Still no internet?! I hate you, Verizon! "We'll have it back up in 24 hours" THIS, you lousy miscreants! It's been NINE WHOLE DAYS. If you weren't the only internet provider around these here parts I would TOTALLY break up with you. Don't think I wouldn't.
I... I feel like the walls... the walls are closing in on me... crushing me... must... have... internet...
It's obviously a plot. I think someone is trying to kill me.
Okay. Here's the sitch. I haven't see the boys yet due to the whole "company is visiting and it is apparently rude to ditch our guest to hole myself up in my room clutching tightly to my phone while watching AI" thing. Thankfully my buddy Ti (Mr. Faux? You know him?) has my boyz recorded all nice and tight for me so it's all good. We'll have some quality together-time tonight, oh, yes we will. But I can say I was completely UNDERWHELMED by my girls on Tuesday night. Good LORD, ladies, what was that all about? Ayla and Mandisa were the only ones who, like, sucked less hard core than everyone else. That's the best I can say... I mean, Kat?! You're breaking my heart here! Are you trying to lose?! Because I think there was some definite ZZZZZZZZZZZZ droolage going on during your performance. Hello?! Snoozapalooza, much? Pick songs PEOPLE KNOW, for God's sake! Seriously, woman. I can't even LOOK at you.
Overall? Big old pile of meh.
Meh, I say!
Katharine McPhee: You so beautiful, girlfriend. And when you sing you light up the room. But if you want to win this competition you need to STEP UP and stop with the understated, nuanced vocalizations every week. Belt one out for us every once in a while! We're suckers for that shizz, you know? Don't misunderstand me, Loud is not by any means the new Good, but a little fluctuation in vocals shows some diversity. Be FUN. Randy, of course, didn't care for your song because it didn't have any "runs," which just solidifies the fact that he hates singers who don't pointlessly show off. Or, you know, use runs to cover the fact that they completely over- or under-shot the note. And unless you are Katie Holmes and nine months pregnant, never ever wear that top again. EVER. Don't make me come dress you.
Kinnik Sky: YeeHAW! C'mon, y'all! C'MON! Yeah! See my cowboy hat?! See my cowboy boots?! WOO! Representin'! Um, that is all. Oh! Except the whole What The Hell Were You Thinking When You Put On Those Pants?! thing. Good LORD. And the camo bustier? You have GOT to be kidding me. That was a joke, right? A sick, twisted joke? Camo is totally ruined for me now. Thanks a LOT, Kinnik. Um, is it wrong for me to say she is spectacularly unattractive? Yes? Okay. Strike that... but DAMN! (She can sing, but I'm with Simon on this one... she is utterly forgettable... and DAMN!)
Lisa Tucker: Sweetheart? Bras belong underneath the clothes, mm'kay? Lose 10 points for The Tacky. And I had NO IDEA she's the little Nala I saw perform in Broadway's The Lion King! I frickin' LOVE that musical! If you have not seen it, buy tickets right now. It's spectacular! It's a worldwide phenomenon! It's won over 70 Major Awards! Hee... Major Awards... Hoo! Um, what?
Melissa McGhee: Nice smokey, husky tone, and you totally worked it with your back-up singers, I mean it. Wow. Okay, but seriously? The blouse with the unfortunately misplaced triangle of fabric? The unflattering belly ring? The dangerously low-rise jeans? Dear lord, the Drop Dead Gorgeous pageant make-up? Oh, honey. Trailer Trash Chic is so last week. It's time to break out the big guns... Call Carson (not just for the Straight Guy anymore!), and I mean NOW.
Heather Cox: Oh, sweetie, no. Just... no. If you're going to sing a Mariah Carey song-- especially one as well-known as Hero-- you better be able to BRING IT. And girlfriend? You left it in the trunk. The saddest part-- or possibly funniest, I can't decide-- is that you genuinely thought you knocked it out of the park. "Dropped a hot one tonight," if you will allow me to borrow The Dawg's dialect. You were really super-proud of your glory note, too, weren't you, but, well, it really wasn't all that and a bag of chips, you know? Not even those greasy, tastlesless potato chips you get out of the 1970's-style vending machines rusting away outside of the Piggly-Wiggly. Nope. And the fact that you are morphing into a strange blend of Jenny McCarthy and Malibu Slut Barbie frightens me deeply. I just thought I'd mention it.
Brenna Gethers: Hip thrust? Check. Irrational belief in her own awesomeness? Check. Smile-slash-smirk intended to be saucy but coming off slightly lip-rictus-y? Check. Butchered one of the fabulous Donna Summer's greatest songs of all times? Heck yes she did, GOSH! Thank goodness she didn't touch Bad Girls. Then I would have had to kill her. (Toot! Toot! Hey... Beep! Beep!) Bye-bye Brenna. It's been... hmm.
