(Kristine: Here's the URL at the official American Idol website. I do have to make small changes to language here and there. I mean, they BLEEPed Malibu Slut Barbie, for heaven's sake! Honestly. "Malibu BLEEP Barbie" just doesn't have the same ring to it, right? But whatev.)
Best moment of the evening:
Paula: Hello, Ace.
Second best moment of the evening:
Paula: Ace, you're even better than you... (hugs herself, smiles dreamily, and flies away to her happy place. Awkward.)
Ace: ...than I know? (flashes winning smile)
Classic! Seriously. You just can't make this stuff up.
And now, without further ado, behold my breakdown.
Taylor Hicks: This is totally crazy, but there was a Taylor Hicks Elementary School in the town in which I grew up. I would pass it every afternoon on my way to gymnastics. Isn't that FREAKY?! The coincidence?! I know, right?! Man. The first time I heard his name I was like, "Nuh-freaking-UH!" I was. For reals. Oh... the song? Dude, you are a natural, you are, and I love you, but the "Woo!" and Hey!" thing? You need to cut that right out, and I mean it. It's incredibly distracting and comes off as a tad affected. It's probably genuine, but as a friend I have to say it: TOO. MUCH. WOO. (Aside: In my neck of the woods, a toboggan is a sled. Imagine my surprise he said he likes to wear one on his head...)
Oooooh, Hi, Bo! Hi! How you doin'? How's the fam? And OMG, Ryan just totally burned you Simon. BURN! The Too Tight T-shirt burn! Hoo! I'm dying! Gosh. That just never gets old...
Elliott Yamin: Huh. Nice voice. I'm not a big fan of jazz, but I'm pretty sure that was a decent performance. Still, you totally need some Queer Eye and to choose songs that appeal to a more diverse audience. Because boring? Even though it was nicely done? On a more shallow note, the ears and the teeth? Well, that's why God invented ear pinning and porcelain veneers, right? Right? You're winning me over, dude. Good on you.
Ace Young: I was watching the pre-performance interview when it hit me... you are so Vinnie Barbarino, circa 1976! Totally! Rrrrawr. Hey, you should totally say "Up your nose with a rubber hose!" to Simon. Please? Because that would be AWESOME. Sadly, you were not made for that song, dude. (Oooh! A pun of sorts! Cool.) Okay, I hate, hate, HATE that song very, very much, and you-- oh, man, this pains me, it really does-- yeah, you absolutely blew it. And quite possibly pulled something during that high note, am I right? But still... PRETTY! With the smile! And the beanie! (Aaaaaw, the beanie...) So, really, all you have to do is sing another song with the word "naked" in it and you're golden.
Gedeon McKinney: Dude, you freak me the freak out. Just a thought: couldn't your intro be, like, a montage or something? You know, with absolutely no actual words coming out of your mouth at any time during it? Like, ever? I thought we talked about this. Because your intro? Again with the freaky! DUDE. But... you can sing. And I am strangely attracted to your old school sensibilities. You can imagine the emotional distress I am experiencing in response to this obvious case of cognitive dissonance. How can you act so freaky and perform so charismatically? Huh? Whatev. Well-done, my freaky little friend. But still. You freak me the freak out. Maybe if I just turn... down... the volume... during the intro...
Kevin Covais: Heard It Through The Grapevine?! Whoever put you up to that must really hate you, dude. Just sayin'. And obviously the judges snuck into the red room to smoke a little crack during commercials, because hello? Were we even listening to the same song? Good LORD that performance was... unfortunate. With the vibrato? And the lisping? And the stiff sway thing you had going on? As I watched you perform all I could think was, "Ooooh... awkward." I still have absolutely no desire to squish or pinch you; thank goodness we did not have to suffer through that whole "Maybe I'll get a kiss next week!" ploy for mackage action. (Brrr! I just got the shivers.) And the blinking? Totally reminiscent of He Who Shall Not Be Named And Yes I Am Looking At You, Scott Savol. Not good. Not good at all. That being said, the Chicken Little reference? For me? Most definitely uncalled for.
Ho-Sway Penala: No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Just no. Y'all, I was so not overjoyed with that performance... (Thank you! I'm here 'til Thursday!) Huh. However, as you appear to have given Mario back his pimptastical hat o' ugly, I won't hold it against you that you successfully sucked the glee right out of the room with that performance. No, seriously. You killed the glee, man. Killed it dead.
Will Makar: I'm sorry my wee Ryan molested your shirt on national televsion, dude. Uncool. I will totally have a talk with him (Bad Ryan! Bad!) It's just, you look so much like Donny Osmond! And who can resist Donny Osmond?! Honestly. I had SUCH a crush on him when I was younger, and have you seen him in Joseph and the Amazing Techinicolor Dreamcoat? Meow! *sigh* But I digress. Listen here, Johnny Bravo, do not pay one bit of attention to those crackhead judges. You have a killer voice and awesome control, and you nailed that song. I mean it. To the wall! However... PICK. BETTER. SONGS. Holy mother of heaven that was bland! Beautiful, sure, but forgettable? Absolutely. Oh, and thank you for not dancing. Good boy.
