While chatting with a friend yesterday I was reminded of the strangest thing. When I was a senior in high school there was this... incident in my English class. It involved a mouthy, lewd football player, a ditzy, impulsive girl, and a quick-witted English teacher. And even though this was, oh, over seventeen years ago (oh good lord) I remember the incident vividly. I don't know why, actually. I suppose it was just one of those moments, you know the ones. The type of moment in which your mind decides "Hey, let's keep this one for posterity!" and takes a mental snapshot then imprints the moment indelibly in your brain. Yes. It was one of those.
We were in the midst of a vocabulary lesson. Ah, yes, I remember it well. The word was "masticate." Allow me to say that any English teacher worth his or her salt knows to steer clear of any words that even remotely resemble certain words or phrases that will evoke, shall we say suggestive, images in a healthy adolescent's mind (e.g. I always gave the word "titillate" a wide berth). Ahem. In most situations I would have conjectured that Mr. Wherley was one of those teachers-- a teacher who knew better, a teacher who paid attention, a teacher who was unwilling to be caught unawares-- but he put the word "masticate" right out there, oh yes he did, said it right out loud, and to nobody's surprise there were consequences.
So Mr. Wherley threw out the word "masticate" at us during our usual Word Wealth vocabulary dictation lesson and the aforementioned lewd football player immediately punted back the inevitable: "What was that again? 'Masturbate'?!"
Giggles and red faces all around. Because... duh? Who didn't see that coming?
Enter the ditzy impulsive girl. Let's call her... Melissa. You know, because that was her name? Good lord, this girl was a ditz. Probably still is. An obnoxious ditz, too, because we all knew it was just an act, and DUDE, there is nothing worse than a fake ditz who asks utterly ridiculous or embarrassing questions simply to draw attention to herself, thus disrupting the learning environment for the entire of the class. Oops. That was the Recovering English Teacher talking, wasn't it? But still... grrrr! Anyhoos, enter Melissa.
"Mr. Wherley, what does masturbate mean?"
Twenty-five heads whipped around to gawk at Melissa. Giggles and red faces turned to gut-busting guffaws.
I was mortified, naturally. My virgin ears were burning, I tell you what. Mouth agape I looked over at Melissa with my best, wide-eyed Hello? Dorkwad? Even I Know What That Means! look.
In tandem, twenty-five heads whipped around again, this time to land on Mr. Wherley, who stood still as stone at the chalkboard. His hand, clutching chalk so tightly it's a miracle it didn't snap, froze in mid-air. After an interminable, collective heartbeat, Mr. Wherley spoke in a calm, unwavering voice.
"Self-stimulation for sexual gratification. Now, moving on..."
Self-stimulation for sexual gratification... Self-stimulation for sexual gratification! Wow! Get a load of that, would you?! A virtual masterpiece of evasive yet conclusive enlightenment! Honestly. To this day I have never seen the like. Yes, sir. I have to give the man his props. He handled a sticky situation with an air of dignity I could never have pulled off in a similar situation. (Heh. I said "sticky." Heh heh... D'oh! See?!) Not to mention his definition of masturbation was practically a poem-- what with the rhyming and the alliteration and whatnot-- which tied the whole exchange into literature, thus making it relevant to English class, which... way to go, Mr. Wherley!
I know, I know... What a moment to have indelibly imprinted in one's mind, eh? I tell you what... Hey, I never said the scrapbook in my head was pretty!
But back to the conversation with my friend. The strangest thing is that this memory was dredged up while I was arguing with my friend as to whether or not a person is still technically a virgin if they have done anything and everything EXCEPT actually joining body parts together in the act of procreation. You know, rounded all the bases, like, 69 times, but never slid into home?
I argued that if you are touching someone's stuff, or they are touching yours, and all this touching of parts is resulting in orgasms, I don't care where you're putting your junk, that's sex. And if you are having sex then you can't just go around calling yourself a virgin. I mean, seriously. It's an insult to all those poor people out there who aren't getting any, you know what I'm saying? What about them, huh?!
My friend, a self-proclaimed virgin who has "NOT" had sex in more exciting places and in more intricate positions than I had ever dreamed possible, disagreed.
"Okay, so how do you explain masturbation, huh? Is that sex?" She thought she had me there. I could see the HA! it in her eyes.
"Well, that depends. If you are assisting someone else, you know, mutually engaging in the pursuit of sexual gratification, then I guess it is." Double HA! Bonus points for big words!
"That is not sex."
So I was all "Whatever you need to tell yourself, slut." And she was like, "Bite me." And then we grabbed our bags and went out for some tasty Chik-fil-A. Mm-mm! (Try the waffle fries, they're delish.)
