Aw. My wee Ryan's looking so cute! But maybe a little peaked? Dude, are you sleeping? Spreading yourself a little too thin? You seem a little off your game tonight... but still cute! And here come the ladies... I just love those little intros where they blow kisses and wave to the camera. So silly. Oooooh, Ryan's going to share some "little-well-known facts" about the singers, y'all! And... wait, what?
Paris: Gloria Estefan (Conga)- Paris is favored y'all. FAVORED! Some guy up in the rafters is totally loving her! Did you see? Did you? LUCKY! And woo! Nice dress! Good... wait a minute, are those blue jeans?! Oh, no, no, no. Classic camera pan-down fashion disaster right there. Tsk, tsk. Okay, enough Fashion 101. Listen, chica, I'm going to level with you, seeing how you are such a cutie and all, even if you did have the completely brilliant idea of paying homage to The Hair of Brenna Gethers. Wait, I forgot my sarcastic quote marks... Anyhoos, here's the thing: you do not ever, ever, ever under any circumstances sing this song unless it is (unfortunately) Gloria Estefan night. Which last night was NOT. Mm'kay?
Lisa: Tiffany Taylor (Where I Stand)- Zzzzzzzzzzz... huh?... I'M AWAKE! What? Who? Oh, girl, you so pretty. And you can sing, I just know it, but good LORD that was excruciating, with the boring lyrics and the gratuitous power note. You = Teenager, NOT tragedian. Have fun! Stop letting mommy pick your songs! Let your eyebrows grow out a bit! They're kind of Klingon-like! Sorry! Oh, and hey... thanks for keeping the bra under wraps tonight. Hee. Simon said "super-talented."
Melissa: Heart (What About Love)- Melissa? Meet shampoo and conditioner... because hello, bad hair day! Stop dressing like you just stepped out of a Bratz box, okay? And I don't mean to embarrass you, but you totally forgot to put a shirt on under your leather blazer thingy. I know, right?! I could totally see your bra, which I am sure mortifies you to no end! Hey, maybe no one else noticed, right? And that would be a good thing as your low-slung jeans afforded me much too clear a view of your womanly nether parts best kept under wraps when appearing on national television. Thank goodness for the bikini wax, that's all I'm saying! Oh, and your voice, with all its deep huskiness is nice, I really do like it, but that last note? Okay... um, no.
Ryan? You may as well have said, "Kat, dude, you looked SOOOOO fat last week! Did you know that?! Did you?! Like, millions of people thought you were totally knocked up and stuff, because of the fatness! Did you know? Isn't that funny?! And they thought you were a quitter, too! Hoo! HILARIOUS!" Which, rude? Uncool, my wee'un. Uncool.
Kinnik: Alicia Keys (If I Ain't Got You)- CHITLINS? Really? Chitlins stink, Kinnik, just like this performance (Thank you! I'm here til Friday! Try the veal!). Hee. Kinnik. Kuh-neeeeek. A hickey from Kinnik-ey is like a Halmark card... What?! Like you weren't thinking it! Oh. Em. GEE. For one clear, lucid moment, Paula woke up and acknowledged the fact that the band is TOO FRICKIN' LOUD and the singers quite possibly have a difficult time hearing themselves sing over the racket. (Seriously, what's up with Paula? Did they strap her to her chair? Pump her full of Valium? What? She was strangely still... it frightened me) Aaaw! Your face said it all as you put the mic away. I honestly don't think you could hear yourself, but I give you props for not making excuses. That being said, buh-bye.
Katharine: Aretha Franklin (Think)- Oh! Good for you doing an uptempo song! And for NOT claiming that you love motocross, big cars, or "mah dawg, Cawmet!" You are just you. I don't care if you are a Tracy Flick/Type A personality behind the scenes... I adore your dry humor, biznitch. I honestly have such a girl-crush on you. I DO! You are all beautiful and giggly and spazzy and bouncy, sort of like me! Except for me not having much to bounce. Because of my lack of boobage? Damn. Now I'm depressed. All right, over it. I mean, first you endure being accused-- while on camera, no less!-- of being a quitter who is also, by the way, pregnant with Chicken Little's lovechild. Then you step on stage and just bring it. You stand there, just singing and bouncing away (way to flaunt what you got, baby!), running those vocal chords like a cherried-out showroom Ferrari. And hey, bonus points for the sly slam on Constantine. You did me proud tonight, woman.
Katharine: I'm sorry! I keep saying the same word over and over and over!
Ryan: Don't worry. We're used to Randy.
Ayla: Natasha Bedingfield (Unwritten)- You thought your dad was Elvis? Hee. What a dork. And, hey! I freaking LOVE this song. It's totally iPod worthy, just so you know. That being said, I thought it was decent. Seriously. Plus, I buy a 17-year-old girl singing a current pop-song over the Barbara Steisand slash Bette Midler slash Oldie MacOld crap the other younger girls keep singing. It just seems a tad more believable. Now stop terrorizing Ryan with those Frankenshoes (which I'm fairly certain broke local height limits) and stop doing that strange squatting thing, and we're in bidness.
