TGIM will tell you. If for some crazy reason you have a preference for tomb-like silence during the featured attraction, don't ever sit next to me at a movie. Seriously. Just don't. I admit it. I am a unrepentant Movie Talker and there is just no reforming me. Hate me if you want to, but, y'all? I just can't help myself.
Now, admittedly, there are several different varieties of the Movie Talker breed, and thankfully for my friends and family, I believe I fall in the least offensive category(s). Let me give you a quick run-down on a few of the most prominent types of Movie Talkers:
1) The Obnoxious Question-Asker:
Okay. When writing the script for a movie, the writer may introduce several characters, plot points, locations, and mysteries whose importance only becomes apparent after a certain amount of time has passed. This is called dramatic tension.
The Obnoxious Question-Asker, however, is all about instant gratification. This Movie Talker JUST CAN'T WAIT for exposition-- no sir-- and generally asks his/her friends, spouse, child, and/or strangers unanswerable questions during the first moments of the movie, such as "Who is that guy?!," "What city is that?!," What the freak is he doing with that gun?!," or "How the hell'd she get in there, huh?!" Which is really annoying, apparently.
This person may also ask his/her neighbors, "What movie was that chick in? Huh? Spiderman? Was it totally Spiderman? No? Napoleon Dynamite? Freak! What was it?!" Which is also pretty annoying, apparently.
2) The Short-Attention Spanner:
At the movies, it is generally expected of you, the moviegoer, to PAY ATTENTION. You know. To the plot and stuff? And characters, too. Even if they resemble each other a little bit. Amazingly, you, the moviegoer, are fully expected to keep 'em straight. And to refrain from pestering with questions the people around you who have a brain larger than a gnat fly.
This movie talker is the one whispering, "Who is that dude?," "Wait. Is that her brother or something?," and "Is that the same chick from the night before?" This movie talker may also tap your shoulder and whisper frantically, "Wait! What just happened?!"
3) The Wit-Meister:
Some people believe themselves to be quite witty, and must therefore share their wit with the general population. During movies. Because they are attention whores. And cannot help themselves. This breed of movie talker will go ahead and make that witty comment, either under the breath, or to neighboring moviegoers. During the movie. Because they are freaking hilarious, right?! HILARIOUS!
4) The Mimic:
This rare brand of movie talker is known to repeat funny lines several times after they have been initially uttered by the actors, usually accompanied with a resounding knee-slap, a crack of wild laughter, and ofttimes some frighteningly violent arm slapping or elbow jabbing.
"Did ya hear that? She said, 'That is the ugliest effing skirt I've ever seen.' Bwah ha ha! 'That is the UGLIEST EFFING SKIRT I'VE EVER SEEN!!' BWAH HA HA!" Slap, slap! Jab, jab! Thwack!
5) The One-Sided Conversationalist:
The people up on screen? Um, they aren't real. And thus? Cannot hear moviegoers in the theater, nor are they able to heed their advice, no matter how well-intentioned. Because they aren't real.
This fact obviously does not deter the One-Sided Conversationalist from trying. You will frequently hear this Movie Talker offering up such gems as, "Girl! Do NOT go in there!," "Oh, no she di'nt!," "Did you see THAT?!," "Why would you do that, you freaking moron?" and my personal favorite, "GAAAAAAH! He's behind the door! LOOK BEHIND THE DOOR!"
Persistent little buggers, the One-Sided Conversationalists. Not much fun at parties, either. Just so you know.
6) The Jerkwad Movie Wrecker
This person has seen the movie before. Maybe once, maybe several times. And throughout the duration of the movie, this Movie Talker will make sure the entire audience knows it.
"OMG! Watch this! That man has a gun! See?! SEE?!," and "Oh! I LOVE this part! He's totally been dead the whole time, and we just didn't know it!," and "Oh my gosh, I hate this part when he totally gets blown up!"
I will never forget as a small child sitting right behind a Jerkwad Movie Wrecker during my first ever screening of the cult classic Xanadu. Woman sang along with Olivia Newton-John during every single stinking song in the movie, I kid you not. EVERY. SINGLE. SONG. And LOUDLY, to boot. Could have kicked her ass, and I was only eight! Good thing for her. Freak.
Oh. Dear Lord. I must admit to possibly exhibiting SOME behaviors of Movie Talkers 1, 4, and 5. GAH! Don't hate me! I can't help it! It's genetic! It's my mother's fault! Or my dad's! I don't know! But SOMEONE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS!!
Aw, hell. Just stay away from me at the movies, yo?
16 Comments:
-
Nessa commented:
I'm the "oh-my-gah-did-you-SEE-that" girl to my husband & it drives him nuts!
- » 7/05/2005 3:08 PM
-
Unknown commented:
I'm guilty of being the occasional wit-meister. A friend of mine and I once got reprimanded in an theater in the middle of the day by some creepy old guy wearing weird sweatpants.
