 6:59 PM
- Annejelynn commented:
I love this AI commentary of yours - it's better than watching the show! (which I've only peeked in on a couple times so far - but I watched parts of the last two so I'd have some better idea what you're writing about)
- » 3/16/2006 12:43 PM
- Anti-social Anonymous commented:
i got a girl crush to katherine too, isnt she a beauty?
did u watch veronica mars last night? dont u just like the twists and dialogues that that show has? i dont like hannah for logan, she seemed like meg for me.
- » 3/16/2006 3:33 PM
- Amy commented:
I didn't get to see Tuesday, but I did just see the results show. Oh. My. God. I'm THRILLED with the results, but a real shocker that was...
- » 3/17/2006 9:31 AM