My son and daughters have been sneaking home strangely shaped bags from school. And by "sneaking" I mean "waving them around under my very nose while commanding 'Don't look, Momma! Don't look!'" Then they wander around asking for tissue paper and pipe-cleaners, saying ominous things like, "Mom, did you know you could make ANYTHING out of old soda bottles?!" and asking, "Momma? Where are the scissors? My bag needs some holes in it."
HOLES?! In the bag holding my gift?! I am afraid. Very, VERY afraid.
Aaah, Mother's Day. Sweet, sweet Mother's Day. That special Hallmark-sponsored day each year when a mother is honored with the chance to sleep in, enjoy breakfast in bed, and receive sweet, heartfelt homemade cards emblazoned with "I luv you, momma!" Oh. Not to mention be the recipient of the end-product of some elementary school teacher's failure of imagination, or, more realistically, his or her idea of a sick practical joke.
One year, a few weeks before Mother's Day, my daughter's kindergarten teacher asked us to send "one shoe" for a Very Special Project they were working on in class. Well, of course, if I was only sending one shoe, rendering the other shoe pointless, I obviously was not about to send a nice new shoe, now was I? Because that? Would be stupid. Conceive of my surprise, then, when I received from my daughter for Mother's Day an old, dirty, ratty tennis shoe-- laces and all!-- which had been spray-painted a sketchy bronze color and mounted on a block of wood. Oh, yes. SPRAY-PAINTED. I mean, what kind of freaky nut-job thinks of something like this? Huh? Is it possible the woman is insane? Because as far as nostalgia goes, she quite missed the mark.
I mean, do you see? She had my daughter bronze garbage and give it to me as a gift, knowing full well this... this... this (finger quotes) expression of my daughter's love would be on proud, prominent display somewhere in my home for as long as I could stand it before it "accidentally" got caught in the garbage disposal in a freak cleaning incident.
It is obviously a tribute to my fabulous natural acting abilities that I was able to convince my daughter I was as thrilled to receive this gift as she was to give it to me. I dabble in Method, you see. As I laughed incredulously in private over this monstrosity, TGIM lectured me as to how I should have been more genuinely happy to receive such a treasure from my daughter. Wha'?! I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. This IS the man who bought me the Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me DVD for my first Mother's Day, after all. I mean, honestly. Methinks TGIM won't be receiving any more MP3 players or cordless drill sets for his special day, you know what I'm sayin'?
Now don't get me wrong. I love the homemade cards and the attention. But the crazy, wacked out school gift projects? Must. Be. Stopped.
This year, all those Mother's Day Gift Ideas lists left lying casually about the house, and the several broad hints to TGIM that "there are only a few more shopping days 'til Mother's Day, dammit!" have gone woefully unnoticed. And my oooohings and aaaaaawings over a pair of simply stunning diamond earrings that every good mother should obviously have in her possession? Well, these studied expressions of rapturous delight have fallen on selectively deaf ears, folks.
Oh. Wait. That is not entirely true. At one point, they did elicit this response from my seven-year-old daughter, "Right, Mom. You think I have that kind of money? Those probably cost, like, twenty dollars!" My bad.
So I'm getting my game face ready, y'all. Sunday is just around the corner.
Holes?! In the gift bag?!
Showtime.
20 Comments:
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Unknown commented:
Hee... good luck with that, darlin.
I've been told several times "Whoa. Mom. I almost just told you something I can't tell you."
"Oh really?", I say, "What is it about? This thing tyou can't tell me?"
"I can't tell you."
"Hmm... is it about (thinking face)... MOTHER'S DAY?!"
(que dramatic music here)
"Moooo-ooommm! I CAN'T TELL YOU!"
Heh...- » 5/06/2005 7:49 AM
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Unknown commented:
Que dramatic music?!
Yeah... I meant "queue" dramatic music... or is it "cue"? It's "cue", isn't it?
Dammit.- » 5/06/2005 7:51 AM
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Cat commented:
It's all good, Kell. I knew what you meant. You see, that is the exact conversation I've been having all week with my 5-year-old. She's DYING to tell me all about it, the little silly!
:)- » 5/06/2005 7:57 AM
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commented:
I can't wait for the homemade presents!! Yes, a shoe is weird. Did you get her back at the end of the year?
- » 5/06/2005 8:40 AM
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Unknown commented:
mrtl -- is *that* why Teacher Appreciation Day is BEFORE Mother's Day? If the teacher doesn't feel appreciated, he/she thinks up wacky gifts for the Moms? Sounds like payback to me...
- » 5/06/2005 9:16 AM
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commented:
I think I love you, Cat. I really think I love you. SO funny.
