So... soccer at the second grade level? Pretty tame. I mean, no one is really keeping score which is silly because then how are the girls supposed to know whether or not they are losers? Huh? Think about THAT for a minute. Oh, and get this: there is no goalie. No goalie! Seriously, what?! Are you comprehending what I am telling you? Are you friggin' hearing this?! There is NOBODY guarding the goal, people! It's madness! MADNESS! There is, however, a nifty position Coach calls "playing defense," a highly coveted position that toward the end of the third quarter most of the girls on the Tiger team are begging to play because as my Mack tells me, "You don't have to chase the ball! You just stand there and wait 'til it comes to you!"
Oh, wait. Haven't I ever mentioned the inherent laziness coursing through my children's veins? No? Really? Well, what can I say, right? Honestly. I have no idea where they get it. It's an embarrassment, I kid you not. I would get on them more about it, but there never seems to be the time, what with my afternoon naps and must-see prime-time television and all. I will get around to it one of these days, though, never fear. Pinky promise. Probably next week. Or possibly during rerun season? Because it is THAT important to me.
But I digress. Where was I? Oh, yes... soccer! So there are all these seven and eight-year-old girls out there on the field chasing around the soccer ball, occasionally kicking it toward their goal, but since they never really follow their kicks they are mostly just kicking it out of bounds, which is cool because then they get to throw it back in! Which is FUN! Oh, except for the occasional wild kicks from about mid-field that miss the goal by, like, ten feet but all the parents clap and yell "Good one!" when really they are all thinking, Just dribble or pass the damn ball, child! but of course no one would ever say that out loud because it is just a game and the girls are only seven years old and who really cares who wins, right, because no one is even keeping score and there is NO FREAKING GOALIE anyway!
Anywho, my little Mack is new to the game and I must admit seems a tad timid when it comes to stealing the ball from the other girls. She mostly just runs to the fringe of the fray, then stands waiting for the ball to come her way. No way is she getting in there and kicking at it or anything crazy like that. I mean, she may accidently kick someone, right? And there is shoving and kicking and shizz going on in there which means someone could perhaps kick HER. Shin guards can only do so much, you know what I'm saying? And I've already mentioned the inherent laziness factor, right? She obviously feels it is much better to wait it out, no matter how loud or often her parents yell, "Holy COW, Hannah! Just get in there and kick the ball! Freaking hell!"
After half a game of watching Hannah skirting around the ball but never really coming in contact with it, TGIM decided to try a different tack. During Hannah's next two-minute water break he pulled her aside.
"Hannah, listen. I will give you a dollar if you make a goal."
Of course I laughed derisively at my silly, silly TGIM, and began to scoff, "Seriously, dude, a dollar?! I mean..." when I noticed that Hannah's eyes had widened and she had this look on her face.
You know in the old cartoons when, oh, say Bugs Bunny or Huckleberry Hound was suddenly hit with a wave of greediness and there would be this telling "cha-ching!" sound and dollar signs would literally appear in the cartoon character's eyes?
Yeah. That was the look.
It was honestly the strangest thing. Apparently, much like Jerry Maguire, TGIM had drastically underestimated the power of the almighty dollar. When Hannah rejoined her team on the field, she was a dynamo. She penetrated the fray, she jostled, she kicked, she took no prisoners. TGIM and I had just enough time to exchange our "What in the freaking hell?" glances before Hannah kicked the ball right out of the cluster of girls and followed it. FOLLOWED IT! There was running! And dribbling! And kicking! And RUNNING! With a pack of Blue Dolphins on her heels, my girl took that ball to the net and she KICKED IT IN!
I was all, "Wait. Did she just score?"
"I think she did. Is it in the net?"
"It's in the net!"
"It's in the net?!"
"IT'S IN THE NET!!"
Girlfriend scored, y'all! Not that anyone was keeping score or stats or anything, the bastards. But still! TGIM was so proud he totally started crying. Wuss. I may have busted tear or two myself. Perhaps. But I'm a girl. That's all I'm saying.
As Hannah's teammates hugged and high-fived her, TGIM leaned over and whispered, "Hey, Cat, you got a dollar?"
My look must have spoken volumes.
"What?! C'mon, Cat! Who thought she'd actually DO it?!"
As I handed him the dollar I had to laugh. And maybe I teared up a little bit, too. Again. Gosh!
My little girl. Getting down with her mercenary capitalist self.
- kalki commented:
I hear Mia Hamm's dad did the same thing when she was little... ;)
BIG HIGH FIVE to Hannah!!
- » 11/08/2005 10:29 AM
- phsymom commented:
Way to go Hannah!
Ya know this could get expensive. :O)
- » 11/08/2005 11:58 AM
- Ern commented:
She knows what's worth running for and what isn't!
- » 11/08/2005 12:09 PM
- Vajana commented:
You know it will just get more expensive with each goal....
Wow, that does say something about how INSANE soccer is around my town. 2nd graders are often forced into SELECT by then. I long for the days of no goalie!!
- » 11/08/2005 12:43 PM
- yonz commented:
That is the best soccer mom story EVAH!
- » 11/08/2005 1:02 PM
- WILLIAM commented:
Wait until next week, when she decides to hold out on the dollar contract and wants 5 or 10. Or maybe she will get an agent. Next thing you know she will get suspended becasue she is just trying to feed her family.
- » 11/08/2005 2:14 PM
- Amy commented:
You got a Suh-mart Daddy!
- » 11/08/2005 2:29 PM
- mrtl commented:
Slippery slope, mah dear. I don't thing TGYM thought this one through.
- » 11/08/2005 9:41 PM
- Nessa commented:
I have to laugh because Miss B hates playing forward, but loves the game - she gets so mad that she has to RUN! It's hilarious...but we have goalies
- » 11/09/2005 9:46 AM
- Bente commented:
Oh, that is funny! I think the others are right though, this could become very expensive. ;)
- » 11/09/2005 3:56 PM