Bucky Covington: You're as country as a chicken coop, ain't you Boomhaurer? Not that there's anything wrong with that! But Garth Brooks? Cajones of steel my friend. With a little more vocal control, you could have pulled it off, too. So I've got one word for you: E-NUN-CI-ATE. Mm'kay? But not as much as Gedeon does! Um, because that would be freaky? Oh, wait, here's another word for you: Caaaaa-li-maaaar-ii. I hear it tastes great with smashed potatoes.
David Radford: Okay, you worked it out the best you could, I give you that, but Harry Connick, Jr. you are not. Don't get me wrong-- the American Idol title could totally be yours... in 1958. Sadly, you are completely out of your depth and I do believe you will get the boot, sympathy votes notwithstanding. Which is good because you are breaking my heart up there! What with the panic-stricken eyes and the hand-wringing and whatnot. Aaaaaw! Don't cry! Resist the urge to purge! Projectile vomiting is never pretty, you see, and you might hit my wee Ryan.
Chris Daughtry: Commercial in a good way; this could totally play on the radio. Sure, you aren't old school rock like Bo, but modern rock is a'ight. Hey, at least you're not emo! I mean, you'd probably look hawt with the scarf and the tight wool sweater and the black, square-rimmed glasses, but I'm pretty sure the absence of greasy, overlong hair means instant disqualification from the genre, so there you go. Here's the deal: though I have to give Will and Gedeon top scores for best technical vocalizations of the evening, this was the most genuine performance I've seen or heard so far. Sure, it was a bit sloppy in parts, but as you delivered it with true rocker conviction, I can't find much fault with it. Except for the screechy thing. Loud is NOT the new Good, Chris. Note it. And why does bald look oh so good on you, yet on Sway... not so much? Huh. We may never know.
Buh-bye: David and Ho-Sway. Most def.
I'm off to watch the elimination show.
Okay, so I came across your blog randomly and can't resist but to check your musings post-Idol nights. But, if I may make one correction to the 'guys night', it was in fact Taylor that wore the 'toboggan' not Bucky. But I am with you, totally a sled where I come from. Anyway, carry on with it! I love it all!
- » 3/03/2006 10:17 AM
- LadyBug commented:
Cat, girl, you totally called it. The boys AND the girls. Major PROPS to you on that one.
And look at you, with your very own AI recap blog! You go, girl!
- » 3/03/2006 10:37 AM
- Cat commented:
Oooh! Thanks, anonymous! You are totally right. Noted (and fixed).
- » 3/03/2006 10:37 AM
- LadyBug commented:
P.S. We don't get sledding snow in Texas, so a toboggan is a cold-weather-hat, 'round these parts. But, until I saw Ace's intro, I had no CLUE what Seacrest was talkin' about when he said something about Ace needing to explain his beanie. I was thinking, What? Ace carries a Beanie Baby in his pocket? Huh?
- » 3/03/2006 10:40 AM
- cor commented:
that was the funniest thing i've read in a long time. i just got suckered into ai this season thanks to my almost 9 year old. kristine recommended your blog. love it! i have to disagree on one thing, i really like paris. when i heard her talk i thought she would be another fantasia minnie mouse, but she gave me goosebumps on tuesday.
i would like to see them all choose uppity songs and no more of this slow shit.
- » 3/03/2006 11:08 AM
- Liza commented:
Agree with everything except i have to go on about elliot for a moment.
the song elliot sang is a heck of a lot harder to sing than hemorrage, so for simon to say that all the other contestants should try to be more like chris and all that crap, that's bull. chris is good, yes, but he isn't the best. elliot kicked butt with his song even if it isn't a common genre to sing on american idol. he had the notes down, the scatty style, it was great. for tackling a hard song to sing and doing really well with it, i thought elliot was the best for the night.
taylor...i still heart him...but...that was just not fun to watch.
ace needs to go back to singing songs that make girls wet themselves like father figure.
- » 3/03/2006 11:47 AM
- dashababy commented:
"Still laughing", Oh Cat your AI blog brings me much joy. You crack me up. I have to admit I O.D.ed on AI so I was flipping back and forth between "Deal or No Deal" and AI. Dirty rotten SOBs have commercials right at the same time so I had to talk to my mom and she would tell me what was going on on AI and I was telling her what was happening on "Deal or No Deal". Talk about get a life. Sheesh.
Anyhoo, I did tune in to the last few minutes to see Paula in her loopy state trying to make sense about a fortune cookie. I want some a what she's havin'. Even Simon was speechless for a sec. I was a little pissed that lispy Chicken Little aka Mr. Peabody is on for another week. Blechhh. Awkward is right.
Oh my goodness Cat. You seriously make me laugh. I wuv you. xoxoxo
- » 3/03/2006 12:13 PM
- mrtl commented:
Cat - I demand that you get your wee ass on a plane right now. You must come here so I can keep you in my pocket.
I have insisted that mister mrtl read your AI recaps.
- » 3/03/2006 12:48 PM
- sullen girl commented:
I just want it noted that I'm so completely going to have Chris Daughtry as mine one day. Ahhhh... the things I want to do to that boy....
Thank you for the opportunity to voice that.
Sullen Girl Daughtry
- » 3/03/2006 3:37 PM
- Amy commented:
My husband rarely reads blogs but I totally sent him your recap and he is impressed! As am I! You are scary good!
- » 3/06/2006 8:50 AM