I don't do it ALL THE TIME, though. Really.- » 7/05/2005 3:13 PM
-
Random and Odd commented:
The only movie I really remember being the obnoxious movie talker was DAREDEVIL...the whole movie: "OMG! I DID NOT PAY AND AND AND STAND IN LINE FOR THS! TELL ME THEY WILL GIVE ME MY MONEY BACK!
BEN AFFLECK YOU HAVE DONE ME WRONG ONE TOO MANY TIMES NOW BRUTHA!"- » 7/05/2005 3:36 PM
-
Charlotte in Pa commented:
I'm a wit-meister... but usually my breath and just to the people I'm with. Yeah - I probably still annoy people. Do you know what annoys ME at the movies? Why the hell, after I pay up to $9.50, do I have to watch commercials before my movie?!? I like the previews... but a commerical for a car? Forget it!
- » 7/05/2005 4:20 PM
-
Cat commented:
Okay, okay, I may have some 3 in me too. Damn. But mostly, just to TGIM. Truly!
Oh. That reminds me. I should also mention that you should probably NEVER, under ANY circumstances, sit next to me during a staff meeting. You know, if you want to actually hear anything. The snark that flows from my mouth?... Let's just say I can be stunningly prolific.- » 7/05/2005 4:32 PM
-
Cat commented:
Oh, and Charlotte? WORD, sistah.
- » 7/05/2005 4:33 PM
-
Cat commented:
Ah! Yes! The urban vs. the suburban theater debate... a tricky subject, mrtl. Tricky indeed. This will have to be explored further.
We will have to delve into Rocky Horror Picture Show territory. As well as appropriate and/or expected times for clapping and "woo-hoo!"ing during feature presentations...- » 7/05/2005 8:38 PM
-
LadyBug commented:
These are hilarious, Cat.
And I'm ashamed to admit I fall into category 3; I'm also a 1 & 2, when I'm watching one Deputy Dad's shoot-em-up-complicated-plot-blood-and-guts-definitely-not-a-romantic-comedy movies.- » 7/05/2005 8:41 PM
-
Bente commented:
I'm not really a movie talker, and if I'm at a theatre with movie talkers in the audience they don't really bug me as long as I can still hear the movie. On the other hand, I can't stand the chair kickers. And I always end up with a chair kicker. A funny thing I experienced was when I saw Dangerous Minds something like half the audience started singing Gangsta'a Paradise along with the movie. It was pretty funny and dorky at the same time.
- » 7/05/2005 9:23 PM
-
Vajana commented:
That is hilarious Cat. I'm usually a One-sided conversationalist, but this past weekend we took the girls to see "Herbie:Fully Loaded" and Lindsay was wearing a size XXS T-shirt the whole time and i kept leaning over to my husband going, "Those CAN'T be real." "Seriously, do you think they really are real?" "No, no way."
- » 7/05/2005 10:25 PM
-
WILLIAM commented:
I love the list. I hate movie talkers. Even during previews i hate the talk. And I laughed out loud that you went to Xanadu in the theater. I thought my family wee the only people to see that. And Grease 2.
- » 7/06/2005 4:17 AM
-
Charlotte in Pa commented:
I always end up with the chair kickers, too.. or with the person in my row who nervously moves their foot up and down, therefore vibrating the seats of everyone in a 1/4 mile radius. While we're on the subject.. why do people bring small children to R-rated movies? And if they have to, can't they do it during the day? When I see an "adult" movie at night - I don't expect to hear crying or smell dirty diapers. SHEESH! Thanks, Cat - I didn't realize how much I needed to get off my chest about going to the movies.
- » 7/06/2005 6:42 AM
-
Cat commented:
Charlotte goes to "Adult" movies! Charlotte goes to "Adult" movies!
Gosh. I totally forgot about Chair Kickers. They are WAY worse than Movie Talkers, right?
Kristine, it's time to just move ON. You have to let it go, girl. Ben is a married man now. MARRIED! TO ELEKTRA! Aaaaaw!
Vajana: They SO weren't real. I hear Disney had to Photoshop some of her scenes to reduce the size/appearance of her boobies, as it was distracting to the children. And, um, to you, apparently...
William: But you HAVE to talk during the previews, right?! Otherwise, how will people know what looks good or not? Gosh!
Bente: Well, of course people sang along. Honestly. I challenge ANYBODY to sit in a theater and NOT sing along to "Gangsta's Paradise"! Hello?! Like a person could possibly resist, you know?!
Lady Bug, I completely understand. I do. Really. Validation.- » 7/06/2005 7:02 AM
-
Weetzie commented:
Cat, you really cheered me up from a seriously disfunctional funk with this one. Thanks! Oh and I don't get why we have to watch commercials when we already PAID TO GET IN either!??!
- » 7/06/2005 10:00 AM
-
Charlotte in Pa commented:
Yep.. Pee Wee Herman and I try to get together for a film fest whenever possible. We're big fans.
- » 7/07/2005 3:37 PM
-
commented:
Alli Is Definitely Number 1
- » 1/30/2006 6:51 AM