Paris Bennett: Now you, my dear, are allowed to do Donna Summer (*crosses fingers*). Superb vocals, obviously (aside: Shhhhh! Isn't weird how she sings in such a deep voice and when she talks... helium?), but Wind Beneath My Wings?! Seriously? Are you freaking kidding me? SERIOUSLY?! Hey, I'm just grateful you break out the "Fllllllllllyyyyyyyyy.... Flllllllllyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.... FLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYY!" because at that point I would have had to jump into the bathtub with my TV and my children need me, yo? On the other hand, it is possible I would have stood and applauded because that? Would have been AWESOME. That being said... sing your age! Geesh! Hmmm... My Humps perhaps? Heh. Totally kidding. A little (Hit Me) Baby One More Time should totally do the trick.
**Seacrest Alert: Ryan is obviously not a God-fearing man. When Paris said she was "favored" and gave a little glance up to the sky, Ryan was completely discombobulated, no? "How about you do us another favor then...um, and get ready to sing..." (Translation: Um...what? What did you say? I don't get it... Wait... Are there people in the rafters? Are they watching us? What? What did you mean? Seriously, what?")
Ayla Brown: TGIM thinks you look like a man. Which... rude? But sort of true? Regardless, if your father is a state senator and your mother is a television newscaster, I am having a really difficult time believing the whole "Foundation? What on earth is foundation?" act. Please, biznotch. That being said, not bad. Not bad at all. If you would just stop doing that shaky thing you do when you want a little vibrato in your voice, you could really go far in this competition (thanks to Liza for pointing that out, by the way... now it's annoying me). But you are a few customized campaign cupcakes away from scaring me in a Tracy "Pick Flick!" kind of way. You are good at too many things, child. It's unnatural.
**Seacrest Alert: How cute was Ryan's slllllooooooooowww rise to tip-toes?! At first I thought it was my imagination, and then I was like, "Oh, no, he did NOT just do that," and then I was all, "Does he think we won't notice he just grew four inches?" and then of course he just plopped down all cute and stuff and I was like, AAAAAAWWWWW! I shall hug him and squeeze him and put him in my pocket. But I'm not naming him George. That would just be stupid.
Kellie Picker: Listen. Straight up. If you want to play Luanne to Bucky's Boomhauer, have at it, but you are so not fooling ANYBODY. Sit down and eat some more caaaaa-li-maaaar-ii, you little faker! Honestly. Somewhere in America Carrie Underwood is crying and banging her head against a wall. You looked insane during that performance! I'm not kidding! Mentally unbalanced! Between your rough (not in a good way) vocals and your JBL (Just Been Laid) look-- oooh, not to mention the wild stomping and vacuous Manson stare-- well, you're kind of creeping me out.
Mandisa NoLastName? You rock! Just watch the oversinging, okay? That will get you in trouble. But the control you have while shifting from Belting It Out to Killing Me Softly? Awesome. The difficulty level on Cry is so great, even Faith Hill barely does it justice when she has to sing it live. And you gave me goosebumps-- goosebumps, I say!-- when the audience seriously went dead quiet at "I don't want your pity..." Powerful emotions in your voice, woman. I hope you make it to at least the Top Three. I love you that much. Way to end an evening otherwise fraught with suckitude.
Good lord. I sure hope the boys were better. (DON'T TELL ME!)
Meh, meh, meh.
Going home?: Brenna and Heather (please, please, please, please...)
17 Comments:
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commented:
Okay, I'm not watching this show but I still freaking LOVE your updates. And really, with your updates, I don't need to watch the show. Because I can totally see and hear everything through your words. It's awesome.
- » 3/02/2006 9:42 AM
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commented:
Cat, you rock! I am a lurker, delurking to say that. I, too, love AI (I will NEVER forgive America for not voting for Bo. After all, isn't there a show for those girls who want to sing all country?). Anyway, I love your updates and refresh frantically all day long. Tell your company to go home. My most un-favorite girl? Pick Pickler. Please. GO HOME.
Karen
Karenandtodd@msn.com- » 3/02/2006 9:56 AM
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commented:
oo thanks for the shout out!!
oh man, brenna & heather shut be locked in a room together to try and tell each other that they are so great and see who ends up killing each other first. they better leave. ugh.
totally agree with most everything else. i liked katharine's shirt, but yeah, she looked a bit preggers in it lol!!
ugh...the belly button shirt on melissa...i had one of those when i was in high school like back in 1996. seriously. at least it wasn't a body suit.- » 3/02/2006 10:34 AM
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commented:
PS i'm going to add you to my sidebar so that I don't have to blog jump to find you next time LOL!!!
- » 3/02/2006 10:34 AM
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Amy commented:
Read this whole thing and I haven't even watched that episode yet. Will tonight. With CATTITUDE.
- » 3/02/2006 10:38 AM
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Random and Odd commented:
Amy nailed it, Cattitude. That is SO the perfect tagline!
Okay, my beautiful, wonderful, awesomeest writer friend. I am BREAKIN' IT DOWN for you!
