(Disclaimer: This post and the ideas and thoughts contained in it are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be relied on for timely American Idol commentary. I reserve the right, at my discretion, to change, modify, add or remove portions of my pithy yet substantive posts at any time to allow room for AI commentary. Okay, maybe not-so-pithy posts, usually. But still! Technical difficulties-- um, life?-- precluded me from watching the boys sing last night on AI. I shall catch up this evening and comment then. Because obviously I just can't help myself. So shhhhh! Don't tell me! And yes, that means YOU, Kristine.)
Panera Bread has free Wi-Fi and killer bagels, so just guess where I spent my Work at Home day? Huh?! Go on, guess! Not at home, I can promise you that. (Still no internet. Verizon is on my List. And not the Good List either. The Bad List. Oh, yes. The Super Bad List.) While waiting in line to buy a Cinnamon Crunch bagel (highly overrated, I'm so trying a scone next time), I overheard a conversation which immediately opened my eyes to one of the many perils of watching too much stinking television. Allow me to elucidate.
Front counter at Panera Bread. The restaurant is brightly lit, comfortably furnished, and filled almost to capacity with cappuccino-clutching internet surfers and the laptops that own them. Assorted bagels, decadent pastries, gooey, chocolatey brownies, and-- good heavens!-- ginormous, enticing MUFFINS (you know, the ones with the yummy crumbly stuff on top?) are artfully displayed, tempting the hungry and the not-so-hungry but totally weak-willed. The sun shines through the blinds on the windows, its warm glow illuminating the room.
[CAT discovered standing patiently in line. Okay, in the interest of full-disclosure, perhaps not-so-patiently. A WOMAN is standing by the counter, counting out change for her two oatmeal cookies and I.C. Mocha. The whooshing sounds of the register drawer opening and closing and the receipt clicking its way into existence are heard drifting from behind the front counter.]
WOMAN: [hand on hip, her steely gaze fixed on YOUNG CASHIER behind the counter] Excuse me. May I ask you something?
YOUNG CASHIER: [hands Woman her change and receipt] Um, okay. Sure.
WOMAN: Why did you say "Thank you, sir" to the man who just paid, but not "Thank you, ma'am" to me?
CAT: [thinks to herself] She did NOT just go there.
YOUNG CASHIER: Oh!... um... I just...
CAT: [thinks to herself] Oh, ho, ho... she totally just went there! Freaking Baby Boomer. I cannot believe the nerve-- ooooh! I wonder if raspberry cream cheese would be tasty on my bagel?
YOUNG CASHIER: I don't know, okay... b-but have a nice day... ma'am?
WOMAN: [dismissive wave of the hand] Well, it's too late for that now!
Woman storms off in a flurry of oatmeal cookie crumbs, imminent codgerhood, and anger management issues.
CAT: [thinking aloud] Huh. I totally would have said, "Okay. Have a nice day... and screw you, MA'AM."
At this exact moment I came to the startling and not altogether unwelcome realization that my mind has become a virtual wasteland of television one-liners which tend to pop out of my mouth without even a moment's notice. It's true! My mouth opens and out they come. I have evolved into this scary amalgam of Veronica Mars, Buffy Summers, and Lorelei Gilmore, with a tad bit of the freshly snarky Ryan Seacrest thrown in for good measure.
The young cashier giggled, and-- after I assured her that calling me "ma'am" would invoke my severest displeasure-- took my order and handed me the biggest Cinnamon Crunch bagel of the batch. The raspberry cream cheese was on the house.
I know, right? Things will never be the same again.
- ieatcrayonz commented:
Quick witticism will get you everywhere. You completely made that cashier's day.
- » 3/09/2006 8:29 AM
- LadyBug commented:
I'm with crayonz. You totally made the cashier's day. She would've gone on feeling horribly self-conscious had you not broken the tension with such precise wit.
Good on ya, Cat!
- » 3/09/2006 8:38 AM
- wordgirl commented:
Don't you just hate people like that woman? They're like heat-seeking missles bound to create bad karma and hurt feelings wherever they go. Glad you were there to make things better. Next time you witness such ugliness in a human, just start being a distraction with your infamous Snake Dance.
- » 3/09/2006 8:48 AM
- hemlock commented:
Good one Kat!!
I can't believe how brutal some people are to waitresses, counter staff and other service people.
HELLO? It's a shit job. Play nice.
- » 3/09/2006 9:04 AM
- Liza commented:
oooo baby boomers blow.
- » 3/09/2006 9:36 AM
- Cat commented:
It strikes me that the story I just told-- in its simplest form-- could have been pared down to this:
Yesterday as I was standing in line at Panera Bread buying a bagel, a rude old lady asked the cashier, "Hey, why did you say 'Thank you, sir' to that man, but you didn't say 'Thank you, ma'am' to me?" and the cashier was like, "I... uh..." Then the woman stormed off and I stepped up to the counter and said to the cashier, "Huh. I totally would have said, 'Okay. Have a nice day... and screw you, MA'AM.'"
I am out of control.
- » 3/09/2006 10:24 AM
- Amy commented:
I like you out of control, Cat. More great little tidbits of writing to read. Don't you go shaving off words. Then you would have to call this blog, "Mommas".
- » 3/09/2006 11:29 AM
- mrtl commented:
Yet another reason why I blove you. Soul Patrol!
- » 3/09/2006 11:34 AM
- kalki commented:
That Panera woman is well on her way to snapping at strangers at the Borders kiosk. I'm just saying.
- » 3/09/2006 11:57 AM
looking through your flickr photos - your friend Candice is a VERY HOT BABE!!!
- » 3/09/2006 12:21 PM
- dashababy commented:
Oh Cat, you totally missed Ace last night. Uh-huh, yes you did. Sorry, but you did.
He's cute, yes, but ,,, lose the beanie babe.
- » 3/09/2006 5:16 PM
- dashababy commented:
Oh and the cashier should've said to the woman, "Thank you, "Sir".
And all those baby boomers are menopausal anyways, gotta cut her a little slack.
- » 3/09/2006 5:19 PM
- WILLIAM commented:
Nothing wrong wit a little Lorilei every now and then.
- » 3/09/2006 9:16 PM