Mandisa: Chaka Khan (I'm Every Woman)- Randy? Dawg? What's a "bitchmark"? No, really. I don't get it. Uh-oh. Can't... resist... the urge... to sing... "Chaka Khan, let me rock you, let me rock you, Chaka Khan!" Sorry! Whenever I hear "Chaka Khan" I just can't help myself... "Ooooh! I think I loooooove you!" Okay, done now... But have you ever seen that skit on SNL where Will Ferrell and Ana Gasteyer play the classically un-hip middle-school teachers Marty and Bobbi Culp, and Bobbi belts out I Feel For You in her awesome opera voice while Marty accompanies her on his electric keyboard? Hoo! Hilarious. I LOVE that one. (Fine. Focusing.) I am a big fan (no pun intended), Mandisa, really, and you can definitely sing, but I wish you would stop shouting at me. Seriously, I can hear you. Okay? That being said, you sang your heart out and rocked it for the big girls everywhere. And how glad am I that the obligatory diva cover of I'm Every Woman was got out of the way before the final 12? So, SO glad.
Kellie: Melissa Etheridge (I'm The Only One)- Don't you know that Melissa Etheridge songs are guaranteed flaming defeat? Defeat flaming much like the ridiculous Burger King flames flaming behind you? Oh, wait, of course you don't... because you are freaking STUPID. Right? RIGHT? Good lord. WE. GET. IT. Of course we also get that it is just an act. That's right. Busted. Yep. You're THAT girl. You know, the one who acts ditzy and says utterly retarded things then acts the fool in an "Aw, shucks! I'm dumber than a box of rocks but ain't I the cutest thang" sort of way? I hate those girls. And now I'm a little more stupid for having watched you act the fool. So thanks, biznitch. Then you strut out there and start just a'kneelin' and a'yellin' your little lungs out... Flang that hair some more, you naughty minx, you! Flang it good! Woo! Also, way to sink down to your knees, girl. Get those guys voting. OH, YES. I did just go there.
Oh, HELL no! Simon, you did not just say that. Oooooh... You are so dead to me. You hear me? Dead. I'll take Carrie's reserved personality and fabulous vocals over Kellie's "Hi! I'm Jessica Simpson's Dumber and Sluttier Sister" act any day of the week. Because there is no way you were referring to her vocal talent. No way.
Gone? Kinnik, definitely, and Melissa (or POSSIBLY Lisa)
Wish would go? Please, God, please... let it be Pickler.
Tonight, ACE! Um, and all the rest of those guys.
- Tutu commented:
You need to get involved with www.americanidolmania.blogspot.com
We like opinions.
- » 3/08/2006 12:08 PM
- Liza commented:
duuude you are so frickin awesome. we thought the same things! you so have to go read my recap!! i love how you take every little detail and just smash it down. you're like the fashion cop and i'm the voice cop. we compliment each other very well. i totally giggled that both youand i wrote 'byebye'about kinnik. ROCK ON. can't wait to do my critiques for the guys tonight!
- » 3/08/2006 12:31 PM
- WILLIAM commented:
Somewhere in there you mentioned a hickey from Kinnicky. Classic.
- » 3/08/2006 12:47 PM
- Mandy commented:
I finally got my comments typed out and posted. They are no where near as good as yours but I try.
- » 3/08/2006 12:51 PM
- LadyBug commented:
I LOVE your Grease reference.
Girl, I know you love your wee Ryan, but it seriously cracked. me. up. that, with Ayla's 12-inch heels, there was about a 3 foot height difference between them. The camera had to pan out just to get them in the same shot. Hee.
Seriously, though, what was UP with Ryan's unbuttoned shirt collar and loose-knotted tie? He looked like he'd just come home from a hard day at the office, and was waiting on his little missus to bring him his newspaper and after-work martini!
I think Simon totally called it. Unless a miracle happens (a miracle called Millions Of Sympathy Votes), Melissa-Bustier-and-Navel-Ring and Kinnik-Hicky-From-Kinnicky are going home.
Word Ver: iqugly. I am HIGHLY offended.
- » 3/08/2006 1:18 PM
- Amy commented:
I LOVE you! OK, what I didn't get was the judges giving Paris props for picking a song more her age this week? Huh? That one was just as old-fogey as Wind Beneath My Wings IMO. Buh-bye to Melissa and Kinnik, and now it's going to get good, although I still think Ayla kinda sucks.
- » 3/08/2006 2:06 PM
- Amy commented:
Oh I forgot FUG to Melissa for the short-sleeved leather number with puffed sleeves and button accents. Gah!
- » 3/08/2006 2:07 PM
- wordgirl commented:
I can't keep up! I can't keep up! American Idol was getting in the way of living my life and now there's this new show by the writers of SNL and I. Must. Watch.
- » 3/08/2006 3:10 PM
- ieatcrayonz commented:
I tried and tried, but I just couldn't bitch slap Simon through the TV after that terrible totally unfounded observation.
Rock on, Carrie.
- » 3/08/2006 3:43 PM
- snowflakebebe commented:
OMG Great post I loved it LOL :)
- » 3/09/2006 10:35 AM