Well, he-llllo scruffy Ry-Ry! How you doin'?

Ooooh, Kenny Rogers?! I LOVE "The Gambler"!! No matter how many times I hear it, I still get chills when he sings, "... and somewhere in the night, the gambler, he broke even..." Shut up! It's HAUNTING.

When did Kenny turn into Colonel Sanders? Seriously, the voice? Unmistakeable. But the face? Unrecognizable! Honestly, it's amazingly disconcerting. Seriously. Freaking me right out, I kid you not.

Cat Abridged

Taylor: Sucked.
Mandisa: Sucked more.
Elliott: Didn't suck as much.
Paris: Moderate suckiness.
Ace: Didn't suck! Much!
Kellie: Barely sucked!
Chris: Only a smidge of suck.
Katharine: Fabulously unsucky.
Bucky: Sucky.

This concludes my abridged recap of American Idol. You may now discontinue reading, if so desired.

The Rest of the Story

Hey! Welcome back!

Taylor: (Take Me Home Country Road- Jon Denver)-- Oh, for the love of God, WHY?! Don't get me wrong, I loves me some Jon Denver (Annie's Song? CHILLS.), but GOSH. Where was TAYLOR? Who was that guy boring me with a performance flatter than Paris Hilton's arse? Huh?! Okay, liking the violins. Not liking the song on you, Taylor. Not. At. All. Simon speaks true, y'all. Simon speaks true. Bring back the spaz, Taylor. I miss him.

"Safe, boring and lazy... Simon's love life, ladies and gentleman!" Oh, Ryan. Feeling pretty full of yourself now that you're snogging Teri Hatcher, eh?

Okay, what the HELL is going on with the "I love you Ryan!" shizz?! Step off, people! "Are we on the air right now?" Give it up, my wee Ryan. Because... crackheads? (I love you, Ryan!)

Mandisa: (Any Man of Mine- Shania Twain)-- Looking pretty! Love the hair! Burn that top! Like, immediately! But seriously? That kinda sucked. Without the glory notes, you come across a little less spectacular, girlfriend... Sorry. But thank you for not yelling at me.

What up, Rachel Bilson? Too cool to stand? Huh? Huh?! Bizyotch. Okay, I wouldn't have stood either, but I'm not the one on TV, all right?!

You're "Boo-able"?

Okay, Ryan and Simon, I am officially UN!COMFORTABLE! so knock it OFF.

Elliott: (If Tomorrow Never Comes- Garth Brooks)-- Not bad, dude. Except for the creepy, constipated faces and the annoying vibrato, I was feeling it. No, really. It was pretty good.

Paris: (How Do I Live Without You- LeeAnn Rimes)-- Eh. You've done better. I'm thinking you were like, "Country?! No way I'm doing country!" And they were all, "Ya-HUH!" So you were all, "FINE. But I'm not gonna like it." Well, child? Either did I. So, hey! Way to go.

Ace: (I Wanna Cry- Keith Urban)-- Well, not that it means much, but that was significantly less sucky than I thought it would be. In fact, I liked it. It was purty. Like you! I'm still firm in the belief that throwing "naked" in there would really help a bunch. I'm not even kidding. Good angst, but you ain't no Keith Urban. Plus, might I suggest a few spritzes of Afrin up the old nostrils before each performance, because the nasal, dude! The NASAL!

Kellie: (Fancy- Reba McIntire)-- First of all, WHATEVER. How am I supposed to believe you're genuine when you respond to accusations of faking your ditziness by saying "Yep, I'm an idiot, y'all!" I mean, honestly: "There's an L, y'all! So I jist HAD to pronounce it! Hee!" Rrrrright... So, do you say "WaLLk"? Or "TaLLk"? I don't think so. BUSTED! Take THAT, Pickler! Oh, I've got your number, sister! That being said, awesome job. OMG, would you look at that... It appears that monkeys are flying out of my butt.

Chris: (Making Memories of Us- Keith Urban)-- You sang a song! You sang a song! And you didn't Stapp it up! Or do a whole lot of shouting for that matter, which, thank you. It was a little off key in the chorus, but I'm letting it slide and giving you your props, dawg, because damn it-- you sang. A song.

Katharine: (You're Bringing Out the Elvis in Me- Faith Hill)-- I love you. And that? Sounded FABULOUS! And you look so pretty! With the clothes that aren't hideous! And the bouncy hair! And the wicked FINE eyebrows! And I love you! Seriously, though, grrrrrreat job, and I'm not just saying that because I love you. Honestly. (I love you.)

Ooooh! House looks like it's going to be GOOOOOOOOD! I am so there! And not just because Hugh Laurie has those beautiful blue eyes and kicks ass as an emotionally unavailable megalomaniac. No, for serious. Good show.