They all suck, except for mandisa, which reminds me of medusa, and that's not a good thing.
Guess what? Remember last year when you COULD NOT WAIT to hurry up and blog the results of the winner? yeah, well...bite me bitch...you're listening to me talk about the men, because they are the ONLY ones worth watching!
I love Taylor...you know I do. He did, 'just okay'. He's good. He kicks ass as an individual in this show.
Everyone else. ack. EXCEPT...Chris. I watched it THREE times last night. THREE! No one can touch him. I've NEVER said this before about any of the people, but this guy should be signed RIGHT NOW. I almost don't want him to win so someone can snatch him up and sign him to a contract.
Okay, check this out...Elliot's ears are WAY too low on his head. I think by the end of the show they will have slipped right off his head. AND they are uneven. You might want to take note of that when he's singing, it's sort of freaky. My friend 'Cita pointed it out to me, and now I can't see anything else. I sit there and cross my fingers that the ears are still there at the end.
Ace...check the crazy catapillar eyebrow (the right one) it's going to crawl off his forehead and hang out with Elliots ears.
Will, I had crazy sex dream about him last night. Seriously...WRONG. Of course HOW BUCKY DAMN FOUR EYES showed up is BEYOND me! She brought me a bag of pot and put it in my bra and told me she was going to go put mashed potatos in my pool while I had sex with Will (could be Bobby Brady's twin) I told him, "No, this isn't going to happen." and he said to me, "Simon told me I need to go for what I want, and I want you."
NIGHTMARE! Why couldn't it have been ACE!??? I would have totally smoked a bowl with him!
Everyone else. go home.
and there you go. I love you cat. Thanks for letting me use your comment section to let it all out.- » 3/02/2006 11:12 AM
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Cat commented:
Yeah, Kristine, I have no idea how to respond to that. Well, except for EW!
And I can't believe you called me a bitch! Canyou guys believe she came on my very own blog and called me a bitch? That's just not right! I mean, a bitch? Me?!... Okay, unchallenged. But I will have you know I did NOT name names last season! I just kind of, you know, hinted at who one. Can I help it if you read my blog before watching the show? Huh? Can I? HUH?! Yeah! That's right! Who's the bitch now, Kristine, huh?! HUH?! Oh. Wait. That would be me again. My bad.
Anyhoos, geesh. Let it go...
Heh. And come vent any old time. You had me rolling!
;)- » 3/02/2006 11:24 AM
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Cat commented:
"...hinted at who one"? Heh. Am I good with the English or WHAT?! Homophones are HARD, yo?
- » 3/02/2006 11:26 AM
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Random and Odd commented:
cat...I think...and I speak for all of us, you should get one of the AI blogs on foxonidol.com and copy all your stuff that you write here, over there too.
You are WAY better than ALL of those people.
I mean, you might get some 'greek freaks' coming over here again. hee hee. But seriously, you should.
Fox might read it and pick you up!!
You're our NEXT AMERICAN IDOL...judge.- » 3/02/2006 1:16 PM
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Cat commented:
Ooooh, fun! And DONE. Oh, not the judge thing. the bolg thing. Still working on being Ryan's co-host, though... We can be wee together!
- » 3/02/2006 1:50 PM
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Random and Odd commented:
Okay, the URL please!!
- » 3/02/2006 2:36 PM
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Random and Odd commented:
oh, and promise you will not change your style of writing for it. You have to do it EXACTLY like here.
Dear me, I feel like a mother sending her kid off to the first day of school.
"Be good! NO KISSING BOYS!"- » 3/02/2006 2:37 PM
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ieatcrayonz commented:
Again, you totally, totally NAILED it. Why are you not writing for a national publication?
- » 3/02/2006 4:04 PM
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commented:
You're not going to believe this, but I just got a message from my ex boyfriend telling me to vote for Ace because he's an old family friend.
What the hell is the world coming to?
I called him and said, "You know how I know you're gay? YOU LIKE ACE!"- » 3/02/2006 6:06 PM
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Bente commented:
AI isn't even on here, but I think as long as I have your reviews to read I don't even need to see the actual show!
- » 3/02/2006 6:08 PM
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Libraryhill commented:
I'm so glad to know I'm not the only one who doesn't like Pickler.
- » 3/03/2006 7:06 AM
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BirdMadGirl commented:
WOO HOO!!!! Brenna the hag is GONE!!! {{happy dancing}} GAWD... I could NOT stand her! Next on the list for the chop... little Kevin. Ick. CANT.STAND.HIM. I don't care for Sway either - but I'd rather put up with him for one more week then Kevin. Ick. And I'm loving Mandisa big time - I was covered in goosebumps from her on Tuesday.
Sigh... I love Chris... I really, really, really do... I wanna rub that boy's head... and a few other unmentionables. Think I could get him to leave his wife for me?? I don't think my husband will have a problem with that at all! :D
Sigh...
Sullen Girl Daughtry- » 3/03/2006 8:13 AM