And holes in the gift bad? That shit ain't right...- » 5/06/2005 10:41 AM
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commented:
Cat, you defiantly win the prize for the strangest teacher induced Mother's Day present.
My son's third grade teacher, on the other hand, wins the prize for the best teacher idea for Mother's Day. She hosted a Mothers & Muffins breakfast this morning before school complete with muffins (the big yummy ones), fresh fruit, and juice. She had nice plates and napkins and flowers on the table. And our present...bath salts! What a woman! But as I walked into my daughter's second grade class explaining to her that I had just come from a special Mother's Day thing, her teacher said, "Oh yeah, it's Mother's Day, maybe we should do something."
I guess you win some and you lose some.- » 5/06/2005 11:51 AM
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Cat commented:
GOSH! Bath salts? Yummy muffins? Lucky!
- » 5/06/2005 12:00 PM
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Unknown commented:
Punkin's school has a "Muffins for Mom" breakfast on Monday, May 9. Aside from the good food (muffins!) I get to have breakfast with Punkin, and for a brief shining moment, I'm a cool Mom. ;)
- » 5/06/2005 1:02 PM
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Unknown commented:
Bath salts/soaps -- Those make me smile. Here's why:
After my grandmother passed we found all sorts of packages of bath salts/soaps in her home that my sister gave her. Some still in the little containers/packaging. All tucked into little nooks and crannies and tiny places.
From the looks of it, she never opened one single little bar -- she didn't throw them away, either. :)- » 5/06/2005 1:30 PM
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Random and Odd commented:
I'm just glad it isn't Valentine's Day. That day always sucks. I NEVER get what I want. I have given up waiting.
I'm just going to go get me a shower radio and toe socks!- » 5/06/2005 2:28 PM
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commented:
I hear you sistah--The only gifts I have received for Mother's Day are the ones my kids have made in school or church. My ex felt that he didn't need to get me anything because I was not his mother.
Hello??...Was I not the mother of his children?? But this year the cool guy I am going out with sent flowers to me at school for Mother's Day. He's definitely a keeper!!- » 5/06/2005 3:32 PM
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Susie commented:
Holes can't be good.
Who has an extra shoe lying around? I used to save cute craft ideas in a folder and send them in to my daughter's preschool teachers. They actually used them. Grade school, they didn't appreciate it so much. They probably already had their one-shoe crafts in mind...unbelievable.
Happy Mother's Day, Cat.- » 5/06/2005 7:58 PM
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c commented:
Maybe it was supposed to be one of your child's shoes? That could possibly make sense...still kind of a weird idea...home bronzing kind of thing. But at least if it was a kid shoe...makes a little more sense, I guess.
My daughter couldn't stand the suspense and gave me her gift already. They made little foamy-flowery-picture-magnet things at preschool. Very cute. Apparently my son has something growing for me. Yikes.
But their Nana took them shopping today for a gift for me (DH is sick, sick, sick in bed). She promises it's a good one!- » 5/07/2005 3:20 PM
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Cat commented:
OH. MY. GOSH.
I have visions of my size 8 1/2 shoe bronzed for posterity... No, no, no, it was one of my daughter's shoes, never fear; one of her her old, ratty, frayed-lace athletic shoes! A heads-up would have been nice, so I could have AT LEAST scrounged around for an old Mary Jane, you know?
AS for the holes, in all honesty, I am SURE it is some sort of plant... well, not so much "sure" as "wishful." Well, not so much "wishful" as "hoping desperately it isn't a snake or fungus wreath."
Happy Mother's Day, all. Don't forget to call/visit/smooch on your momma and tell her you wuv her big lots!- » 5/07/2005 5:50 PM
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commented:
Happy Mother's Day, Cat!
Now, we're all waiting with bated breath...what was in the holey bag?!- » 5/08/2005 9:33 AM
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Random and Odd commented:
GO CHECK MY BLOG! OMG! HE GOT ME THE SHOWER RADIO AND THE TOE SOCKS!
In your next entry I am going to hint around about needing some diamonds or something!!- » 5/08/2005 12:25 PM
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Cat commented:
Phew. Marigolds in a styrofoam cup, y'all! Marigolds...
- » 5/08/2005 1:56 PM
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z. commented:
My nephew (5 y.o.): Oh my god! i can't remember the song i'm going to sing to you on mother's day, it's something about an apple.
So my aunt started to sing the (very well known) song.
My nephew, horrorized: How did you find out? can you please forget it?
Half an hour later, he asks: Do you remember the song i told you about?
My aunt: No, what song?
Nephew: (smiling) oh, no, nothing.
Is that cute or what?- » 5/08/2005 8:11 PM
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Cat commented:
Aaaw! Love it! :)
- » 5/08/2005 8:17 PM