Bucky: (Vertical Horizon- Gary Allen)-- I'm not sure how I felt about that, Buckster. I'm pretty sure Colonel Sa-- er, Kenny Rogers said something about enunciating? Hmm? And seriously, could someone turn down the band, because LOUD?! But still, it was a'ight for me dawg. Just a'ight. I didn't feel much emotion in it, really. Just... blahness. Come to think of it, I think Taylor would have KILLED with this song, leaving YOU to sing Country Road. Because I kind of wish that country road WOULD take you home. You know... to the place you belong?

Best of Night: Kat and Kellie (I KNOW!) Oh, and Chris.

Who is Going Home: Tough call, but methinks it may be Ace's time. Or possibly Bucky's. Okay, fine, I have no idea who will go home, but I do know one thing: it better not be Katharine or I will have to CUT somebody! Or, you know, cry and snarf a pint of Ben and Jerry's. Whichever.

27 Comments:

 Anonymous commented:

OMG. I laughed my ass of at this. So now I am standing up because no ass=no sitting.

Anyway, I wholeheartedly agree with your opinon of Katharine and Chris. They need to go through to the end.

If Katharine goes home tonight, pass me a spoon.

» 4/05/2006 2:02 PM 

 Natalie Gordon commented:

I am loving that the monkeys are flying out of your butt! Party Time! Excellent!!!

P.S. The Evil Word Verification is calling me a howling fatso. I take umbrage with that.

» 4/05/2006 2:49 PM 

 Charlotte in Pa commented:

What flavor of Ben and Jerry's is appropriate for an AI heartache? I'm here to admit that I've got the McPheever. How could you not? I'm hoping it's a Kat, Chris, Taylor final three at the end...

» 4/05/2006 4:07 PM 

 Ms. Junie commented:

Has to be Chunky Monkey Ben and Jerry's..and if Katharine goes home I will be crying in my ice cream. That will just be wrong..wronger than wrong.

» 4/05/2006 4:10 PM 

 Well-heeled mom commented:

Country night was just a bad idea. It's hard to sing country when you ain't got no twang.

And Kenny Rogers? OMG. I never would have guessed it was him.

» 4/05/2006 4:25 PM 

 Anonymous commented:

I love you Cat. That is all.

» 4/05/2006 4:35 PM 

 Ms. Junie commented:

Other thought: If Simon hates country so much why do they bother having a country night? He has little that's good to say,and it makes it seem like he's judging the music type rather than their voices..

» 4/05/2006 5:16 PM 

 LadyBug commented:

Chris was awesome.

It's time for Boomhauer to go home.

Kenny's had Botox, methinks. (Seriously. Forehead did. not. move!)

Great recap, Cat. Deputy Dad and I are fixin' to watch the results show, so I may be back by. Hugs!

» 4/05/2006 9:08 PM 

 LadyBug commented:

Okay, I'm back. And I'm...well, I'm shocked. I'm just... ... yeah, shocked pretty much sums it up.

» 4/05/2006 9:28 PM 

 Michele in Michigan commented:

totally laughed at the monkeys flying out of your butt comment!! I love reading your AI stuff.

Kenny has had so much plastic surgery now that he actually REMINDS me of the way Will Sasso plays him on Mad TV lol

» 4/05/2006 10:31 PM 

 Nilbo commented:

Yeah, you were spot on with every performer. It was a sucky week in AI land.

Taylor was just ... wtf? Hello, Karaoke Night at the Shriner's Convention.

Mandisa's top was a crime against humanity. Jaysus. I mean, we don't all have to be supermodels, but please don't let's make the kids stare.

Something about Elliot grates on me. Not sure what, but he still gives off that shadow-boxing vibe. Dude, stop bobbing and weaving and just frigging sing.

Paris: out of her league, really. Seems like a nice (if somewhat cocky) kid. You get named to Botto m 3 and get a pardon? No right to strut, babycakes.

Ace: God, get him off my television. Now.

Kellie: I kinda hate that she goes along with the decision to portray her as a mentally challenged blonde girl. But she sang the hell out of Fancy, so ... she gets another week, maybe more. But we will all tire of Kelly.

Chris: Pfft. Not much there, there.

Katharine: hands down, head and shoulders above everyone else. Not even remotely close. None of the contestants left could sing in her backup chorus. I hate that she will not win.

Bucky: I swing wildly between bored and apathetic.

The cull: Mandisa goes, and personally? I can't quibble with it based on this week. Plus really, do you want her on the show next week when they all have to pick a Queen song? Because you just KNOW what someone is going to draw:
"Are you gonna take me home tonight?
Ah down beside that red firelight?
Are you gonna let it all hang out ?"

UN-COM-FORT-ABLE.

» 4/05/2006 10:31 PM 

 Cat commented:

Nilbo! You should have your own column for AI, I swear. That was hilarious!

