Lines.
Let's face it, gals. Guys use 'em. And I'm thinking either there are some desperate, seriously stupid women out there, or men just have not figured out that we KNOW.
"We have a connection, I can feel it."
translation: "I want to get in your pants."
"Do you know karate? 'Cuz damn it honey, your body is really kickin'!"
translation: "I want to get in your pants."
"I think I could fall madly in love with you."
translation: "I want to get in your pants."
"Hey, I lost my phone number, can I have yours?"
translation: "I want your phone number so I can call you, take you out, and get in your pants."
"Hey baby, there's a party in my pants and you are invited."
transla-- okay, that one is not so much a line as it is a reason to slap a guy upside the head.
But the following line-- which was once used on an actual date I went on with an actual guy who actually thought it would lead to some actual ACTION-- is quite possibly the Stupidest Kissing Line EVER.
(Disclaimer: The following interchange occurred when I was young and naive and new to the dating game, so don't hold my voluntary participation against me, mm'kay?)
Let me set the scene:
Dorky Date and I were just at that awkward "will he or won't he?" moment at the front door, after a fun-filled night of bowling. I had never been bowling before. I bowled a 33. Shut up. I am not the most gracious loser, I will admit, but my date beat me by, like, 200 points! And gloated! GLOATED, y'all! (Guys, do not gloat if you want action. Heed my words.) And besides the gloating, the boy owned his own pair of (fugly) bowling shoes, a circumstance which I found sort of skeevy.
"Have you ever had a lollipop kiss?" Dorky Date asked.
"Um, nope," was my terse, hopefully off-putting reply.
No such luck. Dorky Date leaned in close to my face, as if to kiss me. A half-inch from my lips he stopped and whispered, "Sucker."
Okay. Sort of amusing, right? And his dorky lips did not actually make contact with my own reluctant ones, so BONUS!
I laughed gratuitously, thanked him for the date, and was about to escape into my house, when he stopped me.
"Have you ever had a Coca-Cola kiss?"
I'm thinking, Buddy, you are pressing your luck, but whatever. Humor him, I thought, and soon he will go away. Maybe Carson was still on...
"Can't say that I have."
He leaned in and I waited for the punchline.
CONTACT! He made actual contact with his dorky lips! And his dorky tongue!
I pushed him away, and gave him my best What the hell do you think you are doing?! glare, but he was impervious.
"The 'real thing,'" he drawled, and, I kid you not, WIGGLED his eyebrows at me. WIGGLED them! I did not even think that was literally possible! But it IS!
Looking back, I see this was the perfect opportunity for The Sneer, but all I remember is rushing into the house and slamming the door.
Yep. Stupidest. Kissing line. EVER.
Let this be a lesson to us all.
11 Comments:
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WILLIAM commented:
"How about you and I go back to my place, order a pizza and have sex"
(Slap)
"What? you don't like pizza?"
I am sorry to hear that there are actual Men out there that try these lines. I always just begged.- » 10/26/2005 12:16 PM
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Ern commented:
"That shirt is very becoming on you. If I were on you, I'd be coming too."
I couldn't bring myself to spell it the other way. Sorry.- » 10/26/2005 12:48 PM
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Cat commented:
William: Begging, huh? So... how'd that work out for you? ;)
Ern: For not using the other spelling, I THANK YOU. And ha! And EW.- » 10/26/2005 1:01 PM
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Bente commented:
Man, you really had some doozies. I think you should write a book.
- » 10/26/2005 5:03 PM
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Not-So-Normal-Mom commented:
HA HA HA HA BWA HA HA!!!! You poor babies! I have heard some lines in my time, but those are soooo funny!
- » 10/26/2005 7:31 PM
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Amy commented:
I had a guy tell me once, "I've been told I kiss like a vacuum cleaner."
And I was like, "Uh. Hmm."
I think he thought that was supposed to get me all interested, but it shore di'int.- » 10/26/2005 7:47 PM
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LadyBug commented:
That is hi-larious! You poor girl.
And I'm thinking Amy should've told her 'vacuum-cleaner man', "Oh, really? Does that mean your kissing totally sucks?" Hee.- » 10/27/2005 8:48 AM
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commented:
Ohhh, I have to know who that was. If you can't say in public email me.
- » 10/27/2005 11:39 AM
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Cat commented:
Di, he was Dorky Date Dude. I have NO IDEA what his name was, isn't that horrible? And I can't even find The List to try and figure it out.
Huh. Where is that darn thing?- » 10/27/2005 12:21 PM
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Cat commented:
Oh, and Ladybug? BUUUUUURRRRRNNNNNN! Woo!
- » 10/27/2005 12:29 PM
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Annejelynn commented:
that is hysterical
- » 11/01/2005 10:44 AM