Man, oh man. "Self-stimulation for sexual gratification"... (*shakes head in amazement*) Genius.
(Hey, I TOLD you this was random! Sheesh. Oh, and sorry, Mom.)
20 Comments:
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Unknown commented:
As always, Cat, a great story, well told. I do so enjoy your blog. :)
One thing, though, you never mentioned what masticate means...- » 6/02/2006 10:24 AM
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Nilbo commented:
Personally, I like to use saliva when I masticate. Just thought I'd share.
Having just endured escorting two daughters through teenage years, I think I have a fairly good handle on what constitutes "sex". It's simple:
If you could do it under a tree by a sidewalk in the park, and a police officer were to happen past, look down at you, and keep on going without saying anything ... it's not sex.
And anybody who says "Well, that's too vague," is acting just like Melissa. We may not be able to define it. But we (all of us, including certain ex-presidents) know what it is.- » 6/02/2006 10:58 AM
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Odd Mix commented:
CK, Masticate = Chew.
And, Nilbo, I think that you have, ahem, nailed that definition.- » 6/02/2006 12:35 PM
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WILLIAM commented:
So according to your friend, the guy who drives the getaway car in a robbery is not guilty.
He gets his cut of the cash, but is not a robber.- » 6/02/2006 1:53 PM
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commented:
How can I not remember this? We were in the same first period Senior English class with Mr. Say-Hey Ray Wherley were we not? Sheesh! My mind is going already.
- » 6/02/2006 2:36 PM
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Cat commented:
(Di, it was Melissa B. Do you remember Melissa B.? Melissa B. was a ditz. And a frickin' thief! I have never forgiven her for stealing my blue mascara in the 8th grade...)
- » 6/02/2006 3:38 PM
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commented:
be nice to M. B. she has a very sad story...
http://www.cushings-help.com/melissab.htm- » 6/02/2006 8:05 PM
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commented:
your
- » 6/02/2006 9:51 PM
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Vajana commented:
teachers such as yours shall live on in infamy and by golly I'm sure he had a story to tell over beers that night.
- » 6/03/2006 6:56 AM
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commented:
Soryy dont see the humor. Thats a nasty story, would you let your kids read that? I'm embarrased for you.
- » 6/04/2006 8:45 PM
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Nilbo commented:
I'm embarased for joana, who thought the story was so nasty she couldn't stop herself from coming back to visit it a day later. Repeatedly exposing yourself to things you are disgusted by is sometimes called "self-stimulation for sexual gratification", joana.
Enjoy, troll.- » 6/04/2006 9:47 PM
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Cat commented:
Joana clearly doesn't masticate often enough. Have a donut, Joana. No, really. It'll make you feel gooooooood...
;)- » 6/05/2006 4:53 AM
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commented:
Wow, I just askes a question. The fact that you immediatley jumped to throw biting remarks and were angered easily hints that you are feeling guilty.
- » 6/06/2006 2:45 PM
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Cat commented:
Ouch! You got me! [/Keannu voice]
What exactly am I supposed to be feeling guilty about, pray tell?
(Seriously... who is this person?)- » 6/06/2006 3:09 PM
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Charlotte in Pa commented:
Hmm... well, Cat - if you DON'T encourage your kids to masticate, I'm pretty sure you'll be arrested. Tough call. On one hand, you piss off Joan and keep your kids. On the other, you have your kids taken away, but Joana forgives you. Your call, but I know which one I'D choose.
- » 6/06/2006 7:55 PM
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commented:
Well, I have read several of your blogs and i think you have an amazing talent as a writer. You write funny, witty, and even poignant blogs. I just felt that that one wasnt one of those. Under your blog says 'leave comment". It doesn't say 'leave nice comment" or "leave funny comment", just 'leave comment'. I guess if everyone doens't agree with everything you say they are wrong. "All HAIL Cat the great who is nver wrong!!!" (bowing down and kissing painted toenails).
- » 6/09/2006 9:32 PM
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Cat commented:
Hey, thanks for visiting my site, Joana. Come back any time.
- » 6/09/2006 9:59 PM
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mandoelin commented:
Mr.werely or however you spell it...Did you go to Muskegon High? Cause I remember him from there.
- » 6/10/2006 11:53 PM
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Cat commented:
Sorry, mandoelin, my Mr. Wherley was a central Arizonian.
But how crazy is that?! Was your Mr. Wherley an English teacher, too? Fuh-REEKY.- » 6/13/2006 4:23 AM
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mandoelin commented:
Yes he was an english teacher... I didn't have him personally though...How weird...
- » 6/14/2006 10:14 AM