And, WOW. I was not expecting Mandisa. Really. I mean, she may have sucked Tuesday night, but Bucky sucks EVERY night! And Ace? Not wowing like he should. What's up wit'choo, America?

On the bright side, Veronica Mars kicked ASS last night...

» 4/06/2006 4:27 AM 

 Cat commented:

[small voice] I ate Ben and Jerry's anyway. [end small voice]

» 4/06/2006 4:29 AM 

 Nilbo commented:

(Patting your head) It's OK. Ben and Jerry's is a reward - and like all good things, if done in moderation, no need to feel bad.

You wrote a recap that made a lot of people laugh. You were a mom, a wife, a friend ... I bet you did lots yesterday that earned you a lil reward. Take it, guilt free.

There will come a time, for all of us, when we CAN'T eat ice cream. Personally, on that day, I don't want to be looking back and saying "There were days I wanted to and DIDN'T."

» 4/06/2006 5:24 AM 

 Amy commented:

I still want to sing 16 tons. If there was a way you could have that song playing when I open this page, that would be cool.

» 4/06/2006 6:02 AM 

 Nilbo commented:

Cooler still? If I opened the page and could hear AMY singing 16 Tons.

» 4/06/2006 6:17 AM 

 Cat commented:

Seriously, if I knew how to do that? I abso-freaking-lutely would.

Alas...

» 4/06/2006 6:57 AM 

 Unknown commented:

What's this about us not being able to eat ice cream someday?!

What you talkin' 'bout, Nilbo?!

» 4/06/2006 1:03 PM 

 Nilbo commented:

It could happen, CK.

You could be in the old folks home, all "Gimmee icecream, ya whippersnappers" and the staff are all "Ohh, look who woke up all cranky. Be nice or no icecream for you!" and you're all "Why, when my kids get here, they're gonna tear you all new ones!" and they're all "Geez, can't wait for that day. When was the last time they visited?" and you're all "Why, it was just yesterday," and they're all "Yesterday? HAHAHAHA. Try President's Day!" and you're all "But .. but ... I want icecream," and they're all "Well, you should have thought of that back when you were younger and could have had it any night and your kids still wanted to be around you and you didn't have the hip problems and here, take your meds and maybe after supper, if you behave, we'll let you have a spoonful."

There. Hope that cheered you up. Have some ice cream, dear.

» 4/06/2006 4:58 PM 

 dashababy commented:

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

» 4/06/2006 5:48 PM 

 dashababy commented:

Ha! It's like Kenny went into the dr. and said "Hey, make me look just like Danny Bonaduce when he gets old." Oh wait, he is old.

» 4/06/2006 5:49 PM 

 Ms. Junie commented:

Nilbo I agree that Katharine is the best singer on the show-- she's actually number one on the AOL polls nearly every week I've checked..I'm excited for Queen week but I am having a hard time imagining what some of them will sing..I thought Kellie did great with the country song but can't picture her singing Queen..Now Constantine..HE COULD do some Queen..:) Ace is disapointing me with his Hush Puppy dog face.

» 4/06/2006 6:57 PM 

 Cat commented:

Oh, you KNOW someone's going to sing "Somebody to Love." Personally, I love the George Michael version (w/Queen) but I think Katharine could totally handle that one.

Taylor or Chris should do "We Will Rock You":

You got mud on yo’ face!
You big disgrace!
Kickin’ your can all over the place...
We will, we will ROCK YOU!

It could be pretty funny if Taylor spazzes out on that one, actually...

Good times a'comin'...

» 4/06/2006 7:08 PM 

 Nilbo commented:

Ten bucks says Taylor jumps all over "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" - he'd be - well, crazy not to.

I'm not sure how they decide who sings what - do the contestants just pick, and if two pick the same song, so be it? Because frankly, the Queen catalogue is pretty thin on solo vocal opportunities, at least in the category of "ever heard by anybody outside Queen's immediate family".

That's significant, I think - because there's a reason why some songs are obscure - the public didn't like them. So, as a contestant, unless you think you can bring a vocal flair to this unpopular song that Freddy Mercury was somehow not able to impart ... you're far better off to stick with the stuff we all know.

It's gonna be fascinating to see who picks what, I gotta say.

» 4/06/2006 9:16 PM 

 Annejelynn commented:

still lovin' your Idol recap

» 4/06/2006 11:55 PM 

 Charlotte in Pa commented:

Ace will probably sing, "You're My Best Friend" and try to make it all sexified. Here's the real question - will anyone be brave enough to sing "Fat Bottomed Girls"??

» 4/07/2006 11:58 AM 

 Thomas Taylor commented:

Does "my space" at commonthinker.blogspot.com make any more sense? Or not?

Thomas Taylor

» 4/12/2006 6:24 PM 

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